Shhhh… I’m hibernating.

Interestingly enough, my connection with the gods is increasingly amplified when my pain levels are their highest.

Seriously… the worse the pain, the more powerful the connection and the experiences that go with it.

In all honesty, I’ve had enough of those moments for the time being. I am closing the gates, temporarily. The more open my pain gates, the more open my spiritual gates are. Took me a while to figure that out. I’m in pain most days. Most of the time. I manage to have long strings of good days, and I consider things to be uncomfortable yet manageable. It’s about the best I can hope for anymore. I’m not going to accept that, and I don’t. The pain pulls me in terrible directions. Bad Chaos is always triggered by the acutest pain. I get depressed and despondent if it’s too bad for long. A flare-up isn’t the same as my every day. My ribs slip and pop out of place, often staying that way, twisted and gnarled. They try to fix themselves, popping, grinding, turning, slipping… then they get stuck. Sort of like when you crack your knuckles and one gets caught for a moment? It stays at that moment for days. I feel pressure and pulling and tension well deep underneath my shoulder blade pushing on my twisted ribs, as if it’s trying to force them back in place. The more these things happen, the more pain I feel. The inflammation gets so bad that nothing moves. I can’t lift, write, drive, sit, read, stand, or do anything without pain. My left side becomes tired and sore. My neck starts to throb and spasm due to all of the strain. My ribs, depending on how many are out, grow tender, sore, and painful to the touch. Emotionally, I become a wreck. I can’t sleep. I don’t dream. The only pain medication I can get is cannabis. I’ve been sent to many doctors. I’ve done every therapy. Do they think I’m making this shit up to get pain meds? No one thinks I need them.

But what can I do? I don’t like the idea of taking pain pills. I felt myself slipping closer and closer to what I’d consider a problem about a year ago. Tramadol is like Pure and Beautiful Erisian Good Chaos in pill form. I love the stuff. I found that I needed more and more to get any pain relief. I’m not comfortable with that. I haven’t had any pain medicine other than weed for about a year.

My pain levels have been more challenging without taking pain pills everyday, but on the whole they’ve been more manageable due to some of the other benefits I seem to acquire from the habit. The problem I’ve noticed is that the most intense spiritual experiences I have directly correlate with using cannabis during one of my more painful flare-ups. The more pain I’m in, the better it works… as and entheogen.

I appreciate the larger moments. This week has been… Wow. I need less pain so I can function. I do have a MunDanish life to tend to. I can’t do that when I’m either in unbearable pain or unbearable enlightenment. I’ve hit my limit of what I can do, at least for right now. I feel like I’ve gone through my own mini Kali Yuga.

Gods… I’m asking you for some healthy rest. I need it emotionally and physically. 4 of Swords. I have a lot of 3 of Cups to enjoy this month.

Up until three years ago, I was actually doing very well. My pain levels were manageable enough and my flare-ups weren’t too often or difficult. I had a big of a “get up off your lazy ass” spiritual wake-up call. I had the worst flare-up I’d had in a long time, and things got really bad. I had to go back through physical therapy. The next few years have been really up and down, but I’m in worse shape than I was before. Spiritually, I’ve had some amazing experiences and breakthroughs. I feel as if my whole path has been somehow illuminated. I feel good about where I’m at.

I think I need a break. I see that I have a choice here. Dull the connection for a bit, and experience less pain. Just for a while. I’ve had a lot of bad these last few months, and it’s all just a little bit too much.

I need to figure something out treatment wise. I know there is something else out there that I haven’t tried.

I need focus to do that. I want to enjoy the pain relief and mood elevating benefits of cannabis without feeling overwhelmed by the experience. It takes a lot for me to kick depression in the ass. I see myself heading back down that road if I keep continuing to be in so much pain. In the spirit of the ever practical Q of Pents that keeps showing up for me lately… it’s a wise and rational choice.

I will work with what i have, not look for more. Just for a while. Just for right now.

All these dudes with mustaches in Movember must be triggering my annual Kali Month. Fuckers. Don’t they know that Eugene Hutz is the only man with the cojones to flaunt such glorious facial hair?

I’m hibernating. Just for now. Tarot… yes. My usual everyday practices… yes. Anything beyond that? No.

There is a Queen of Pentacles In My Pocket & Laxshmi Is Happy To See Me

The Queen of Pentacles from the Piatnik-Wein tarot.

The lovely Queen of Pentacles keeps popping up for me recently…

Like this… and also this…

I’ve always dismissed her as representing some sort of pragmatically cheerful and resourceful Hippie Earth Mama type. She makes organic quinoa with curry and local vegetables for dinner, followed by over-priced organic ice cream from a small local creamery. Is she smug about it? No. Surprisingly not. She won’t judge you for stuffing your gullet with Taco Bell before you come over. No, she’ll offer you a seat at the table and a glass of homemade iced herbal tea with fresh lemon. There is plenty of quinoa, if you want it or not. She’s a gracious and inviting hostess without being fussy or formal. Her house is cheerful, clean, bright, with whimsical touches, and creative ways to organize and use the space. She’ll admit to having some Circus Animal cookies hidden at the back of the pantry… She tries to eat as close to the earth as she can, but is practical enough to know that it’s okay to indulge those little vices every once in a while. She is a complement to the King of Pents who often loses sight of the little things she does to improve the quality of their lives. She’s not showy about it… It’s a labor of love for her.

She is a nurturer and a distributor of wealth and prosperity. The gold doesn’t come from her… She transforms the gold into a lasting legacy, wasting nothing, and helping to create future abundance. She is wise and practical, yet very kind.

Laxshmi is an important goddess for me in general, but I usually feel a stronger connection in the summer time.

She seems to hover around this card for me in a way I can’t shake. I’ve not focused on her as strongly as I have Saraswati. I needed Saraswati, goddess of knowledge, art, music, and education to fully break open my head. That’s been done for a while. I can reach the places I need to go in travels due in part to her influence. Music, reading, art, and attaining more knowledge are all significant spiritual triggers for me. It didn’t work that way for me before. She’s still important, but I feel that I’ve ignored Laxshmi except for the times that I really wanted or needed something.

9 of Pents from the Halloween Tarot

With all the big stuff that is happening in my life right now, maybe focusing on prosperity and abundance is a part of it all. With looking for a new house and working with some new spiritual ammunition, I feel like some really good stuff is starting to flower. The Queen of Pents and her approach is the right way to handle everything coming at me at once…

The 9 of Pents is a card that I pull often. She represents me at my very best.

Laxshmi has an earthly connection to wealth, just as the Queen of Pents does. My goals are more about wealth, but not necessarily just finances (although I believe that’s a part of it). I am spiritually wealthy, in that I have a great deal of support and growth to tap into. Despite my moment of severe Hermitude, I realize that internally I am lucky to have built the resources I have. It didn’t happen overnight. I am wealthy in opportunity. Work is going well. I am wealthy in love. I am wealthy in family. I know there will be set-backs, but instead of self-sabotage I need to look at what I do have.

Laxshmi is a good support for this. She provides the opportunities for wealth, abundance, and prosperity. It’s up to the Queen of Pents to nurture it, grow it, and build it into something tangible. She is all about tangible.

That is good advice for me spiritually and MunDanishly.

I thought that this November wouldn’t be my Kali month, like it was last year…

I was wrong on all accounts. It was SOOOOOOOO a Kali Month, even though I made it a point to put Ganesha front and center.

This time it was mostly anxiety that came out over the stress of house-buying. Anxiety is my ultimate Bad Chaos. I feel like it was necessary to sink as low as I could go, in order to move up and forward. Kali can’t always protect us from darkness, because as a mother she knows that we need a bit of chaos in order to truly change. She has a job to do, and wouldn’t be able to do it if she projected an image of love or nurturing to us. She loves us so much that she makes sure to protect us as much as she can. She is the Dark Mother, nurturing us in invisible ways that we can’t see.

I made it through. Apparently Laxshmi is the one whose attention I have now. Given the circumstances, this is good.

It seems like the gods that are asking for my focus at whatever time seem to be the ones I need the most.

Based on my birthday, the Queen of Wands is my significator. Based on observation, my Q of W side is tempered by my Q of P side…. When my cuppy side doesn’t fuck things up. So- I am entering a time where Order is important, but it brings an abundance of enough new good things to make it Good Order. To keep it that way, I need to overcome Bad Chaos calmly and rationally as only the Q of P can, but I can let a little bit of the Good Chaos in. It’s pretty relative, actually.

And… The Queen of Pents is also a good lady to have show up when you’re in the middle of moving and/or fixing up a house.

Pink and gold and sparkles? Maha Laxshmi is pretty fabulous.

My cards always run literal and spiritual. Alright- Lady of Prosperity… Message received. I’ll put my Q of Pents Pants on, and give you your due. I think I am happiest in Good Order with just enough Good Chaos to keep me entertained.

I knew there was something about that Queen of Pents that was important, but I had to write on it a bit to see it. In looking for a house, I know one thing… The Queen of Pents needs to approve of the kitchen. If it’s not cheerful and bright, or updated and contemporary… No dice, Holmes!

The Hermit Leaves The Cave with Temperance’s Apprentice

I never would have gotten any of this in therapy… I believe that therapy is essential for some, but I’ve never done well with it. I’m a tough pair of nuts to crack. I have balls of steel! Yet going through a spiritual journey, careful study, mysticism, shamanic work, connections with the right gods (for me), Tarot, and access to a nice selection of top-shelf Sativa has essentially accomplished for me what anti-depressants and cognitive-behavioral therapy have not. I’d not advocate that for everyone, or anyone really. My needs were simply not met by conventional methods of therapy because I needed some type of spiritual component or connection. It just took me a while to really find it. So… Please don’t think I’d encourage anyone eschew traditional mental health providers and their methods in lieu of walking around in Crazy Electric Shaman Cat Lady Land. It’s just happened to work out that way for me.

I’m sort of tired of being alone with my eclectic philosophuckery.

I remember a period of time where I ached for some sort of community, never found it, and soldiered on by myself.

You can figure out a lot of shit if you choose the path of the Hermit.

It’s been good for me. I’m grateful that I stuck with it for as long as I have.

But I’m kind of tired of it. My local Pagan community tries my patience… I’m not personally interested in Wicca as a spiritual path, so other than Tarot, I don’t find that we have much in common. I feel like I am coming from a different place, with a different set of sensibilities. I feel annoyed with the “fluffy bunnies”, and put-off by the opposite end of the spectrum whose many years of experience have left them jaded and wary of anyone who re-interprets their tried and true rules.

I don’t think the rules really matter as much for me. The Erisian in me prefers to keep things fluid.

Some part of me thinks that it’s always just going to be me, my gods, my bong, and a blank page waiting to be filled up with words.

I was too honest a few days back. I was also blazed out of my skull (hence my careful consideration of which Beatle would be good in bed. Really? Really? Hail Eris.). I’m not even remotely highThe at this moment, even though physically the pain is really bad today. I want my head to be clear for right now.

It was a small breakthrough for me, though. I’ve deliberated taking it all down. It feels strange and foreign to be so exposed. Yet it feels strangely empty, since I know I could have just as easily kept it all to myself.

I thought that really putting it out there into the great cosmic void of the Universe was the best way to move forward.

A part of me regrets that now. The void seems much bigger. More vast. I feel more alone in my journey than I did before.

This is neither chaos nor order.

I don’t know how to build the connections I want without risking the very fragile balance between the two.

The histrionic part of my personality that I don’t like very much seems to crave recognition for all of this recent change…

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Time to read, I think… I’m going for Tarot Nusantara. It’s no-nonsense, no-bullshit approach is exactly what I need.

So… Spiritually, I am at an impasse of sorts. Given where I’ve come from, where do I go from here?

Past- 6 of Pents

I definitely feel like the past few years have been all about amassing knowledge, and learning to put it into practice. I’ve learned who my gods are, after much study and exploration. I’ve learned much from them… especially in the last year. It’s like many years of careful study, exploration, experimentation, and experiences have finally come together. I never really made offerings to the gods until a few years ago. The 6 of Pents seems to note a symbiotic relationship. I give to the gods, and I certainly can attest to receiving. Knowledge, insight, understanding, and enlightenment have been what they’ve given me. It was worth all of the work.

Present- The Fool

I am essentially starting from a new point. I know why I keep doing the same self-destructive things over and over again. I see my pattern manifesting in my life, over and over again. Knowledge is power, I suppose. I am not doing anything terribly different, but my perspective has shifted dramatically. I feel like I am moving forward in a very healthy and nurturing sort of way. I know that Temperance is a real possibility for me, as long as I keep my eyes open and am more aware of my behaviors and habits. It’s amazing how much this conflict is a part of me. Seeing it, I believe, has allowed me the freedom to move in a new direction. It’s not my gods, my practices, or my philosophies that are different. It’s that I am finding them useful in a new way. It’s that I believe there is a lot of broken junk on the inside that I might have the chance to heal. I feel good about it. I am ready. I don’t have all the answers… What Fool does? But I have the resources I need. Spiritually, I feel comfortable. Home. The rest of me is starting to follow suit. Example… Chaos vs. Order rings a bell when you have a repeated cycle of Extreme Dieting vs Guilt Binge eating issue. Chaos vs. Order chimes in when you are a perfectionist who often buckles and crushes under the weight of your own high self-expectations. I see it now. But what do I do with it?

Future- 3 of Cups

Basically, simply… I won’t always have to go it alone. It’s just temporary. Something is coming up that will give me that sense of community I need, without taking away from my own sort of rocky independent path. It will enhance, but not overwhelm. That is exactly what I want and need. I’m sort of over myself, really.

Course of Action– The Chariot/Queen of Pents

Ah… Chariot wheels, don’t let me down! I have to keep moving forward to seek out that sense of community. It’s on me to forge ahead. The Chariot doesn’t dick around. No time for sight-seeing! Time to hit the highway! MOOOOOOOOVE YOUR ASS! It’s a course of action that truly and literally means what it means… ACTION. Yet I must also be a bit pragmatic about it. The Queen of Pents is a good lady to see here. I have all the resources I need for the journey. I’ve planned carefully, and packed my bags with great care and deliberation. I am rich in many things that will serve me well on my way. I am at a turning point, but it’s far from over. I just feel like more is possible, but I feel smarter about it. More grounded. The Q of P concurs! I also see this as having some winter/nature connection. Pents are always winter to me. Resources are fewer, but if you plan well ahead of time, you can whether the rigors of Winter. There is a kind of warmth and joy that comes from the holidays that makes me think that it’s simply a way to take our minds off of the harsh weather. The Q of P would be the type to have planned it all to a T. So… I am not making this leg of the journey as The Fool, but rather a smart, capable, lady who has done her homework.

The Q of P checks the weather report before boarding the Chariot. She has a first-aid kid, batteries, flashlights, road flares, and extra blankets. She’s thrown in a Sudoku book, dark chocolate, a nice bottle of single malt Scotch, just in case. She can’t prepare for what lies ahead, but she’s smart enough to know what is needed to ensure the journey is as comfortable as it can be.

Where I’m Headed- 2 of Pents.

Temperance’s Apprentice, essentially. Sure, the flow isn’t as liquid or steady, but the balance and the movement is there. It’s not Mastery, but it is the right step in the right direction for now.

This is good.

Namaste Partay over here!

The Path to Temperance Part 2

I was a really sensitive kid. It made me a walking target amongst the bullies at school, and in my family. In trying to keep Order and fit in, I ended up being very repressed. Depressed was normal for me. I needed to get through it, because I had a sense that things would get better, but that I just had to be patient. I was quiet. I felt like I hid my personality so much that I almost didn’t have one. Every time I’d have a brief moment where I’d come out of my shell a bit, the same thing would always happen… My hopes would be dashed by some unkind word or criticism, and I’d end up being terribly wounded and hurt. It always happened and I was always crushed. This happened for a long time… Until I discovered that I had balls.
My balls are made of chaos!
I met a boy in college who actually broke through the shell a bit. It ended rather abruptly and it kind of fucked my shit up for a while. That whole curse thing? Same dude. It was good for me though too… The terrible depression that rendered me almost helpless on some days when paired with the best, brightest, most fun days of my life? My early twenties were good in that way. Stars powered on Chaos burn much brighter, but they also fade faster. Being overly social in a time of Chaos meant a lot of drinking and a lot of stupid mistakes. It also meant that I was on fire creatively. The ideas are mad-crazy, yet perfectly conceivable. I did my most edgy design work while in a Chaos state, although my most beautiful work was in a state of Order. Chaos powered me through my first year of design school, which had it’s good and bad. Exception work… when I bothered to turn it in on time. Craft? What’s craft? Ignore that mustard stain. Don’t you see the idea here?
I embraced Order again when I left school and moved all the way across the country to live with the dude I married. His path is neither Chaos nor Order. It is Light vs Darkness. He doesn’t see his light, but he should. It’s quite rare. That’s part of why I love him as much as I do. I knew what I was giving up by following him, but it was worth it.
When I went back to school, Chaos came back, yet Order stuck around. I had it all together, yet I was also creatively stimulated. At the same time! I excelled in my classes. My craft improved. I got into the school’s annual design show both years. Before, it was a pipe dream. I was writing more too… Some of my best work was during this time. Things seemed more hopeful and positive. Optimistic, even. That is how I am in a state of Temperance. Sure, we had money problems back then and life wasn’t perfect, but it was really lovely time for me. I’d never known that perfect a balance of happiness and creative satisfaction.
Apparently, I’m just not creative without the potential for a little madness.
Good Chaos- Creative. Bad Chaos- Madness.
Order came back after what might have been the best week of my life was darkened by a tragedy. That week I had two job interviews… One in finance (order!), one in design (chaos!). A design team I worked on had won a huge design competition, and would see our entire system implemented on the campus. We were pitching to the president of the university that week. I had a few pieces in the big design show. I’d finished my portfolio. I was graduating.
A week before I graduated, we found out that my brother was severely injured in Iraq. All that week, we waited and waited, hoping to hear some news. He wasn’t responsive, and they weren’t sure that he would live.
I felt horrible to try to enjoy that week, all the while knowing that my brother might be gone.
Chaos left. I chose the finance job.
So… I’ve been stuck on Order ever since.
Since, I’ve manifested Order in everything… while Chaos keeps cropping up in small ways. It’s still here. I feel as if it may try to come back. I see it for what it is. I can suppress it with antidepressants, but that is worse than Order. I can embrace it and ride a tidal wave of fuckery from here to the Indian Ocean. Chaos always brings the most intense spiritual experiences too.
Hail Eris.
I have embraced being a Hierophant. Mastery over Chaos and Order, emotion and control is something I am learning. I have the knowledge… The Hierophant. I know there is a source… The Star. The Moon is my path to get to the source. The High Priestess is the knowledge that Hierophant hasn’t unlocked or figured out yet. She is the Mysteries.
So I don’t have all the answers yet. I just see the patterns. I am learning to live more comfortably within order while being more forgiving of the short bursts of chaos. It’s more of a compromise than a true balance, but I am working on it.
Any time I self-sabotage, I am simply exerting control over the chaos. The good will surely end with bad, so I’ll just get the job done myself. I am a mad bootstrappy self-saboteur a can-do attitude!
I need to learn how to exert control gently. Strength is also part of the journey towards TEMPERANCE! WHOOOO!
Patterns. Okay.
I resolve to do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do. Temperance means that much more is possible, and I’ve merely skimmed the surface.
Thank you.

I’m not sure if anyone even reads this drivel, but if they do… Thank you for bearing with me. I had a lot to unravel there, and I had to uncoil the whole strand. That’s the only way to see how much thread you’re working with. It’s a process. Feeling like I got a little bit too self-absorbed there for like… the whole thing.

The Path to Temperance Part 1

I don’t believe in God. I believe in gods.

When determining which Beatle would be the best in bed, I concluded that George was the obvious answer. Ringo would jackhammer away like a goofy idiot. Wham bam… Uh… Okay. Thanks… I think?  Paul would probably be rather sweet and sort of lovey but seriously Mr. Vanilla. He’d be a bit more romantic, than the others. I don’t like romance. It’s an empty version of what love actually is. He’s a bit too much of an idealist to get down and decidedly dirty. John would be rather good, being a bit artistic and all. He’d have a big ego about it though. “You like that baby? I’m more popular than Jesus! Say it, Bitch!” Well… maybe not that bad. You can tell he’d probably be a total dick like half the time. I don’t need that much dick… really now! George would probably be the most interesting and deep. It would probably be a little bit spiritual, or at least have enough low lighting and enough good weed to make it seem like it is. So… George would be my obvious choice.

Hail Eris!

I am in a rare moment of Temperance, shifting from right to left, keeping the balance and harmony between chaos and order. I haven’t mastered it though. The Hierophant has the knowledge to balance the two, but lacks the ablilty. The Star has the ability, but lacks the knowledge. Temperance is really the two coming together. As Temperance plunges through the waters, straddling the river with her cups lined up to keep the waters ever moving. Perfect rhythmic mobius strip of water flowing around and around with no source, no beginning, and no end. I am learning about how chaos vs. order is really the pattern of this lifetime for me. I’ve known other patterns, I think. Creation vs. Destruction must has been the pattern for the last one. Can I grab you a cold one, Kali Ma? (She says “no thank you, I do not like beer.”) Simply put, almost every conflict in my life stems from this weird chaos vs order type of push-pull. I am either completely one, or completely the other. I don’t know how to fully embrace chaos without forsaking order. I cannot live will complete order, as I feel depressed and numb without some aspect of chaos. I don’t know how to embrace the best parts of chaos while still staying harmoniously close to order. This is why as a single 5, Temperance is my Shadow Card. She is Mastery over Chaos and Order.  The Star is not so much about Chaos as it is about freedom. She is natural, free, and without restraint. It is Chaos in an innocent form. It is the hope that Chaos brings when it shatters the more restrictive sides of Order.

I am at my best and most creative while in a Chaos state. For me, Chaos is all about emotion and how intensely I experience them. When I felt joy, I felt it truly and deeply. When I felt peace, I had a strong sense of it. When I felt anger, it was terrible. Any emotional stuff is way to intense for me. But Order solved all that for a while. Order is control over emotion. Emotion vs Control. Control and Order are essentially the same thing. As a kid, I learned to suppress my feelings as much as possible. I almost forgot I had a voice. I felt detached and empty. I wasn’t being myself, but I needed to protect myself. When the hurt hurts more the joy just isn’t enough. When in Order mode, I am easy going, calm, diplomatic, cheerful, professional, and affable. Polite? Absolutely. In control over every little thing? Every little detail? Organized, color-coded, with all of the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed with a pretty little flourish? Oh… no… that one’s not perfect. We’re going to have to re-do it. Deep moments of depression and ennui where it just doesn’t feel right, and something is missing, but you don’t know what?

Or… there’s always Chaos… Sleeping in to late because we stayed up all night trying to assemble the ULTIMATE 80’s Roadtrip Playlist? Becoming disorganized and lazy? Having wild, mad bursts of creative energy and out-put? The hits keep comin’ and comin’… I am at my best and funniest personality wise, while in chaos. I’m more charismatic. I’m happier. I’m chattier. Life is more enjoyable. I feel better. I sense the gods differently. I feel elevated and alive… It really is a creative and social high. It’s the best I can ever hope for. I feel like I am truly myself in that part of Chaos. But it doesn’t last. I experience great stress from my more lax attitude. Forgetting appointments and deadlines? Settling for “good enough” when you know that “exceptional” is your usual standard. You  forget to pay bills, misplace paperwork, and are generally tired from all of that creative output. And your house is probably a mess from not cleaning up after all that glorious creative out-put. You don’t seem to notice, which is unlinke you. You crash harder. You anger quicker. You end up on the edge of an emotional breakdown, because it’s just all too much. The good is so good, but the bad is just so bad. Every emotion is wrung dry, every drop making you thirstier than the last. You eventually break down. You crash. Order manifests in some way, and takes over…

I can’t experience much joy, because I always know it’s not going to last. Chaos at it’s best isn’t possible without Chaos at it’s most destructive. Order isn’t it’s best without Chaos to keep it in balance. Not much is needed- Just a little bit.

I don’t know how to completely embrace my fairly intense emotions without keeping some of the Order I need to stay in balance. I am always off balance. I am either pure Chaos or pure Order. I see this in many parts of my life. The two duke it out. I have embraced the Hierophant by realizing this. I see it. I see how it works. It is a pattern.

It’s my pattern for this life. Bringing Chaos and Order into a harmonious balance. Temperance.

Gods Help Those Who Help Themselves Get Over Themselves

I am still immersed in MunDanishness…. Ugh… House-buying is going, but it is not going well. I feel like we’ve exhausted many of our options, and what’s left over is quite simply put- depressing as fuck. I can take a little bit of cosmetic TLC. Hell… At this point, I’m even game to gut a buttfuckugly kitchen and IKEA it up right, if the place is in the right location. For a buyer’s market, I certainly didn’t think it would be this hard. It’s taken over my life, and I am not enjoying it in any way. Another offer fell through, and I suppose I was naive enough to think it might work. I’ve neared tears while looking at listings, when I see what we’re reduced to… It’s ugly. I’m almost ready just to give up, and we’ve barely started looking. I guess I’ll have to lower my standards of a cute house with a bit of character and potential, and downgrade to a California MiniMcMansion Foreclosure monstrosity, where the house is almost too big for the lot. I don’t want my lawn to look like a landing strip (not the kind that planes land on…). Give me full bushes! Bwaahahahahahh!

I am obsessing over it, but I don’t feel as if I ever get a break. I feel this horrible energy coming from many of these homes, as if they were left in shoddy shape, rotted and unloved for a reason. Foreclosures make me feel terrible. Someone else has to lose a dream for mine to come true? Karmically, I don’t know if I’m okay with that. So… We read. I don’t know what else to do. I’d like to eat some chocolate, drink some wine, and set an appointment with Sir Bubba of Kush, but… I’m going to read instead. No spread- Just ask-n-flip. I tend to drill down to the heart of the matter better that way. World Spirit is the deck for the job…

Places. Spaces. Poly-Anna-Theism.

Magick isn’t rocket science…

It’s rocket art.

You can’t always change things, but you can try. Sometimes you learn more from the process of doing so, despite the outcome. In this case, I made the initial process of house buying flawlessly easy… The deal was AMAZING, and everything we wanted fell perfectly into place. I Pushed. I’ve never really Pushed that hard before. It worked to a point, which was quite gratifying. It’s nice to see near-instant results with magickal work. It’s also not as nice to ignore the appearance of Death and the Tower in regards to a particular property I loved. I ignored the facts. The cards presented them over, and over again in a myriad of ways. I didn’t want to have my shiny, lovely, happy bubble burst in an unfortunate meeting with the sharp end of the Swords. Fuckers. My readings were spot-on with what happened, I was just too caught up in the Erisian Merriment of Forethought & Design Planning to pay attention. I am highly visual and spatial. I already had the space mapped out in my mind, with the paint colors all picked out. Say what you will about my taste levels, but my vision? My mind’s-eye is a bit stronger than that of the average bear. I let myself look too far forward at the possibilities, so much so that I ignored the warning signs…