Right? Yes.

Right? Yes.

Mr. Hilton and I are in the process of buying our first house. It’s a big thing for us. Possibly the biggest thing we’ve ever done aside from moving from one coast to the other… and back. I never thought we’d be able to do it, especially living in California. It looks like it really is happening, which is exciting, scary, overwhelming, nerve wracking, and awesome all at the same time. We found a great place for a sweet price, and we needed to pounce or else.

I’ve tried reading, but I’m too nervy and the cards show it. I did a bunch of spreads that all seem to jumble together. Most of them were the same cards, and I was struggling so much that I just gave up. It was murky in there, man! I couldn’t see the forest through the fleas!

Repeat offenders? The Fool! It’s good! Death! It’s a transformation, but like the good kind and… Halloweed! I mean Halloween! Okay. I meant weed. 6 of WIN! YAH! Ace of Cups! Ace of Pents! Ace of Wands! 2 of Cups! 7 of Cups! 4 of Cups! The Lovers! The SUN! THE WORLD! JUDGEMENT! 2 of Pents! It’s like a slot machine of everything I want to hear, but I still don’t believe it and I doubt myself. So I ask what my challenges are, and I keep pulling the 5 of Wands. 5 of Swords. 9 of Swords. The Tower… Reversed. And what can I do about it, I ask? 8 of Cups. Temperance.

These are all indicative of an internal struggle. I tend to have anxiety issues with any kind of big decision, either good or bad. I don’t sleep when I’m wrestling with something this big. I feel conflicted. I feel pessimistic. I feel that by being hopeful, I’m just lying to myself. I need to focus on the positive here, in a real way. I need to leave my anxiety behind. I need to rest. It’s sapping my energy. I’ve been awakening at night much like the 9 of Swords, my gut brain howling at me. Buying a house is such a big decision. If we don’t do it now, we may not be able to. It’s the right place to be, and it’s the right time to do it. Every part of me knows that, except the anxiety. Blah. I only get this way on occasion, but I don’t like it. It’s simply not in my character.

I don’t usually read with reversals, but I kept pulling the Tower reversed several times. To me, it seems that a lot of my worry over nothing is just that… nothing. My multiple anxieties and worries over things that haven’t even happened yet is really all for naught. It’s simply not a real thing to worry about. I envision the tower and its inhabitants tumbling to the ground, yet it’s not actually happening. It’s all in my head. As are some of the bullshit stuff I’ve been fixated on.

8 of Cups says… “Leave the bullshit behind, and move forward”. Temperance says “It’s a process… It’s only natural that you’re going to feel some stress and uncomfortable feelings over such a big decision. You must balance it with the good, and go through the process.” So… feel your feelings, but don’t feel the feelings that are bullshit feelings?

No wonder Kali is trying to get my attention. I need to pull my head out of my ass. I have an amazing amount of luck on my side. I’m working with a good team of people. The transaction looks relatively smooth, although it will be scary a first. A big change. Yet it will truly be a new start. Transformation? You bet your sweet Santa Muerte it is! Also, I thought that Death coming up again and again was appropriate for Halloween.

The key to all of it?

I kept getting the Four of Pents too… Hold on to your money! Over and over again. Hold on to your money! I was frustrated by that. I keep thinking that we need more money to make this happen. Maybe it’s more a matter of holding on to what we have, and not being so willing to put it out there. I realized that with one potential house, we’d be getting a hell of a deal. Well below market value, with much lower payments than we’d figured for. The answer is simple… Roll part of the closing costs into the loan! We’ll still be far under the LTV, and the total would still come to much lower than we’d anticipated. It would free up enough cash to get us started. There is painting to do!

If I got all sharpy-pointy mean scary cards, I’d be in trouble. There were simply too many good cards in good spots for me to doubt them too much. Energy wise, I shouldn’t have tried to read. I tried too many decks, and I just couldn’t get a feel. Same cards, no connections. I did figure it out today, I think.

I went to my Ascended Master Oracle and asked…

“Is buying this house, the best and most right decision for us?”

The answer? “Write”. Thoth. Write?

So I flipped over another card.

“Yes.”- Ganesha.

Is it right?

Right? Yes.

Cute. Very cute, guys. The gods do have a sense of humor… It’s just that sometimes they don’t always have very good senses of humor… Cough*YAHWEH*cough*cough.

Thoth was being punny, and if you roll with the Neteru, you know he’s down with the wordplay.

Write. Yes… The term “write” can also be used in a financial transaction. “Writing” basically means that you’re selling a service, and are drawing up a contract of some sort to go with the sale. An idea from one of my exams always sticks in my mind where one is “writing the right to buy”. You’re buying the right to buy at a certain price, essentially. Kind of the same thing as a good faith deposit to sweeten the deal on a real estate purchase agreement, to ensure that they’ll take your first offer instead of trying to squeeze more out of you?

Hold on to your money, but also know when to fold em’, Grasshopper…

I feel pretty good. Nervous and excited, a bit scared, but good.


The Tower reversed… DUH! I’m moving and I’m all overwhelmed by the process. The hand of God(s) picks the tower up, shakes out all the riff-raff, and sets her down nice and gentle-like. Perfect. Got it.

Special K… Ready? OK!

Special K… Ready? OK!

The MunDanish will kill us if we let it.

I say… Don’t.

If you’ve the talent, hoodwink the suckers into submission, and they’ll never know the difference.

I’m having a very MunDanish fall. I need to get back to my roots… literally. My batteries are still in dire need of recharging, and I haven’t the foggiest why.

I had a BIG SPECIAL K SCARE last week. I ended up having a mini-breakdown while applying eyeliner. I’m doing much better now. It was all kinds of intense. SHE is insatiable when she has a point to prove. I can say “Kali” now, but it’s been tough. She scared the giblets out of me last Fall, and gave me an ulcer. Not joking on the latter… I got a peptic ulcer last November, which thankfully healed and has not come back since. It’s a really yucky, awful, draining kind of feeling. I never appreciated how icky one can make you feel. Special K was sending me into purge mode. “OUT with the OLD and in with the NEW… Er…. Hi, Saraswati. You want to take over from here?”. It was terrible and painful. It was the exact point in time where the Egyptian Pantheon bid me farewell, and Eris faded back into the ether.

Nice. It’s taken me a whole year to see what she was doing. I never considered it. My memory is arranged in colorful chronological boxes that don’t always interconnect. I totally missed it. My Special K. Hell Month was a way of clearing the way for the Gods I can truly call my gods. Shedding those old connections was painful, but necessary. I didn’t have a choice in the matter if I wanted to move forward. And forward, I’ve moved…

I never would have been ready to see some things I’ve seen if it hadn’t happened.

Wow. Here I was complaining about MunDanishness and I just had one of *those* moments where you know that the Gods are having a kindly chuckle at your expense.

Certain gods are hinged to certain seasons for me… Yet another pattern of some kind. Kali is late Fall through the New Year. There must be an aspect of Persephone in that… Yet another pattern I hadn’t considered. Or maybe I am taking on her role, and subjecting myself to the dark? I don’t know. My brain needs beer, and cannot process big fancy thoughts. Where was I?

Ah… Yes… MunDanish…

Fuck ’em. They just don’t know how to party like the big kids.

Anyone up for some beer pong?

Tower Power… It’s All In Pieces, Man.

Tower Power… It’s All In Pieces, Man.

It’s recently come to my attention that I’ve been a lazy ass about maintaining this lovely blog.

Life got very complicated over the summer.

My grandma passed away, which brought on some unexpected stresses and lingering sadness.

I started studying for a horrible licensing exam for work… and I failed miserably. I retest in a few months, and will be fine.

Some things have been shuffled around in my office, making me busier. It hasn’t been bad, but it’s left me with much less time.

Mr. Hilton and I decided to buy a house, and are going through all of that lovely bullshit right now. Still looking. Trying to narrow it down.

I dieted and failed. Twice. And then I did it again!

I’ve been quite hurty all over. Bad flair-ups with stupid chronic conditions whose very mention bores me to shreads.

I’m still rollin’ with the Hindu pantheon, with few nods to Anubis, Persephone, Eris, and Tara. I feel like I’ve found my spiritual “home” in them, even though my practice is still quite eclectic. “Do what works, but don’t be a show off” is sort of how things go.

All in all… It’s been the Tower.

I didn’t read for almost two months. Usually I’ll have streaks during the year where I don’t read for three or four months, and that’s actually pretty normal for me. Yet over the last year and a half, I’ve barely taken a break at all. Sure, I still gave my gods a shout out pretty regularly, and a little bit of magick might have occurred, but it’s pretty much been a wasteland. When I need to focus on the Greyface Space, the MunDanish world of procedure and protocal backed with necessary paperwork… My sacred Chaos go fallow and implode on their own weight. It’s cyclical, of course. My mind requires a lot of TLC and THC when needing to be in Greyface mode for so long.

Well… I don’t think that my increased medical cannabis consumption should be at all responsible for my drop off in activity. That’s probably a lie, but it’s a lie I believe. It’s been a rough couple of months, and I find that I don’t enjoy it when I need it more. I’d rather enjoy it and not need it. Still, I often have profound spiritual experiences with the stuff. I can’t breakthrough the veil in any other way… Well… I can, but it’s really not the same. It’s like it automatically takes my consciousness up to a higher level, and it’s simply a clearer connection.

I know it sounds crazy… I’ve made my peace with that. I don’t know why it happens. It’s still disconcerting to me.  I embrace that it is what it is. It’s not a bad thing. I see more than I can explain or understand.

If anything, navigating without tarot, I’ve been presented with a mirror of sorts. I see more now than I used to. I don’t know if I like what I see.

Yet it hasn’t been all bad. Stark realizations about who I am and what makes me tick have been revealed to me. I understand the chaos/order compulsion within myself much better. I understand it well enough to know that I may have a real problem. I have a terrible need for order, yet a strange ability to turn a blind eye to chaos. If that’s not fucked up, then I don’t know what is. I never thought that OCD might be a term that would apply to me in a real way, yet I see now how wrong I was. I’m working through that in my own way. It’s a deeper philosophical problem for me.

Eris, as a goddess whose presence is quite real, is everything that I don’t like about myself while simultaneously being everything I like the most. I’ve said it before… “<Enter name of Goddess Here> is how I’d like to be. Eris is who I really am.” We have an unhealthy relationship, yet… I just can’t seem to get enough. I have to take the good with the bad if I want to roll with the homies in the Kallistimobile. Yet there is something that I can do to bring them together.

I know for a fact that none of these breakthroughs would have happened without time, tarot, writing, and Sour Diesel.

Shall I read on this? No. Not today.

I don’t want to turn my back on something that is really good for me. I want to keep seeing whatever it is that They want to show me.

The good part of all this? I feel a kind of peace. I don’t need to search so hard to find the answers. They truly are right here. Because I’ve found a pantheon that I connect with, the work is more worthwhile. I’m picking up books to enjoy them, not so much to unravel them. I am sated in a way. I’d like to do more magick, but some part of me just doesn’t need to.

There is always good with the bad, and I’ll take whatever They will give me.