Diet*Tarot: The Saga Continues!

Diet*Tarot: The Saga Continues!

I’m still on the wagon… I haven’t quite fallen off, but sure as Shiva hasn’t been easy.

Two observations… I feel like I am more on my own with more passive cards like Strength and the Hermit. Both were okay days, but the well of will needed to fight the cravings at a few points was all me. The cards themselves really took a backseat. I am curious to see how that plays out with some of the other more kinder, gentler cards. Not that the Hermit is particular passive. I’m sure in his youth he was quite the badass. The Magician is very much his younger, slightly more foolish, significantly more arrogant self. The Magician is the college kid who just graduated with his MBA who is READY and PUMPED to take on his assumed role in Corporate America, since he knows he’s worked hard and he deserves it. $100k and a corner office right out of the gate, simply because he looks good on paper and thinks he’s worthy of it? Sign The Magician up! The Hermit is this same college kid a number of years later. He probably had to take a job he wasn’t anticipating to make ends meet and pay his student loans back.He may not have rocked the corporate world as much as he thought he would. Still, he’s worked hard and has gained a great deal of knowledge in his field. He’s known for being very good at what he does, even though it’s not where he thought he’d end up. Wisdom and experience changes you. He carries the light so he can forge ahead, rather than using up all of the lamp oil in a blaze of self-interested glory. The Hermit is a bit jaded, yet he perserveres.

Yeah, Hermit… Bro… I’m right there with you. It’s not easy. I’m feeling tired and jaded. Yet I’m going to keep going. Strength seemed to be a non-entity for me. Not sure why. I’ll revisit it at another point.

Still… we keep going. I keep going. Things are good.

Yesterday was The Wheel for Day 10, and I should have known it would deal me a few interesting curve balls. It’s very good at that. It was my birthday yesterday. I had cravings for the first time throughout this process. Big ones. I needed crunchy and salty things badly, yet I avoided them. I thought I was doing okay until the Skinny Bitches surprised me with an office birthday cake. They KNOW I am on a diet. Bitches. Thanks a lot, WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE! Of course, none of them touched it but expected me to. They even went out of their way to get chocolate. Dudes… I AM ON A FUCKING DIET. GET ME A GODDAMN FRUIT PLATTER AND STICK A FUCKING CANDLE IN IT, SHIAT!!!

Listen all y’all it’s a SABOTAGE!

Well, not literally. The Wheel is seriously sneaky. I knew something like this might happen. I ate a tiny sliver out of guilt. I should not have done that. I know a couple of bites won’t kill me, but for me it has everything to do with the principal of the thing. A few bites could trigger my brain to go into "FUCKITALL!" mode and a binge could happen. The Wheel opened up many opportunities over the day to be good yet indulge a bit WITHOUT giving in to the Beast-Binge-Monkey-On-Mah-Back. I am full of WIN for seeing it, and simply doing the best with what I was offered. I had to go to lunch with my boss, a business mixer (snooze!) and go out to dinner with my fam. Oh, Wheel… the hits keep on comin’, don’t they?

Still… I was good. Nothing triggered, nothing gained. I need to remind myself that this is a process, and not every card will be sunshiney happy with a side of organic roasted vegetables. Which is totally part of my lunch today. They’re delicious! I need to remember that the challenging days and how I handle or react to them are what makes this process work. It is on me to keep true to what I promised myself I can do.

That’s why Justice for Day 11 seems quite vindicating and appropriate.

None of this seems coherant to me at all. I’ve got a raging case of brain weasels (a.k.a migraine from HELL). I didn’t want to let too many days slip by without writing on this. The writing helps me to figure it out and put it into perspective.

It’s all good. And… I’ve lost 11 lbs since the end of June. Apparently my last go at this wasn’t as big a fail as I thought.

And also… I’m like half-way there! The scales are poised. Justice has her sword. We’re good.

Ugh. The Chariot.

Ugh. The Chariot.

My 95-year-old grandma passed away yesterday.

My grandma and I were very close. Even though we knew it would probably happen soon, you never know when or how it’s going to effect you when it inevitably does happen. She didn’t have to be in pain for too long, and she left peacefully. It’s still sinking in for me, really. That side of the family thrives on drama and conflict. I’m a bit afraid of what will happen next. My kinfolk are known for taking the Tower, scrapping it, and rebuilding it entirely out of crack rocks. I’m afraid of what is going to happen with my dad. I might have mentioned it before, but things aren’t good with him either. The family has decided not to have a memorial service, which is something I think is a mistake. I think we all need a chance to say goodbye. I certainly can do so on my own, but when you bring family together to honor someone’s memory, it’s a much needed rite of passage. It’s closure. It’s moving forward. It’s upset me quite a bit.

I can’t get a good read on any of it. I tried, but it felt like an exercise in futility. If it doesn’t snap, it won’t. I’m too emotionally drained perhaps. I’ll try again in a few days. It’s a rarity for me to be so emotionally and energetically sapped that no matter how badly I need to read, nothing will come. This is the type of situation where I would normally consult a professional. Actually, I plan to do just that. I need some clarity that I am not seeming to get on my own.

Although I am continuing with Diet*Tarot, I am probably going to have to do some catch-up posts in a couple of days.

I couldn’t keep up with the Chariot today, although I tried. The Chariot said “Just go to work! Business as usual! It will keep your mind off of it!”. Bullshit! I only lasted half the day before locking up my office and going home. Still, I ate well and stuck with the plan, despite having the perfect excuse not to. My only indulgence was a Fat Tire with dinner and avocados on my salad. Hello- they’re good fat, and do I feel bad about eating them? Not at all! Chariot Power Activate!

While my grandma’s been doing poorly for a while, I didn’t expect to lose her so soon. I am glad that I made it through the day without compromising any of my goals. It was not an easy day, nor was it an easy thing to do. Ugh.

Business as usual? Maybe not for a bit. I’m drifting along. Some part of me always thought that she’d live to 100. Part of me is relieved that she didn’t suffer for too long, followed by moments where I don’t know how I feel.

Still… I will stick with my plan. I can make it through this with the kind of V for VICTORYMOTHERFUCKERS that the Chariot is always game for.

It seems silly and insignificant in light of everything else, but focusing on small shitty hills is what gets me ready to scale bigger, shittier mountains.

Diet*Tarot Day 6: The Lovers

Diet*Tarot Day 6: The Lovers

Let me just say that the Lovers is an interesting card to leave on your altar, particularly if your altar is near your bed.

The Magician I Married is now sure that we should just leave the card there all the time.

Yeah, so… It’s good to burn calories before you eat because… So, anyway…

All and all, it’s been an awesome day. I’ve just relaxed, and that’s it. I’ve been feeling a bit worn out mentally and spiritually with so many big things happening in my life all at once. My grandmother is probably going to pass within the week. My husband’s big promotion and big raise went through (finally!), and we’re now in the market to buy a house. Which means moving! I have some licensing I’m trying to get for work, and studying is overwhelming me… This with trying to diet? Seriously. I’m a bit frazzled in the membrane, rather than insane.

I’m seeing where the Lovers are particularly relevant. I have the munchies with a seriousness! This is totally my own fault, letting my vices get the best of me, but… Godsdamn… I need something crunchy or salty. I could probably nom on some carrots and hummus, but since I don’t happen to have either one of those… I also know we have triscuits in the house. Triscuits happen to be one of my favorite things to eat while indulging in my vices. The texture is of particular interest. I am making a choice to stick with my plan. If it’s not a healthy snack, it’s not something to be snacked on at all. Battle the cravings and taking the high road isn’t easy. It’s definitely thrown a monkey wrench in Relaxo Day. Still, I’d argue that making the conscious choice not to give into that temptation and to choose the higher path is quite relevant to the Lovers.

Still… The weather is lovely out today, and the Magician and I are enjoying the sunshine. I can pass on triscuit-tricksters. I’ve got more than what I need right here. Also, I am enjoying a light beer. Not the best, but I’ll take what I can get.

Diet*Tarot Day 5: The Hierophant vs. The Skinny Bitches!

Diet*Tarot Day 5: The Hierophant vs. The Skinny Bitches!

Today, I roll with the Hierophant. The Bureaucrat who complains about rules, but secretly loves them. Organization. Structure. Tradition. The Way Things Have Always Been Done. It’s hard for me to battle my conflicting nature. My Erisian fly-by-the-seat-of-my-broomstick-kallisti-fnord tendency along with my gooey Single-5 center of do-the-right-thing-because-it-is-what-your-supposed-to-do-you-idiot… It makes things a bit tough. I’ve always felt that the Hierophant has a droll, witty, and dry sense of humor. He appreciates irony. He’s more of a Demetri Martin than a peasant, joke-stealing simpleton like Dane Cook. Of course, there is a big awesome brewfest in my town this weekend. The Magician I Married is totally stoked on going. This is bad for me. Beer is my enemy. I love good beer. Love it. I have a very well-developed palate, not unlike my Wine Snob friends. Beer is much the same, if you develop a true appreciation for the craft. There is far more subtlety than piss-water like Budweiser or Coors could ever posses. Yes. I like good beer. The calories seem meaningless when I’m drinking it. I am try to avoid extra calories I don’t particularly need. Beer is hard for me to resist, but other than a pomegranate flavored Michelob Ultra (not terrible for light, kind of fresh and summery), I’ve been good. This brewfest could blow my whole plan to Shit Planet and back. I can’t let that happen. It could trigger a “I’m drunk… I need food… IN-N-OUT BURGER!!!! NOW! IN MY FACE AND INTO MAH BELLY!”.
Nope. The Hierophant knows that the best plan of attack is for me to be the DD, and let the Hubs partake of the glorious nectar. He’s quite charming when drunk. It’s going to be really hard… So many very fine beer-making establishments will be present. I might cry a little on the inside. Yet the Hierophanty-pants tells me that I have to avoid it for now if I want to make this whole experiment with Diet*Tarot work. I have to confront a situation that could be difficult for me, and through discipline and mastery over my impulses, make it work.

I hate the Hierophant. He’s kind of a buzzkill. Still… He’s right, you know. He loooooooves being right.

So… Diet*Tarot… I feel good about this. I feel like it’s working for me. Each day, the card I put on my altar (er… one of them) sets the tone for my triumphs and challenges. I am still a Fool, but my Crapsack is growing full of ideas, work-arounds, and protective devices. It’s a 6 of WIN-WIN-WIN!

Some asshole put a HUGE tub of chocolate-covered raisins in the breakroom at work. I don’t care for them, except for the chocolate part. I’ve avoided all temptation completely. Even though The Skinny Bitches won’t shut up about them. “OMG… Who put these back here? They look so good, but I can’t have any!”. Shut up and put a sammich in your face. I am an average sized girl and then some. I require more food than you do. My metabolism is what it is. You look at me oddly because I eat a whole chicken salad sandwich and not a half. You condescendingly “congratulate” me for eating my diet food all week. “You’ve been eating so healthy this week! Good for you! Are your diet foods low in sodium though?” “You’re going to the gym? Good for you! You should start with some free weights and…” GAH! SHUT YOUR FACES! If I wanted your unsolicited advice, I’d punch myself in the face first to dull the pain of hearing your agonizing voices. I am lucky though… We got some new girls in the office who are not 20 year old, rabbit food eating, gym obsessed Mean Girls. The Regular Gals are average-sized. The Regular Gals eat average things for lunch, average portions, and don’t make a big deal about the amounts of food they’re not eating. I am glad for them, as I am one of them for the most part.

I’m not one of those “CURVY GIRLS ARE BETTER THAN SKINNY GIRLS” types. Nor do I support the response “SHUT UP, BITCH. YOU SOUND FAT.” I think our bodies should be where they are naturally prone to be, with a bit of help if needed if they’ve gotten derailed. I think our genes, brain chemistry, and physical make-up are each staggeringly different, and there truly isn’t a one-size-fits-all for diet and exercise. That’s why Diet Platitudes dished out to “help” the office fat girl aren’t welcome. These things aren’t said to help me. They are said to help the Skinny Bitches feel more smugly-self-satisfied. It’s not the case with everyone, of course. I think skinny can be just as beautiful as Christina Hendricks. I won’t demean everyone who has a particular body type. That would make me a hypocrite. Skinny Bitches are ugly on the inside. So are Fat Bitches who do act the same towards all who are thinner than they are. There is a difference between being skinny and being a Skinny Bitch, just as there is a difference in being fat or being a Fat Bitch. I am just fat, and the Bitch only comes out if you overstep your bounds.

There we go again with the Hierophant soap box… I’ve gotta hand it to him, he’s very good at pimpin’ and pontificatin’, especially in areas where his sense of right, reason, and ethics have been somehow blemished. He’s hell on the Skinny Office Bitches. And you know what? I must have needed that.

So… I am off to go roast in the hot July sun while my beloved Magician gets his drink on. 6 of WHINE. 😉

Diet*Tarot Days 3 & 4: The Empress & Emporer Rule!

Diet*Tarot Days 3 & 4: The Empress & Emporer Rule!

"The Empress" from the Jasniak Tarot by Aleksandra Jasniak.

I lagged for a couple of days, but I’m still on the wagon. No one fell off, surprisingly… It’s been a little bit like playing a relatively uneventful game of Oregon Trail. Nothing exciting, things are going as expected in a good way, and the sailing is so smooth that I’m pretty sure I’ve inadvertently channeled the Spirit of Yaht Rock. I am thinking for some of my Power Players, i.e. The Magician, the HP, and quite possibly today’s Hierophant that a full entry is needed.

But does full entry come with full release?

Don’t answer that.

I am doing well, feeling well, and am in what feels like a healthy place both rationally and emotionally. By focusing on a card for each day, it’s strange how my day or my energy will parallel that card in some way. Sure, this makes me a little bit afraid of the devil and death, but… Or does it? I take the more “negative” aspects of some of these cards as a challenge or an opportunity. Sure, Death isn’t always literal death, but transformation isn’t always pleasant or without pain. Yet what the idea of transformation means as one is sticking with a diet or an eating plan is a very positive thing. You’ve got to endure the bad and find ways around it, cards or not. There are bad diet days, regardless of using the cards for support on your journey or not. Using tarot is a way to look at those days in a more objective way.

I seem to channel and work with the energy on some days, as I did a few days back with the Empress. Other days, I am more removed from the more mystical elements, yet actively manifesting that card in MunDanish ways as I did with the Emperor yesterday. I think for each person, it depends on which cards they like and are drawn to, and which ones really resonate the most with what you’re experiencing at the time. I listened to playlists for the Magician, HP, and Empress, and nothing for the Emperor. Why? It just didn’t feel like it was going to be that kind of day.

Still, things are working. I hopped on the scale a few days earlier than I’d planned (The Empress wants what she wants and she wants it NOW!). I’ve lost 9 lbs in the last month! The week I took off for PMS didn’t even count! I don’t know how that happened, but I’ll take it. I am thrilled to be able to do this without relying on diet pills. I’ve had it in my mind that I can’t lose weight without being drugged up on a *phenterCRUNKY cocktail. It’s effective stuff. I am one of those lucky people who does very well on it without side effects. Still, it’s impossible to get it reliably at a reasonable price. I’m sorry OnlinePharmaDicks Dot Com, what you’re demanding upwards of $200 for is probably phenterCRACK or phenterMETH rather than phenterCRUNKY. Sure, you can maybe find a doctor who will prescribe it if you’re lucky or find one of those expensive weekly diet “clinics”. I’ve done all that. It doesn’t help in the long term, obviously. It is not worth it. I am glad to find myself motivated, not ravenously hungry, and able to do this without such a crutch. Besides, I can’t take the stuff with one of my other meds. Problem solved.

Shit. You can tell it’s Hierophant day. I got my soapbox out, and I am rocking it!

Day 3- The Empress… Oddly enough, I just felt good that day. Good on the inside, like light was radiating from within. I stuck with my plan, but it felt effortless, natural, unhurried, unforced. I enjoyed what I ate that day more than I normally would, and sought out ways to get more creative with what I had to work with. The Empress and I both enjoy good food, and I felt a need to get a little bit creative. My medifast cappuccino? It’s okay by itself, but mixed in with a cup of very good and strong coffee? Nice! The medifast chai? It’s actually one of their better ones, but mixing it into some of this? Co-workers chimed in “OMG! WHAT IS THAT? IT SMELLS SO GOOD!”. Diet food, you skinny bitches! Recognize! The Empress inspired me to improvise, and I came up with a lot of little ways to make my food choices more varied without deviating too much. The Empress has a way of taking over whenever I invite her into my life. Of course, I had a good hair day, my make-up looked flawless for once, and I rocked some pretty kickass heels with aplomb. The Empress inspires one to feel as good as they can, both on the inside and outside. She demands it… then she goes and lays down for a nice, leisurely mid-day nap. All in all, it was a good day on all accounts. Sure, putting together a small playlist of Empress-y songs didn’t hurt. Whenever I think of the Empress, I can’t help but get the song “Sugar Magnolia” stuck in my head… Yeah, I went through a minor dead-head phase in high school. It was cool to be a hippie in 1993… as long as you bathed regularly.

♪♫ Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, head’s all empty and I don’t care… ♫♪

Day 4- The Emperor… This one was a bit tougher. I normally don’t connect with this guy at all. He’s just a bit too patriarchal for my liking. I didn’t put together a playlist, as it would require way too much Biggie Smallz for my liking. I don’t know why I associate Biggie with the Emperor. It probably has something to do with presence. The Emperor comes up for me as the personification of masculine mental focus… The ability to zero-in on the task at hand, to lead, to demand excellence as only a king would. The Emperor is THE MAN. I happen to work in an industry that is very Emperor-Hierophanty. It manifested for me in a bigger way than I thought. I was buried at work yesterday, quite unexpectedly. I had a lot of projects thrown on my desk that needed my attention ASAP, and while I could let them wait until Monday, it didn’t seem like the right or honorable thing to do. I had my breakfast, and worked steadily until about 2:30, not even realizing that I’d worked through lunch time. I was so busy and focused (the Emperor is good at focusing on the task at hand) that I forgot to eat. I LOVE THAT! IT’S AWESOME! Just like a skinny bitch! WoOOHOOO! The Emperor “encouraged” (i.e. He’s bigger than a king. He doesn’t encourage. He demands. You listen.) me to eat some “real food”, as with my blood sugar issues and waiting so long to eat, I needed a little bit more protein than normal. I was so mentally in Emporer’s-Bringin’-It-Workin’-For-The-Man-Gettin’-Shit-Done mode that any residual snacky-empress moments I might have experienced are nonexistent. The Emperor’s leadership gave me the focus I needed to get through what could normally be a very icky day. It is largely about leading and doing what is necessary to maintain balance and order within the kingdom. He can’t do it alone, of course. That’s why he has a Hierophant to do his compliance.

Day 5? That’s another entry, man.

Note to self… 6 of WIN-WIN-WIN!

*I don’t want to get spammed by PharmBots. Phonetically it’s pronounced fenn-tur-mean. Get it? Got it? Good.

Diet*Tarot Day 2: The High Priestess

Diet*Tarot Day 2: The High Priestess

Helllllooooooooooo High Priestess!

Let’s get this party started, shall we? Let us commence with the getting crunk with it, yes? Huzzah! The serfs rejoice, their jubilent cries of glee and exhaltation echoing sweetly down the hillside! Huzzah! Prepare to have your moneymakers shaken, not stirred!

HUZZAH? Can I get a what-what? What for? I don’t know man… I just work here.

No. No huzzah. Fail. The HP is not interested in any of that. The HP is what nips the Magician in the heels when he starts riding waves his surfboard can’t manage. LET’S GO SURFING NOW! EVERYBODY’S LEARNING HOW!

“Ummmm… Let’s not.” The HP says with a small hint of condescention. Not much, just a twinge. She knows a whole hell of a lot more than Captain Charisma with his wands, pents, chalice, and blade.

I feel like she’s lent a firm but gentle hand my way, as if to say “Yes, all of that enthusiasm is nice, but it’s not the only thing that will get you where you need to be. If you’re quiet and learn to listen to what your body already knows, it will help you in the long run.

Initially, I wasn’t sure quite what to do with her. The deep well of intuition, knowledge, forsight, and it’s implied receptivity is something I come back to time and time again in my spiritual practice. I seemed blocked from seeing where it applies to my eating habits.

I am starting to see it… There are seeds of potential waiting to be sown, and the HP sees them clearly for what they are. She’s not going to tell you, of course. You’re going to have to dive in the well and retrieve the answers for yourself. They are there, and she will gladly share them if you’re worthy. I need to be patient with myself and patient with the process. I need to look within, and she’s a good reminder of that. It’s not all about what I’m eating or not eating. There is more to it than that.

Keep calm and carry on? No. Keep calm and dive in, but don’t rush. Pay attention to your surroundings. They’ll be important later.

I did get a little flash of insight though… I got to thinking about foods that I absolutely cannot eat, or they might trigger a binge or a Tower-esque throwing in of the towel with a hearty “FUCKITALL!!!”. I can pass on these easily enough… I am able to do that. None of this “just-take-a-little-bite business”. True. I know this, but it’s hard to admit it. Well… it is what it is. I can change it through non-action rather than action. Take a bite or no? No. Not even one. I can see the HP nodding. I suppose that’s where she’s at her best. She’s the one who can present you with a reflection of how things really are. Not so that you’ll come charging out to take action, but that you’re empowered with knowledge. The fight comes later.

So the HP is good for understanding the why behind some of these issues. It’s not all about conquering with all guns blazing. Work needs to take place on the inside too. It’s a small thing, but it’s a start. It’s not just what you eat, but how you think about eating in general. Mindful eating… The HP is a big purponent of that. I know for me, thinking more consciously about why I am eating a particular or why I am hungry bumps things up another notch. It’s a different approach. I feel like I already know these things, but I needed them reflected back to me.

Message received, loud and clear. I’m not forcing things today. I am just going where the water leads me.

That is something I never seem to get around to.

Diet*Tarot Day 1: The Magician

Diet*Tarot Day 1: The Magician

Oh Magician… You’re certainly not a bad influence to have around. With all that swagger and confidence, even if you know deep down that you don’t know shit, you certainly put together one hell of a presentation. You use all of the tools in your small but powerful arsenal rolling around in your trusty Fool’s Knapsack to BRING IT. Hell, Magician, no one would know that what you’re pimpin’ is all you’ve got. Shhhhh… I won’t tell. You’ve got ideas and possibilties, and while I think you can be a bit shallow at times, I think your ideas have real potential.

It’s not so much about “I Will” with the Magician. It’s more “I Do… Look, and I’ll show you!”

The Magician is about power wielded, raw and potent, full of energy, but lacking refinement and insight at times. The Magician has tunnel vision. He is just as much about now as The Fool, except the infectious charisma he projects often clouds his perceptions. Too much confidence can be to one’s detriment, but the Magician can balance it by moving forward. If you want to get shit done, with the right amount of skill, knowledge, and swagger… He’s your guy.

I am seeing the Magician manifesting a great burst of needed energy and forward momentum. “Let’s do this!” He says, presenting quite a display of tools I never knew I had, faking the confidence to use them flawlessly until gaining the knowledge to use them properly. Sure, I’ve got a basic idea of what I’m trying to accomplish by establishing new habits, as well as a fairly good eating plan in place. I’ve not been dragged down by my Monkey yet, nor has frustration caught up with me yet. The Magician in me feels good about where I’m at, and even though I might feel a little bit lost as to how the process will ultimately roll out, it’s not stopping me from going for it. Self-doubt is something the Magician is good at conquering, and I could certainly use to learn a lesson or two there.

“I can. I do. I will. HOOOOO-AHHHHH!” The Magician on a diet shouts. “I know how to do this… now… Let’s DO IT! Awwwww-yeah meaux-feaux!”

Let me tell you, thats some powerful energy to channel before you’ve had any coffee… I didn’t mean to, of course. Something snapped though. The Magician has a way of taking over. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and jittery for no reason, I need to eat but feel to nervy to keep much food down. This is the bad side of the Magician. I see blood sugar swings being an issue today. The GREAT SURGE OF NAUSEA AND DIZZY MADNESS caused by blood sugar fluctuations is in a similar vein as the Magician on a bad day or The Chariot. I’m not sure I like that.

But… I can. I do. I will… So… I appreciate this part of the process. A bit of momentum and confidence is good. It will serve me well.

A little bit later…

The Magician? GREAT SUCCESS! Today wasn’t so bad. I think I talked myself up more than anything else, but that is one of the Magician’s many charms. Instead of whining and complaining about the fact that I only had veggie burgers and more cursed green beans to eat, I actually got my ass to the store afterwork. A miracle? Nope. Inspired action, thanks to the Man with the Wand and the Wicked Grin.

I’m finding that just having the card as a focus is helpful. I’m less apt to dwell on the stuff that usually gets me. Take action, use the tools you have, and PIMP them! Got it, bro. I totally got it.