I’m still on the wagon… I haven’t quite fallen off, but sure as Shiva hasn’t been easy.
Two observations… I feel like I am more on my own with more passive cards like Strength and the Hermit. Both were okay days, but the well of will needed to fight the cravings at a few points was all me. The cards themselves really took a backseat. I am curious to see how that plays out with some of the other more kinder, gentler cards. Not that the Hermit is particular passive. I’m sure in his youth he was quite the badass. The Magician is very much his younger, slightly more foolish, significantly more arrogant self. The Magician is the college kid who just graduated with his MBA who is READY and PUMPED to take on his assumed role in Corporate America, since he knows he’s worked hard and he deserves it. $100k and a corner office right out of the gate, simply because he looks good on paper and thinks he’s worthy of it? Sign The Magician up! The Hermit is this same college kid a number of years later. He probably had to take a job he wasn’t anticipating to make ends meet and pay his student loans back.He may not have rocked the corporate world as much as he thought he would. Still, he’s worked hard and has gained a great deal of knowledge in his field. He’s known for being very good at what he does, even though it’s not where he thought he’d end up. Wisdom and experience changes you. He carries the light so he can forge ahead, rather than using up all of the lamp oil in a blaze of self-interested glory. The Hermit is a bit jaded, yet he perserveres.
Yeah, Hermit… Bro… I’m right there with you. It’s not easy. I’m feeling tired and jaded. Yet I’m going to keep going. Strength seemed to be a non-entity for me. Not sure why. I’ll revisit it at another point.
Still… we keep going. I keep going. Things are good.
Yesterday was The Wheel for Day 10, and I should have known it would deal me a few interesting curve balls. It’s very good at that. It was my birthday yesterday. I had cravings for the first time throughout this process. Big ones. I needed crunchy and salty things badly, yet I avoided them. I thought I was doing okay until the Skinny Bitches surprised me with an office birthday cake. They KNOW I am on a diet. Bitches. Thanks a lot, WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE! Of course, none of them touched it but expected me to. They even went out of their way to get chocolate. Dudes… I AM ON A FUCKING DIET. GET ME A GODDAMN FRUIT PLATTER AND STICK A FUCKING CANDLE IN IT, SHIAT!!!
Listen all y’all it’s a SABOTAGE!
Well, not literally. The Wheel is seriously sneaky. I knew something like this might happen. I ate a tiny sliver out of guilt. I should not have done that. I know a couple of bites won’t kill me, but for me it has everything to do with the principal of the thing. A few bites could trigger my brain to go into "FUCKITALL!" mode and a binge could happen. The Wheel opened up many opportunities over the day to be good yet indulge a bit WITHOUT giving in to the Beast-Binge-Monkey-On-Mah-Back. I am full of WIN for seeing it, and simply doing the best with what I was offered. I had to go to lunch with my boss, a business mixer (snooze!) and go out to dinner with my fam. Oh, Wheel… the hits keep on comin’, don’t they?
Still… I was good. Nothing triggered, nothing gained. I need to remind myself that this is a process, and not every card will be sunshiney happy with a side of organic roasted vegetables. Which is totally part of my lunch today. They’re delicious! I need to remember that the challenging days and how I handle or react to them are what makes this process work. It is on me to keep true to what I promised myself I can do.
That’s why Justice for Day 11 seems quite vindicating and appropriate.
None of this seems coherant to me at all. I’ve got a raging case of brain weasels (a.k.a migraine from HELL). I didn’t want to let too many days slip by without writing on this. The writing helps me to figure it out and put it into perspective.
It’s all good. And… I’ve lost 11 lbs since the end of June. Apparently my last go at this wasn’t as big a fail as I thought.
And also… I’m like half-way there! The scales are poised. Justice has her sword. We’re good.