Interestingly enough, my connection with the gods is increasingly amplified when my pain levels are their highest.
Seriously… the worse the pain, the more powerful the connection and the experiences that go with it.
In all honesty, I’ve had enough of those moments for the time being. I am closing the gates, temporarily. The more open my pain gates, the more open my spiritual gates are. Took me a while to figure that out. I’m in pain most days. Most of the time. I manage to have long strings of good days, and I consider things to be uncomfortable yet manageable. It’s about the best I can hope for anymore. I’m not going to accept that, and I don’t. The pain pulls me in terrible directions. Bad Chaos is always triggered by the acutest pain. I get depressed and despondent if it’s too bad for long. A flare-up isn’t the same as my every day. My ribs slip and pop out of place, often staying that way, twisted and gnarled. They try to fix themselves, popping, grinding, turning, slipping… then they get stuck. Sort of like when you crack your knuckles and one gets caught for a moment? It stays at that moment for days. I feel pressure and pulling and tension well deep underneath my shoulder blade pushing on my twisted ribs, as if it’s trying to force them back in place. The more these things happen, the more pain I feel. The inflammation gets so bad that nothing moves. I can’t lift, write, drive, sit, read, stand, or do anything without pain. My left side becomes tired and sore. My neck starts to throb and spasm due to all of the strain. My ribs, depending on how many are out, grow tender, sore, and painful to the touch. Emotionally, I become a wreck. I can’t sleep. I don’t dream. The only pain medication I can get is cannabis. I’ve been sent to many doctors. I’ve done every therapy. Do they think I’m making this shit up to get pain meds? No one thinks I need them.
But what can I do? I don’t like the idea of taking pain pills. I felt myself slipping closer and closer to what I’d consider a problem about a year ago. Tramadol is like Pure and Beautiful Erisian Good Chaos in pill form. I love the stuff. I found that I needed more and more to get any pain relief. I’m not comfortable with that. I haven’t had any pain medicine other than weed for about a year.
My pain levels have been more challenging without taking pain pills everyday, but on the whole they’ve been more manageable due to some of the other benefits I seem to acquire from the habit. The problem I’ve noticed is that the most intense spiritual experiences I have directly correlate with using cannabis during one of my more painful flare-ups. The more pain I’m in, the better it works… as and entheogen.
I appreciate the larger moments. This week has been… Wow. I need less pain so I can function. I do have a MunDanish life to tend to. I can’t do that when I’m either in unbearable pain or unbearable enlightenment. I’ve hit my limit of what I can do, at least for right now. I feel like I’ve gone through my own mini Kali Yuga.
Gods… I’m asking you for some healthy rest. I need it emotionally and physically. 4 of Swords. I have a lot of 3 of Cups to enjoy this month.
Up until three years ago, I was actually doing very well. My pain levels were manageable enough and my flare-ups weren’t too often or difficult. I had a big of a “get up off your lazy ass” spiritual wake-up call. I had the worst flare-up I’d had in a long time, and things got really bad. I had to go back through physical therapy. The next few years have been really up and down, but I’m in worse shape than I was before. Spiritually, I’ve had some amazing experiences and breakthroughs. I feel as if my whole path has been somehow illuminated. I feel good about where I’m at.
I think I need a break. I see that I have a choice here. Dull the connection for a bit, and experience less pain. Just for a while. I’ve had a lot of bad these last few months, and it’s all just a little bit too much.
I need to figure something out treatment wise. I know there is something else out there that I haven’t tried.
I need focus to do that. I want to enjoy the pain relief and mood elevating benefits of cannabis without feeling overwhelmed by the experience. It takes a lot for me to kick depression in the ass. I see myself heading back down that road if I keep continuing to be in so much pain. In the spirit of the ever practical Q of Pents that keeps showing up for me lately… it’s a wise and rational choice.
I will work with what i have, not look for more. Just for a while. Just for right now.
All these dudes with mustaches in Movember must be triggering my annual Kali Month. Fuckers. Don’t they know that Eugene Hutz is the only man with the cojones to flaunt such glorious facial hair?
I’m hibernating. Just for now. Tarot… yes. My usual everyday practices… yes. Anything beyond that? No.