Reading in the Real World

Reading in the Real World

I recently did something kind of amazing for a tarotista… I spent the whole weekend doing tarot readings at a local psychic fair! WHOOHOOO!

It materialized in the way all things meant to happen should… Out of nowhere, with everything perfectly falling into place within a short time. The psychic fair was in a gorgeous space in the historic downtown district where I used to live. Thanks to my tarot teacher, I procured a fantastic booth at the very last minute, no late fees! Her suggestion was to get business cards, a table cloth, fresh flowers, and a sign in a nice picture frame. It was important to me to create a sacred space within the space, to invite you in with color, warmth, and hospitality. I also wanted to give people the opportunity to try tarot without a significant investment. $10 for 10 minutes is cheap, but my goal was to get some real hands on practice, talk to people, and make it fun for everyone! Like breakfast cereal with marshmallows! Yay!

I was steadily busy the whole time! My tarot teacher was a few booths away, and gave me some tips to get me through. I discovered that she too sneaks smoke breaks between readings! I was sugar and nicotine powered the whole day! It was needed. The space was hopping with a lot of energy, and my batteries got sapped after 2-3 readings. I was busy enough to do streaks of four or five readings in a row at times, making excuses to slip away and sit outside to recharge.
I started my first day using a few different decks, but on day two, I narrowed it down to the Spiral Deck. The gentle energy and imagery complimented readings in such a energy-heavy environment. I used my own timeline spread for most, along with a relationship spread. To begin, I used the querant’s DOB to figure out their personality card (using the method in Mary K. Greer’s “Tarot Constellations”). Then, I asked if they had a specific issue or if there were any areas of their life that were current priorities. It’s not easy to coax an answer out of quiet or indecisive people, and my sales background helped me more than I thought it ever would. Knowing their personality card gave us something to chat about informally before I started shuffling, so they’d relax and open up. People love to hear about themselves! I only had a few lousy clients, and I actually made some money. Not too bad for the last minute?
One fun reading was for a mother and two daughters who were all hairdressers. I also enjoyed the junior high girl who asked for a reading about boys… and One Direction. I told her I’d look at her future relationships in one, two, and five years… while seeing what her favorite boy band du jour was up to. The best part was seeing her dad come up behind her “O-M-G… My dad is standing right behind me, and we’re talking about BOYS! This is so embarrassing!”.

“Honey,” I said, “I’ll keep an eye out for him. If I see him, we’ll change the subject for a minute.”

She ended up tipping me. Nice kid, despite her deplorable taste in music.

Everyone wants to know about relationships… I had no doubt, I had no idea how obsessed they were! I also had a group of pretentious little city twats with vacant energy darken my doorstep… My gut told me to say no, but I read regarding her “change of location” anyhow.

Her: “I’m having surgery.”
Me: “I don’t think you should consider moving until after you heal up.”
Her: (blank stare) “Heal? As if, like, from what?”
Me: “Um… You just told me you were having surgery? Usually surgery is indicative of a doctor cutting you open and sewing you back up again with some recovery time…”
Her: (blanker stare) “Huh?”
Me: “Yeah, so… Consult your medical professional before you move furniture. Moving on…”

Overall, it was fun, other than Buzzkill Barbie above. I made a little money, had fun, and feel a lot more confident about my abilities. I’m glad it all came together.
But I’m sooooooooooooooo glad it’s over! I was so tired after Saturday that I wanted to call in sick for Sunday. But no… I got my arse in gear. I took a nap as soon as I got home, but the day was otherwise a great success. I’m still tired.

The Priestess and The Pain

The Priestess and The Pain

One of my favorite lines from any movie is from the Princess Bride… It’s also one of the truest pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

To say that the Priestess Path is without pain is a cruel joke of the highest degree. The highest highs of that come with feeling my chakras spin in tune with the wheels of the universe, and the lowest lows that come from being ejected from the Good Spaceship Kali onto the jagged rocks below. Still, it’s all good… Even the bad. Pain is to be expected, and to live a life without it is quite rare indeed. I’ve chosen to go farther with my path than I’d ever thought possible, and while I’ll always still be learning, I feel as if I’ve earned my stripes to a degree. If I can withstand this, work with it, and try thrive, the pieces will fall into place.

And they have… Dear gods, they have… I’m done asking myself if I’m ready, because ready or not, the wheels and the gears are in motion. I accept the job of helping others to be armed with what they need to make the journey for themselves… The fact that I’m still here living and breathing (no joke), is because the right teacher came along at the right time, and she encouraged me to boot my arse into gear. Knowing what a Hierphant I am, it makes sense that I’d want to give the same to others in need.

Ugh… That’s so humanitarian of you, Eris! Brav-O! Not really… It’s part of the Priestess Path. If you can empower others to learn for themselves, and guide them through the rough seas that come with the territory, then in my opinion, you’re already half-way there. It’s not a burden to me, not yet. Pain? Bwaahahaahaha! It’s only temporary!

Most of the time, I valiently shout "BRING THE PAIN, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! I got this!". Once you’ve been bounced from a pretty pink fluffy bubble, shit gets real. If you have a little fight in you, you’d be amazed at what you can do.

My physical pain, however, doesn’t feel so temporary. It’s the reason I hold back on my numerous elaborate plans! I’ve had quite enough of this fucking invisible illness controlling my life. It’s the one area where magick doesn’t work and Big Pharma provides bandaid only… Complimentary and alternative therapies? I’ve done them all. sometimes twice. All I can do is tap dance through life, hoping I’ll have a day where the pain subsides and I can feel normal for a little while. Tomorrow could be that day, or I may not be able to get out of bed at all. It’s a crap shoot, and I’m not too keen on the odds working out in my favor. As I speak, it’s bad. Shit is real.

I try not to be angry… Whatever the lessons are here, they’ve thus illuded me. Still, I’m going to keep going. Tomorrow could be better than today. My spirit is strong… Stronger than I ever knew it could be. It’s my body that betrays me, each time. There is more to life and the universe than this shell… Mired in my misery, I just can’t see it. But I want to see… So… away I go!

Thanks to Hecate, I’m Hexy & I Know It

Thanks to Hecate, I’m Hexy & I Know It

Hecate, let your light shine and protect me

as I move at ease between the worlds with

Compassion for others

Reverence for Nature

Gratitude to the Gods

Happiness at my hearth

Joy in my vocation

Wealth in my wallet

Health in my body

Balance in my energy

Peace in my mind

Love in my heart

Kindness in my spirit

Wisdom in my workings

To gracefully learn from my mistakes

in accordance with my True Will

I’m still learning, but I get messages from Spirit like this all the time now. It’s like the Crone in me has come out in full force. I am the 9 of Pentacles at Work (well, I’m that at my employment work to), doing my thing as well as I can. I feel as if I’ve worked very hard for all this, but the full force of it is a bit overwhelming. I either feel an empathic impression, or a gut feeling about something or someone that I just can’t shake. Sometimes, it’s more of a visual snapshot, in vivid detail. Sometimes it comes true, other times I see it’s truth cropping up. Other times I’ll be overwhelmed by an energy, and I won’t know why. Something is wrong or off.

Other times, I just know.

It’s little stuff, big stuff, and everything in between. Every damn day.

Ain’t no stoppin’ the rock once it’s about to roll!

Working with Hecate helps keep the balance. Having her protection and influence helps immensely. I’m even dappling in herbalism most suddenly and quite fondly.

Life is good, or good enough.

My tarot has improved, although my patience for some decks has waned (The Old Path) and my affinity for others has grown (The White Cats). When I weave the stories in the spread, it all flows. I can see it, and my favorite thing is when the querent sees it too. I’m still dependent on Ryder Waite clones in reading for others (I choke if I complicate it by Thothing things up). Yet it doesn’t matter so much. All that really matters is telling the story, and with a little bit of divine light to illuminate my mad oracular skills.

Let your light so shine, Lady Who Walks Between The Worlds!

Still, don’t fuck with me bitches. I’m not Wiccan. Three-fold law? Boo. Nature doesn’t work that way. Chaos is random in lovely and ugly ways (Hail Eris!). I can only expect to get back what I put out there, unless it’s for the greater good. I only bite in cases of undeserved slight, smite or spite. I strive towards kindness, but I can usually see it when people aren’t so inclined. The lion in me attacks, but the Wise Woman in me knows better these days.

But still, I beg of you, don’t fuck with me! I will go 9 of Wands on your ass!

I’m hexy and I know it!
I work out!

Last Dance With Shiva Bhang…

Last Dance With Shiva Bhang…

There is one thing you should know about me… I’ve been high as fuck.

Everybody knows… I am a passionate advocate for medical cannabis patient’s rights. Access to good, affordable medicine for those who need it trumps any fun I might have had getting high in the past. Not so much for me… Others need this far more than I do. I know a guy. He’s gross, and lives near tweekers that always get raided by the DEA, but… uh… A seventy-year old woman with breast cancer shouldn’t have to dance with guys like this.

I’ve danced with Shiva myself… Shiva-Shiva-BHANG-BHANG! Why read Fifty Shades of GAY when you can be high as fuck while Shiva taps that ass with a vengeance? SURPRISE SHIVA SECKS!

I don’t get high anymore. A year ago, Cymbalta closed the portal in my brain. I’m learning to do underworld and journey work without the aid of cannabis. I’ve done it before I danced with Mary Jane, and I’ve done it after. All plants have an aspect of spirit, and the cannabis plant has a very gentle, loving, goddess spirit. I once responded to her gently spirialing caress like motherfucking gangbusters. Instead of a suveying a very visual landscape as I often do in my dreams, instead I’d trip into the landscape and become a part of it while I tripped. Cannabis as a gentle entheogen has a lot of potential, especially if you’re sensitive to it.

Last year, I stopped getting high. Didn’t matter how much, it just stopped. I still had great euphoric, pain, and energy benefits from it, but it was more of a habit than anything else. The baktuns whirl on. (HOLY FUCKING SHIT… THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN TO WHAT I’VE SEEN ON MY MOST VISUAL AND AMAZING SHAMANIC JOURNEYS! I swam through them, and moved through astral time with them, if that makes sense… SHIT!!! I didn’t want to Work today… Bah… I have a tummy bug! And this!!!!  Forget the psuedo-science-white-lighter-mumbo-jumbo, blah, blah, blah, a 13 month calendar is perfect for Earth Magick and moon workings! Hecate, my lady, you’re quite fond of making me roll up my sleeves instead of rolling up a joint…)

Those journeys were tantamount in learning to do The Work. Without them, I’d probably have a lot more shoes in my closet to fill the the black hole… A mighty void of my own design, swallowing my heart. In May, I had to take an unwanted, and very pragmatic look at myself. Here I was, spending upwards of $100 a week, often more, just to get back to those places.

I am a stoner, and I hate myself for it. A dirty, dirty, pathetic stoner. I’m preoccupied with weed, and for what?

Swimming in the rainbow belted currents of creation, walking across a shining lake lit by a sinking sun with Anubis at my side, seeing the cyclic nature of the Universe itself… GOD! Why wouldn’t you smoke everything you could afford to in order to get back to those places?! With the bonus of relaxation, pain relief, and mood brightening? Fuck yeah! It’s depressing to think that those places lurk, but I have to scrappily fight tooth, nail, flesh, blood, and bone to get there. No wonder I’m taking antidepressants… I’m pretty much fuckin’ crazy, if I listen to myself.

Thankfully, Spirit prevails, and I know what is real, beautiful, and true. I have clarity in my practice and work, and the messages are much more clear. I don’t need to wade in the waters to find my answers. I have access to guides and psychically, I’m aeons from where I was before.

Still, it’s nice to go for a swim sometimes…

Sometimes, Spirit compels me do make a choice I don’t fully understand at the time. SPIRIT FINGERS all up in my grill, you dig?

Adding tobacco to my smoking mix, a male god-spirit plant (not making shit up- got it from a Guide), gave me a bump and a jump to get back, but it’s a terrible way to go. The experience gave me just enough of a lift to make things more clear.

Simply put, I don’t need cannabis anymore. Since May, I’ve been blessed with a small and steady trickle of insight, messages, and continued improvement. The signs are clear… I need to stop for a bit to allocate and conserve my resources more effectively. Spirit says… Slow your roll, Smokey Joe, Gotta make it till’ Friday, dontcha’ know… Hey-Hey… Ho-Ho! I typically shop on Friday, if you know what I mean.

I’ve got a pain management regimen that works, I don’t need the cannabis for pain. A nice evening smoke from a vanilla e-cigarette has become just as relaxing as the five bowls I could pack away.

And my journey work? In becoming closer to Hecate, I am seeing that I’m building earthly roots so that I can walk between the worlds. I recognize the difference between going into Spirit, going “under” to the Underworld, and astral journeys. Spirit and underworld work are things that are home to me. Familiar.

Why? Because I’m Eris Fucking Hilton! I don’t need Mary Jane’s help to do the Work… I’m a fucking workhorse! It’s a labor of love. Quitting has not been easy. I’ve tried and failed weekly for two months.

So far, I’ve gone a week without bud or hash. The TCH stick is helping with the urge, but I realize it’s psychological rather than physical.

We had our dance, and now it’s time to grow up. I need my mind clear, clean, and my wits sharp. This isn’t an easy world to live in, or an easy time to be living in it.

I believe in access to safe medicine, but for me a little inconvenience goes a long way. My club is shutting down at the end of the month, and while I’m sad for those losing their jobs, I’m releived for myself. It makes this process that much easier.

Shit. I need a cigarette.

I keed… I keed…


Cheesburgers in Paradise, Fritatas in the Underworld…

Cheesburgers in Paradise, Fritatas in the Underworld…

Today was a good day…

My home is clean and smudged, just in case our new People of Walmart neighbors drop by. Fatima’s hands are in the windows, and I’ve salted the sills. When I’m futzing around with my witchy supplies, it seems the answer usually makes itself cinematically clear. I’m continually improving my knowledge of herb lore, something I never had much of an interest in.

In memorium of a friend who took his life, my husband was asked to light a candle. Depression, mental illness, and debilitating pain led this man into a dark place, where he felt very unworthy of love and unable to go on. I didn’t know him well, but Spirit pounced on my heart chakra like a bat out of Hades underpants. I starting weeping, because I had a sort of emotional imprint of the sadness and pain he felt. My solar-plexus began getting wobbly, and I could feel his spirit hovering, not understanding that he no longer needed to be attached to his physical body. He’s confused, scared, and still trying to exist in those currents that run so deep and painful that his spirit can’t depart. Lighting candles was a great idea, but… I mean… I knew there was probably something I could do.

I’ve never had a situation like this. I’m not really connected to him in life, so there wasn’t a lot of emotional muck getting in the way of what I had to do. I asked Hecate to guide me, to help me to see what needed to be done.

On an aside, a huge theme in my life path is Work. Well… broomstick don’t fail me now, me hearties!

I prepared a small ritual, using what I had on hand. I keep a little magickal apothecary in my kitchen with the stuff I use regularly. The plants themselves have a certain spirit to them, so it’s not just symbolic. Barely for purification (who needs Holy Water? Barley does it!), Osha root to protect him from unhelpful spirits, and chamomile and St. John’s Wort flowers to inspire a release from depression. We lit a candle for him, and provided coins for boat fare… Gas, grass, or ass, Charon doesn’t let any one ride for free.

I went Under, and visualized the candles lit for him… He had a lot of friends and people who loved him, so candles were blazing today. Man, the tears were coming… I told him that his path was lit by those who loved him, that he was worthy of divine love, and when he was ready to depart, he’d have a chance to rest. I showed him the coins, and I asked Hecate to watch over him on his journey. I told him about the Underworld, or at least what I know of it.

I wished him a safe journey, whenever he was ready. The boat makes a lot of trips across the river Styx, if you know what I mean, and I think you do… Charon probably gets a diferential for working so many shifts.

I also did a really good reading for my sister, where we only broke into song twice.

We also had some awesome pulled pork for dinner, that I made! Me! The recreational vegan! WHAT?!!?!?

Oh Hecate, you’ve got me gardening, cooking, and guiding departed souls into the Underworld… On my day off, no less!

For all of it, I’m glad I could do something. I perceived the need, and I knew I could help. These strange imprints and psychic snapshots aren’t as jarring to me as they used to be. I wanted this, didn’t I? I feel good though. Physically well, and spiritually sound.

Maybe all of the shake-up with the dead people in my life was leading up to this… I was offered a chance to do The Work in a real and sustaining way.

It feels right. My teacher suggested eggs, onion, and garlic as proper offerings to Hecate. I hope she doesn’t want me to make her a fritata… I’ve got the slowcooker conquered, but I’m still afraid of the stove!

Little Altars Everywhere… Crikey! The Blog Header Is An Altar!?

Little Altars Everywhere… Crikey! The Blog Header Is An Altar!?

I had a little bit of fun with the logo, just keeping it whimsical, yet full of fun fuckery.

It’s a little reminiscent of a something I would doodle in a journal or a book of shadows. It’s a little light-hearted considering the seriousness of this blog at times.

But that’s where I am… It’s all a part of it, from fluff to snuff to magickally failing and falling on your duff…

I tell you, my friends…

That’s the stuff!

Design-wise, it’s a little busy, but each piece tells a different story about what it means to be a witch looking for answers. It’s not representative of my best work, but it’s certainly representative of “That’s cute! I like it!” realm.

I don’t design much these days. It brings out my snobbishness and OCD out in a bad way that makes my body hurt.

Still… I even managed to do a little coding. Yay me! So… that’s what’s up.

Hecate: Her Torches Show A Witch Which Way

Hecate: Her Torches Show A Witch Which Way


  by William Blake

Yesterday, I told Hecate that I was ready to do The Work.

We’re getting to know each other. By working through a new relationship with a god, I always learn something about myself and where the path will meander next. The shifts in focus are somehow related to nature and the change in season, but I haven’t been able to make the connection yet. (Note to self- Ask Hecate. She might know the answer.)

Recently, Hecate has called me to step into my big-girl shoes. Hecate is a goddess I’ve always revered and feared, but have never worked with. It’s not unlike my early relationship with Kali, sans the belt of heads and limbs. I’ve been through this before, with the whole…

Seasonal Deity Drift! THAT is what we shall call it! Son of a witch with a fried spam sandwich! I’ll have to ponder that…

 Hecate is new for me. I know the basics about her, but I am beginning to understand her significance for me at this point in my like. When I pulled my annual tarot card for the New Year, I got The Hermit. Not my favorite! I’m a single five, and sometimes I like to pompously speak on the pompatus of love in a scholarly fashion while Belle and Sebastian plays in the background! I have peaches, but who wants to shake my tree when I’m all hermity and smelly! I wanted (demanded) a re-draw.

You can’t always get what you want, but I got the moves like Jaeger! However, my lesson for this year is to recognize my true will versus my personal will. I may not want to do more deep work with a dark goddess, but for now it’s the gentlest path there is. I can choose, but it comes with consequences. Gentle, but deep and dark?

Her torches show a witch which way.

I’ve been struggling to come up from my comfy winter underworld haze. Hecate has hoisted me up from the daze. Walking with ease between the worlds is something she can help me with. I’m also still a bit too bright and shiny for the big and nasties, so I’m in need of powerful protection.

I’ve got a bit of reading and research to do about her, and some ritual of course. That’s the fun part of the work. Only the Universe knows what it will bring.

This morning she told me how to start the work.

I just remembered a book about magic and witchcraft that I loved as a kid… Jennifer, Hecate, MacBeth, William McKinley, and Me, Elizabeth by E.L. Konigsburg. I vaguely recall it. Perhaps rereading it is a gentle and fun place to start.

She told me to write.

Thank you, Lady. I’m listening.


Dead People Like Me.

Dead People Like Me.

I’ve been given the gift to move with ease through the worlds, with great heart and spirit…

“Circumvent the tension! Circumvent the pain!“ Marcelline says, but she has nothing to do with all this. I will talk about you later, if you don’t mind.

The thing is, Dead people like me. Dead people have started talking to me. DEAD PEOPLE! The cracks in the veil are just enough so that the things in between shadows catch my eye. Death has been everywhere in my life recently, and the Universe is saying, “You can’t escape it, my dear. Not even in your post-beltaine-hit-it-hit-it-yeah afterglow”. I’m not afraid, just curiously amused. We also have a little bit of clairaudience is all up in this witch’s ears. I’ve heard faint Beatles-esque pop and weird tamboura sounding music faintly playing. It’s not the first time of course, but the frequency and intensity has increased. I was thinking maybe I had tinnitus, but my doctor said nope! My ears are fine.

 Marcelline is a part of it, I suppose. I didn’t think about it before, but she’s a dead person! She’s the first dead person who isn’t one of my grandparents that’s contacted me. This is HUGE stuff, when you consider it in relation to my Persephone path and my craft. Maybe death is my craft… It’s all over me like flies to honey.

 Yet, I’m not afraid. Fear and anxiety was stamped out by Kali-Ma’s blackened and burnt foot. Still, there is nothing to fear. It doesn’t even bother me that much. I have a bit more to learn, but that doesn’t bother me. The foundation is solid, and I’m ready to do the work. It won’t be easy, of course.

The Dead Man’s Party of 2012 is just getting started!

For now, I’ve got a little more time to relax in my current Mundanish phase. I’m enjoying my life as it is, right now. It’s been an amazingly mellow and lovely spring. Just being able to say “Hey, I’m a witch, and that’s okay” has helped me. My sudden catapulting into the priestesshood has humbled me. I can breathe. It’s all okay.

Still, there is work to be done! Spirit is persistent!

Through re-embracing my witchiness, I’ve come back to the sympathetic stuff that works. No occult or ceremonial ambitions here, for me low magick is where it’s at. It’s been a while since I went fireballs out and did some candle magick. I did a month-long working that I sort of botched. I’ve gone back over it, and I know what went wrong. Still, it’s yielded some surprising results.

I am blessed with a foundation of abundance, so I can move with ease through the worlds.

CLEAR VOICE (my sort-of-sometimes guide) informed me, deadpan as ever, that I was given this gift but I was to use it with great heart and spirit.

I move through the worlds with ease, in great heart and deep spirit.

I have a little work to do to figure out what the last part means, but I also have a little time.

A lot of people close to me have had loved ones pass very suddenly, just within the last two weeks. Something tells me that when the time is right, I might be called to help.

With great heart and spirit, I’ll be ready.

Be Here Now, Witch!

Be Here Now, Witch!

I’ve really gotten back to my roots over the last few months, in a spectacularly wickity-wacky kind of way. A little Lord and Lady never hurt anyone.  While I’m not Wiccan, I’ve been digging back into some of my old favorites over the last few months. There is something there for me in it, at least for this spring.

I’ve only had a few Sarasvati days, where the sun busts through black clouds, making my head pound as she does her work. A little knock or two from Shiva, but other than that nada.

It’s not like my gods to be so quiet, but I’ve figured out why.

This spring is really about Nature than it is about any particular god or goddess. I’m skipping to the dirty parts of Paganism… Nature itself! Not so much in the pantheistic sense. God=Nature=The Universe. The world awakens in Spring. I’m such a damn Persephone that I get really into it. SPRING… FUCK YEAH! Most springs, Nature is the canvas and whatever God or Goddess that drifts into my periphery is the star of the show.

This year? Nature is the star! I’m continuing my Persephone and Hecate work, of course, by focusing on the Lord and Lady in a more general sense has freed my senses up.

The oak trees know something that I don’t, but I’m not in the mood to be overly philosophical. One thing the gods assure me, “You will always have more than enough of what you need.” Ideas, knowledge, and my adventures with the gods are not going anywhere. I have plenty of time to read more. Explore more. Yet for now, I’ve accepted that it’s alright to keep it simple, and enjoy what my path adds to my life instead of letting it consume me.Which it can, depending on what you’re working on…

This is exactly what I asked Amma for. I wanted to balance my MunDanish life with my magickal one.

I have. Right now, my guide says “Be here now, witch”. 🙂

Hecate Shines A Light

Hecate Shines A Light

I’m crying, and I don’t know why.

I should know why. I always know. People don’t always take kindly to this, even though I seldom tell them as much.

I realize when it started

I try to understand where others are coming from, and extend them consideration, kindness, and assistance if I am in a position to provide it.

You never have to ask me. I will anticipate your need, and I will most likely offer, gladly.

But when you can’t extend me some of the same kindness, I’m not going to be nearly as responsive or ready to help. With my family, I’ve been suckered again and again. I don’t suffer fools who are too foolish to learn from their mistakes at least once or twice, family or not. 

I don’t waste sympathy on those who had the means to know better, then chose to ignore the warning signs, reacting out of pride rather than reason, while then having the audacity to whine about it while taking zero personal accountability? Sympathy? Yeah. No. Sympathize my boot meeting your ass.

My clan does a lot of this, on both sides. I’m always working towards better. I can do better, I will do better, and then I figure out how. I admit to my fuckery and failings, and learn from them. I’ll admit when I’m wrong, and where I’ve wronged, and will fight to make it right.

I miss my grandfather. Part of me thinks he’s the only one of them that might have understood. He wasn’t perfect, but he was ethical, reasonable, practical, yet kind. He understood how to act out of pride and humility, without ever risking his integrity. Which he had a lot of. 

I can’t count on my family for anything, and it makes me sad. I’ve had to be more independent because of it. I’m here now because of it. Maybe this is how I’ve come to have integrity as well.

They’re family. I love them anyways, but I’m through investing my emotional well-being in their melodrama and lack of foresight. I’ve died many times over and over on the inside, with little help from them clawing my way out from the grave.

I’m walking with Hecate and Hestia for now. I’ve got a light. Seeing things clearly for what they are is spinefully painful and sharp, like a thumbtack in your pinky toe.

The old woulds bubble up and spill out, and I see them not with fresh eyes but experienced ones.

When you shoot from Maiden, fuck Mother motherfucker, and go straight for the Crone, I guess this is what happens.

I’m so weary, yet alive and on fire. It’s not bad.

In fact, it’s pretty fucking good