C’mon Cowgirl… Bubble-Up

C’mon Cowgirl… Bubble-Up


So… It’s back.

I forgot all about it, and now it’s back. I couldn’t be happier, really.

Just like I forgot what Christmas used to feel like when it truly was magical (and magickal), I’ve also forgotten about what early spring is like for me. April… Right around spring break. Not quite warm, but little chance of snow. Everything is green, wet, and alive. Big Things of What-the-Fuckery often occur this time of year, but this is different.

I went outside for a bit yesterday, in between packing up my closet, smoking, and trying to tear myself away from my comic book project. We’ve had heavy rains in my part of Northern California, and the ground is saturated with green, heavy, muddy, and damp. The seasonal creek that runs through the front yard of our old house was nearly overflowing.

When I was young, my favorite thing to do was put on my wellies and my dad’s old yellow rain slicker, and roam around the ranch dowsing for water. I loved it this time of year, just after a rain.

It used to be my favorite time of year. If there is hope, healing, or promise, it’s coming soon.

Summer is really my jam, dawg.

I’ve been so disconnected from nature living in town. Sure we live in a beautiful, quaint, historic tourist town with the woods practically beating down our back door, but the houses, the fences, the homeless people, the hippies, and the cold makes it tough for me to appreciate it.

Our new house is in a community with no fences or gates, except that which surrounds it. The development was built around the natural landscape, rather than on top of it. The houses are carefully placed as not to disturb the oak trees, rock outcroppings, creek, and deer.

The creek is the same one that runs behind our old house. There is a great place for outdoor rituals that I know of, but there are too many stoner kids hanging about. They certainly don’t need a Stoned Spiritual Surfer to get in their way.

Moving into the house NOW rather than earlier is a good omen. Spring feels like it used to. There is hope and promise.

I am truly excited for the first time in a long time.

This is the right time to make a new beginning.

I’m leaving tons of shit behind, refinding stuff I loved and lost, and I’ve been given a do-over. It’s on me to use it properly.

Still… It’s nice to be here. It was worth the struggle, pain, and difficulty if this is where I’ve ended up.

It smacks of Kwan-Yin, but she’s never smug with the “I told you so”. She told me this was coming. She said to be patient.

Time to Bubble-Up, yo. Bubble-Up!

Cap’n Eris of the Good Ship White Tara! Ahoy Me Lusty WENCHEZ n’ WITCHEZ!

Cap’n Eris of the Good Ship White Tara! Ahoy Me Lusty WENCHEZ n’ WITCHEZ!


White Tara always seems to show up when I listen to this song.

Not sure why that is… Maybe because it’s about a gypsy rover who met his one true love- A king’s daughter who gave up her kingdom to follow him.

I’ve been feeling like I’ve given up all of my power in order to follow such an unorthodox, mystical, perplexing, difficult, and ever-shifting-or-drifting spiritual path.

I’ve been focusing on it a lot lately… The issue and the idea of power. My struggles with power are at the core of my issues. I am very independent, resourceful, self-reliant, bootstrappy, and cheerfully optimistic to a fault. I will do as much as I can by myself for myself because I feel that it’s a measure of my integrity as a person. I don’t want to burden others with my problems, nor do I want to ask for help. Asking for help is not an option for me. Not often. Not usually.

Things have been different since I asked White Tara for help, rather than just going to my little solitary witchbasket of magickal goodies. I’ve pleaded to Kali before to stop, but I’ve never really petitioned a god directly for specific assistance. I’ve never asked my family for much help either, but I’ve had to lately. At work I am always in perfect organizational control, but lately I’ve been scattered with my move. With the move I’ve tried to do everything I can myself without much help, even though I’m not feeling well and I’m still in quite a bit of pain. We’ve had to ask for some help there, and we’re finally getting it.

Our families mutual expressed desire to help, and the actual output of assistance has been a bit off, so it’s also been a source of great frustration for both of us. We’ve both had to put our best foot forward, and our other foot down. “You say you want to help? Here is how you can help… Please quit nagging us about when we’re moving out, just because Grandma Stupid-Facehead is living in your house driving you fucking crazy. That old bitch has been bugging us about it too. Knock it the fuck off already!”

I had to let go of things for this to happen. I was trying to hold on to so much that any power or directional sway I had was vastly diluted. I’m rather sensitive to outside influences, be it sensory, godly, psychically, empathically, or intuitively. Take your pick. I deal with all of these on a damn near daily basis these days.

I’m just sensitive and receptive, but I have to protect what’s mine.

White Tara granted my wish. She’s given me great healing and peace, both within my body but in my home, my job, my overall health, my weight, my sex life, and my relationship to my gods.

It has a beautiful gossamer pink Kwan-Yin cord wrapped around it, so I know it’s the kind of protection that’s born of love not of defensiveness. I protect that which is of most value, and I happen to think that being overly sensitive or receptive is a gift and a curse. It makes cannabis work in extraordinary ways. It’s much more psychoactive for me than it seems to be for most people. It makes my relationship to the gods as it is, as I’d like it to be, more than possible.

A good beating from Kali always reveals something deep within that I’ve buried and need to deal with. Kwan-Yin always shows up shortly therafter for a little TLC and damage control. She helps me forgive, move on, have compassion for whatever motivated the issue at the time, and through White Tara, Green Tara, Shiva/Shakti, or Ganesha I move on. Kali is peeling away my issues and doubts like an onion skin, little by little. It leaves me raw and exposed, like all of my nerves are on fire. It makes the sensitivities much more worse. More heightened.

It explains why I’ve had so much metaphysical action of late. Goddess action. God action. Shakti action. Kali action. Persephone action. Erisian action. Magickal action. Psychic action. Chakra action. Physical action. Health action. Home action. Office action.

Fuck. Kali is the goddess of time and movement. Movement drives Change through Time.

Lights! Camera! Action! I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille!

SO that’s part of why things have been so off-the-fucking-charts-so-hard-it-smarts-like-a-whack-in-the-ass-crack-with-a-baseball-bat-what-do-you-think-about-that!

Lax & Sara are always floating around for me, but they’ve been disconnected from this whole thing. They’ve simply done what they always do. Ganesh has been distant to, but keeps throwing me strong but constant reminders of his presence just the same. He seems to say “I can’t help you with this one for reasons you’ll understand soon enough. But just know I am thinking about you, and I am here.”

Ganesha loves me… What the hell do I need to find Jesus for? Bwahahah!

So this leaves me quite nervy and exposed and wreaks havoc at the same time. Lot’s of heavy. So I’ve let stuff go. My burden has lightened. Things are improving. I am feeling better. I am healing. I am calmer. I am kinder to myself and to others.

It’s the best thing I ever could have done. It was all my choice. I am learning from that. As I am learning to categorize and analyze some of the different types of experiences I’ve described (Sarasvati is your go-to-goddess if you’re a Single 5 Hierophant like me!), I am seeing how I can direct this flow.

A flowing, drifting, liquid spirituality needs a skilled sailor to navigate the current.

I have learned that floating willy-nilly like a damn leaf over the rapids has left me battered. Wounded. Broken. A gaping maw. Sure, I’m healing, but did it all have to be so damn melodramatic?

I have a penchant for melodrama when angry. It’s… kind of ugly. It’s kind of… Erisian.

Going up in my bubble, falling to the ground and landing flat on my face, getting pounded by Kali and Persephone and Eris during a time of great stress and change in my life, and just going with it as if I have no choice?

Bullshit. I have a choice, and I call bullshit.

Laxshmi, Ganesha, and Sarasvati aren’t gods I can control or need to control. They give freely. Kali demands much of her devotees. It’s not something I’d recommend to anyone with a history of gastrointestinal issues. Ugh. Persephone and I just weren’t a good fit any more. Kwan-Yin and The Taras couldn’t full come through until I cleared the path. Nor could Parvati/Durga/Shakti, whom I think might actually be my new patron goddess.

I know, right?

Control? Power? Fuck yeah! Riding a Durga Current? BY TEH POWAAZ Of GAYSKULL!!!! I HAZ IT!

This peace? This healing? This glorious pink and white and deep emrald green love, harmony, peace, wisdom, contentment, and happy shiny goodtimes with pink bubbles and shit? It’s nice. I can maintain it if I choose to. I can choose!

I don’t have to accept that which doesn’t work. None of this “speak your truth” bullshit I keep hearing new agey fucks keep saying. Nope. It’s more “Doesn’t work? BUH-BYE! No… Really… Good day, Sir or Madam! Knock-knock? Who’s there? Please go away, okthxbai! Hmmm… Gonna get nasty with me, Holmes? I’ll cut your cheese you Alabaman brother-schtupping MCPOYLE’in MOTHER FUCKAH!!!!”

To protect the Peace of my home, hearth, health, and spirit… I have Parvati. These things are my stability and my shelter. My space is very important to me, with sacred space in particular. In working with Parvati, my home has been transformed. It is a kind of joy I haven’t exprienced in a long time, and I missed it.

To protect me from the more destructive influences of some of these currents and help maintain that piece I have her aspect Durga. I am also protecting my raw and sensitive nerves through her as well.

To protect my marriage and maintain that which we’ve worked for, I have Shakti. (I’m afraid of having kids or growing old and bored with eacho there. My panic button says “What if it’s not like it is now where the guy I’m in love with also happens to be my very best friend and the one person whom I trust and love enough to not hesitate to ask for help. Him helping me shows me

The trade-off is that I have to cowgirl-up and protect that hard-won peace, love, prosperity, success, creatively stimulating, and healing energy. Things are looking’ sunshinier all the time!

Who loves the Sun?

So it’s better. I have taken control. I have voluntarily let go. I have gained great benefits by doing so.

That’s what this journey, and this lifetime is all about… Progress.

I’m far from perfect, but I’m at a point where I’ve got a leg-up.

I am a surfer, but I’m also the ship’s captain.

Cap’n Eris. Ahoy, Muthafuckahs!

Thank you Kali. Thank you Kwan-Yin. Thank you White Tara. Thank you Green Tara. Thank you Ganesha. Thank you Sarasvati. Thank you Laxshmi, Thank you Parvati/Shakti/DuRRRga…

I am the Queen of Wands… I am a Hierophant. Temperance is my shadow. I am controlling Bad Chaos. I am reigning it in. Walk the plank, bitchez! Tara beams like The Star’s reflection in the water, and it feels right. Kwan-Yin is the reason it’s possible.

I’m finally figuring out my shit, and it feels pretty damn good. So damn good that i think it’s time for a Scooby Snack or something of that ilk.

 

Takin’ It Back with Durga & Friends

Takin’ It Back with Durga & Friends


My latest altar...

Altar Craft is really the best thing I could have ever incorporated into my practice… Ritual, devotion, and design at the same time is something that really works for Eris Q. Hilton, Spiritual Surfer and Casual Mystic.

Reigning things in to one altar has been tough, but I like a challenge.

I’ve noticed a syncretic element to the work that I hadn’t really given it’s due before.

This all goes back to the current theme…

I have choices and I choose which gods I work with. Even amongst my Ensemble of Gods, I have learned to pick and choose. Kali is one of my Big Dogs for good reason, but for me she is touchy with being put on altars. She hates statuary, and would prefer just to do her thing without visual recognition. She is infinite blackness and love at the same time… She doesn’t give a fuck about statues, and would prefer that I didn’t make it a point.

I’ve had transformation up the corn-hole of late, so Madam Special K will be put in ice for this week. She is still part of my altar, but you can’t see her.

I’m still riding out my latest Durga/Parvati current. The little orange pouch you see is my amulet/talisman/medicine bag thingy. I will usually have this with me if I’m doing work or needing protection or help while I am out in the world. The contents change just as often as my altar, but I’ll often recharge it’s energetic batteries by leaving it on my altar over the weekend.

Right now I have pieces of emerald, selenite, strawberry quartz, kyanite, moonstone, lapis, citrine, and obsidian, along with a little icon of someone I’m not so sure about yet. They’re quite small, but part of what I happen to need right now. I have plenty of other groovy little gemstones, so the contents change as I need them. Sometimes I’ll have stuff for magickal workings or offerings in there, but I haven’t been doing much of either lately.

For a long time I’ve been making offerings to Persephone in her Queen of the Underworld aspect at the historic pioneer cemetary up the street from my house. I love non-endowment cemetaries that grow wild and sort of unkempt. They’re lovely to explore, and just walking around and taking pictures is one of my favorite things to do. It’s something that The Magician and I enjoy doing together. The one up the street will no longer be our neighbor after we move, which is in the middle of happening as we speak. It’s a very large cemetary for the area- It’s almost four acres. There are Gold Rush era gravestones mixed in with more recent additions. Many of The Magician’s ancestors are buried there. I usually leave pretty stones, rocks, or other small things scattered randomly around, HAIL ERIS.

We left a gnome up there once… He’s still there. Someone else made a little house for him, and brings him shiny glass stones and rocks too.

I don’t have to make offerings there anymore, not to Persephone.

I am free to scatter my pretty rocks wherever I like.

Why?

Because I’m in control. No more being 100% receptive and riding out the currents as they come.

Nope. I’m CAPTAIN MAKE-IT-HAPPEN! I am too much of a leo to let things happen. Why do that when I do have some power and say in the matter. I let my Ensemble of Gods and their Bevy of Currents get a little bit out of hand for a while there.

No more.

This Durga current has left me empowered and stronger for all of my challenges.

She says “Look, I will help you slay some demons, but I am going to teach you to fight for yourself. They like you because you’re quite responsive. Too responsive. You need to take care of your home, your health, your hearth, and yourself. Just because a Big Current is pulling you adrift, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to listen.”

DuRRRRRga! RAWR!

You said it, Madame Lions-Tigers-And-Bears-Oh-My-Lord-And-Lady!

So, my latest altar is part of helping me take it back.

I’m takin’ it back, son!

Awwwwwwwwww-yeah!

Fuck Calgon. Take Me Away, Lakshmi! ;)

Fuck Calgon. Take Me Away, Lakshmi! ;)


Today was one of the nicest days I’ve had in a long time.

It didn’t start so great… It snowed this morning, and I woke up with a nasty migraine. My migraines are more or less under control these days, but the weather effects me so sharply that I’m at it’s mercy this time of year. March is notoriously terrible for me. The ups and downs of the weather, from warm and springy to damn cold and snowing throws my poor brain into a tizzy.

I finally got up. I brainstormed some ideas for a comic-book project I’ve been asked to contribute to. I’m not as strong an artist as the other contributors, but I’m a naturally gifted storyteller by birth and my cartoon-style drawings can be quite expressive. If anything, I have unique voice amongst the others, particularly being the only woman, so I’m honored to have been asked. It’s going to be a lot of work, but for the first time in a long time a creative project has delighted and excited me.

Delighted and exicited? That’s rollin’ with Lakshmi.

It’s…

I love Spencer Krug. He’s like a goddamn Shaman and I love it.

I wrote a little bit this morning also, just as my headache wore off. It felt good to do some creative work in the wee hours of the morning. I always have my best creative breakthroughs then, while my brain is still shaking off sleep.

I smoked a bowl… Of course! Like, duh! We all know I like to do that on occasion. I brainstormed on my comic some more, and came up with a really fun idea that will actually work. Sure, I’m daunted as hell by the idea of going back to design school style sketching deadlines, but the people involved are so freaking talented that it will be a pleasure working with them.

I did some ritual work with Lakshmi, as that’s where the currents led me. The Active God-Like, sun, strong, vital, lifeforce energy sort of swirls around her in golden and glittery pink sunbursts. It’s like ruby red grapfruit infused with Fuck Yeah Liquid Fucking Sunshine of Love & Abundant Joy and Shit Like That, Yo℠.

That’s the good shit right there, son.

Also did some… hrm… other ritual work of a far more pleasurable nature, but I’m sure you don’t want me to get into the details or anything but…

It’s good to be married to a Magician. I don’t know why, but Chaotes in general strike me as kinky and perverted little fucks. I can’t shake the image in my head of a powerful magician who is also especially fond whacking the wacky weasel for magickal purposes. I’ve met a lot of hot Chaotes.

I’m sort of a chaos magician groupie of sorts.

Marrying one is of a ginormous advantage to me in a lot of ways, and mixing sex with a little bit of ritual can be pretty fun… Especially when you’re not doing it alone. Gettin’ that yab-yum action on isn’t entirely unpleasant, and it’s nice in a lot of ways.

I am a spiritual surfer and a spiritual multitasker.

I get wrapped up in enjoying the subtle but noticeable abundance of all things simple but delightful. Lakshmi makes you appreciate the good in your life, and what gifts you truly are abundant in. Good sex is something I can consistently count on, but when you’re riding Lakshmi current it can really kick things up considerably. My creativity is something that I rely to help me solve problems, yet in a Lakshmi current it goes a more inspired and artistic direction. I feel a sea change within my muses, that signifies a period of stable Good Order with a lovely burst of truly inspired creative work. I produce my very best work under great pressure and duress, making it tough for me to get any quality work done.

Things have to be bad for me to work well. I did some of my best work creatively and artistically during my Leap Year of Great Doomity Darkness eleven years ago. I feel like I am coming home to that through this project, and I feel blessed.

White Tara has granted my wishes. I even felt good today… Ate the right foods, smoked a bit, relaxed a bit, pain levels good, energy levels high and mood slightly elevated due to the smoking. I’ve felt much better this week. I am finding more things I can eat, but I am still eating mostly organic and non-processed whole foods with very little fat content. I’m going easy on the soy and potatoes, which causes me inflammation. I’ve lost about 20 lbs since November, and I feel good. I’ve moved offices at work, and will be much closer to the gym I pay for but seldom ever use.

I evoked Kwan-Yin, White Tara, and Green Tara today. With all of the lustiness and Lakshmi action in my house, a little purification isn’t a terrible thing. I always use Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap in Peppermint and Lavender for purification.

We’re going to eat Indian food tonight, run some boxes out to The House, and maybe watch a movie.

I can only eat a little bit of rice and roti, but it’s all good. At least it’s close to real food. I am starving for something greasy and fatty like sweet and sour chicken or chicken tikka.

Om-nom-nom…

Well… I mean… At least I can eat rice! Rice is delicious! Imma go smoke and make this damn rice taste like a party in my mouth.

A rice party.

It will be epically awesome.

But I am choosing a different path now.

The Magician

 

Spiritual Surfer Rosa

Spiritual Surfer Rosa


I am a spiritual surfer rather than a magpie.

Peruse the currents to ride the right wave?

Fuck yeah, I’m down with that as long as I’m still the one steering the surfboard.

That is because I run with the phoenix. Phoenix is a current I’ve never recognized in myself before. I am pretty tenacious in a calm, zen, almost stoic way when the shit hits the Justin Bieber fan. When you run to catch up with the phoenix, you’re flying high on fire, only to crash, burn, die miserably only to find itself stirring back to life to be reborn again and again from the ashes.

It’s a very independent current, and if anything for the first time I really see much of my grandfather in myself.

He was an exceptionally bright, intelligent, thoughtful, and well-read man, yet also very engaging, personable, witty, and diplomatic. With the opposite sex, he could be a real charmer when he chose to be. A notorious flirt. It used to annoy my grandma, from whom I get my quick wit and sarcasm. He knew how to relate to people very well, and was very calm and direct without dramatics in times of serious trial or stress. He wasn’t an aggressive leader. He had this splendidly subtle way of asserting a very natural and genuine sense of leadership with no ego or showmanship at all. He’d calmly and rationally assert himself, and completely command a room without offending or hurting a soul. Yet the guy was pretty tough in his own right… I know that he went through hell as a kid, and made it a point to give his kids a better life than he had.

He loved me in his own way, and unlike my other grandparents he showed it in a real and genuine way. He taught me how to feed and care for the animals on his farm, and how to dowse- a gift that his family was well known for in their small community.

I am like him in many ways. I get my tenacity and temper from my fathers side, but my calm clear head and command of a situation in a crisis balances it out. I know where I get that from, and I am thankful for it.

Ancestor worship is a new thing for me. I only recently started to incorporate it into my practice. When my Grandma R. passed away, I did a lot of ritual work to mourn her passing. It was the first time I’d lost someone since my path took on a more structured and coherent form, and I am very glad I took that approach.

Lately I’m seeing a lot of little connections between some of my own gifts and curses, and who I get them from.

It feels like an interesting avenue to explore. I’ve decided not to have children because I don’t want to pass on a lot of negative attributes from both sides of the family. I also am far too sensitive to stimuli, being a nervy fucking trainwreck of intuition and intolerances, and I can’t handle the stress.

I am an end of things to a degree, but I feel like wherever I am headed it’s only just beginning.

The time is right to start incorporating my family into my practice. I don’t need children to experience a connection to my ancestors, my past, and my future.

I am grateful that the traits that have made my father’s side of the family so unbearable is somewhat subdued and balanced within me. They have raging tempers, massive personality disorders, chemical imbalances, and just plain fucking craziness. They can be violent and wildly irrational. All of them. Yet they are also very gifted storytellers and artists.

I am thankful to be who I am because of them. When I chose this life, I chose it for it’s challenges and this meat body’s internal resources. I am lucky in a lot of ways. I’ve been through some big stuff, especially lately, yet I keep going.

This last week has been calmer. The gods have been subtle and kind. My health has been a little bit better. Work is somewhat calmer. I’ve felt a gentle but firm hand on my shoulder all the while…

Just keep at it. It won’t be like this forever, so you have to keep on going. You’re bootstrappy like that darlin’, and you’re going to be just fine.

Encouraging, but without sentiment or sugar-coating. Meaningful and simple, and not a platitude as it might be coming from another.

It’s my grandpa. I have been in terrible need of answers and also a soft place to land. Spiritually, I’ve been through so much hell of late that I keep getting to the point where I am over the whole thing. Since cutting off Eris temporarily, and Persephone/Kore for good, I’ve freed myself in some immeasurable way.

Things are calmer and I feel better.

I was thinking not long ago that my gods seem to love me and care for me. I never felt love or devotion in Eris or Persephone. It was purely professional in some way. Same with the Neteru. I struggled to feel that for the Abrahamic God, but I was wracked with guilt over my inability to feel anything. It’s different now. Ganesha is a joy to work with. An absolute joy. Parvati/Durga is the fierce protrectress and hearth goddess I’ve been needing. Yet working with ancestors is different for me…

I didn’t have to wait or work with that current to feel something… Because it was my ancestor, my blood, part of me… The love was already there.

So the current has led me here. Early Spring is my Saraswati season. I always get something new to enhance my practice during this time of year. After doing a massive banishing/purification ritual on the Supermoon(!) and Vernal Equinox, I was hoping I might get some clarity, and it has.

I love you, Grandpa. I wish I could have spent more time with you. You were the only thing close to a normal grandparent I’ll ever know and I am thankful for all you’ve given me.

Wish Fulfilling Wheel Keep on Turnin’, White Tara Keep on Burnin’…

Wish Fulfilling Wheel Keep on Turnin’, White Tara Keep on Burnin’…


This Is Close How I Perceive The Patterns of The Devi Through The White Tara's Aspect-- The Wish Fulfilling wheel

 

 

I’ve been riding a really beautiful White Tara current that picked up where my recently departed Green Tara current left off.
The currents are part of what weaves the many patterns that our lives are built within, on, around, through, over, under, and near us in everything. They are vibrations. They are strings. Some are connections to the divine. That’s all a current is… Choosing to follow it down, instead of continuing to move forward to other possible currents.
I always have a choice, and I ultimately choose the gods that are right for me. Pagans often say “I didn’t choose my gods, they chose me.” That was very true for me at first. I had no control. I felt like a puppet or a vessel, flopping around in chaotic and unknown darkness. Sex helped me channel that terrible emptiness when I had no spiritual connection. I was on or off, but didn’t even know I had a switch. I’ve grown and changed as I’ve gotten older, wiser from experience, and I see that I have some degree of control.
When I broke my head open five years ago last November, I unknowingly put up my OPEN sign.
I have been given word that I’ll find some new healing modality that I’ll really respond to and possibly think about practicing. More blessings that if I keep on writing, it will pay off. I will get to tell some stories, my own or possibly on behalf of someone else. I just need to stick with it. Writing is what works for me. It’s a magick in itself.
Tara’s current is very much a part of this process. I am embrace that. Her clarity, light, and directness is different than Kwan-Yin’s gentle, and more subtle whispers.
The pale moonlight used to purify and sustain me.
Now, White Tara, the Wish Fulfilling Wheel has taken over. The Star and The Wheel are all you need to change your life.

Changing my life for the better doesn’t change the world, but it changes me and how I perceive it. This is good.
I asked to be healed.
And I believe all of my wishes are about to be granted at long last.