My 95-year-old grandma passed away yesterday.
My grandma and I were very close. Even though we knew it would probably happen soon, you never know when or how it’s going to effect you when it inevitably does happen. She didn’t have to be in pain for too long, and she left peacefully. It’s still sinking in for me, really. That side of the family thrives on drama and conflict. I’m a bit afraid of what will happen next. My kinfolk are known for taking the Tower, scrapping it, and rebuilding it entirely out of crack rocks. I’m afraid of what is going to happen with my dad. I might have mentioned it before, but things aren’t good with him either. The family has decided not to have a memorial service, which is something I think is a mistake. I think we all need a chance to say goodbye. I certainly can do so on my own, but when you bring family together to honor someone’s memory, it’s a much needed rite of passage. It’s closure. It’s moving forward. It’s upset me quite a bit.
I can’t get a good read on any of it. I tried, but it felt like an exercise in futility. If it doesn’t snap, it won’t. I’m too emotionally drained perhaps. I’ll try again in a few days. It’s a rarity for me to be so emotionally and energetically sapped that no matter how badly I need to read, nothing will come. This is the type of situation where I would normally consult a professional. Actually, I plan to do just that. I need some clarity that I am not seeming to get on my own.
Although I am continuing with Diet*Tarot, I am probably going to have to do some catch-up posts in a couple of days.
I couldn’t keep up with the Chariot today, although I tried. The Chariot said “Just go to work! Business as usual! It will keep your mind off of it!”. Bullshit! I only lasted half the day before locking up my office and going home. Still, I ate well and stuck with the plan, despite having the perfect excuse not to. My only indulgence was a Fat Tire with dinner and avocados on my salad. Hello- they’re good fat, and do I feel bad about eating them? Not at all! Chariot Power Activate!
While my grandma’s been doing poorly for a while, I didn’t expect to lose her so soon. I am glad that I made it through the day without compromising any of my goals. It was not an easy day, nor was it an easy thing to do. Ugh.
Business as usual? Maybe not for a bit. I’m drifting along. Some part of me always thought that she’d live to 100. Part of me is relieved that she didn’t suffer for too long, followed by moments where I don’t know how I feel.
Still… I will stick with my plan. I can make it through this with the kind of V for VICTORYMOTHERFUCKERS that the Chariot is always game for.
It seems silly and insignificant in light of everything else, but focusing on small shitty hills is what gets me ready to scale bigger, shittier mountains.