I was a really sensitive kid. It made me a walking target amongst the bullies at school, and in my family. In trying to keep Order and fit in, I ended up being very repressed. Depressed was normal for me. I needed to get through it, because I had a sense that things would get better, but that I just had to be patient. I was quiet. I felt like I hid my personality so much that I almost didn’t have one. Every time I’d have a brief moment where I’d come out of my shell a bit, the same thing would always happen… My hopes would be dashed by some unkind word or criticism, and I’d end up being terribly wounded and hurt. It always happened and I was always crushed. This happened for a long time… Until I discovered that I had balls.
My balls are made of chaos!
I met a boy in college who actually broke through the shell a bit. It ended rather abruptly and it kind of fucked my shit up for a while. That whole curse thing? Same dude. It was good for me though too… The terrible depression that rendered me almost helpless on some days when paired with the best, brightest, most fun days of my life? My early twenties were good in that way. Stars powered on Chaos burn much brighter, but they also fade faster. Being overly social in a time of Chaos meant a lot of drinking and a lot of stupid mistakes. It also meant that I was on fire creatively. The ideas are mad-crazy, yet perfectly conceivable. I did my most edgy design work while in a Chaos state, although my most beautiful work was in a state of Order. Chaos powered me through my first year of design school, which had it’s good and bad. Exception work… when I bothered to turn it in on time. Craft? What’s craft? Ignore that mustard stain. Don’t you see the idea here?
I embraced Order again when I left school and moved all the way across the country to live with the dude I married. His path is neither Chaos nor Order. It is Light vs Darkness. He doesn’t see his light, but he should. It’s quite rare. That’s part of why I love him as much as I do. I knew what I was giving up by following him, but it was worth it.
When I went back to school, Chaos came back, yet Order stuck around. I had it all together, yet I was also creatively stimulated. At the same time! I excelled in my classes. My craft improved. I got into the school’s annual design show both years. Before, it was a pipe dream. I was writing more too… Some of my best work was during this time. Things seemed more hopeful and positive. Optimistic, even. That is how I am in a state of Temperance. Sure, we had money problems back then and life wasn’t perfect, but it was really lovely time for me. I’d never known that perfect a balance of happiness and creative satisfaction.
Apparently, I’m just not creative without the potential for a little madness.
Good Chaos- Creative. Bad Chaos- Madness.
Order came back after what might have been the best week of my life was darkened by a tragedy. That week I had two job interviews… One in finance (order!), one in design (chaos!). A design team I worked on had won a huge design competition, and would see our entire system implemented on the campus. We were pitching to the president of the university that week. I had a few pieces in the big design show. I’d finished my portfolio. I was graduating.
A week before I graduated, we found out that my brother was severely injured in Iraq. All that week, we waited and waited, hoping to hear some news. He wasn’t responsive, and they weren’t sure that he would live.
I felt horrible to try to enjoy that week, all the while knowing that my brother might be gone.
Chaos left. I chose the finance job.
So… I’ve been stuck on Order ever since.
Since, I’ve manifested Order in everything… while Chaos keeps cropping up in small ways. It’s still here. I feel as if it may try to come back. I see it for what it is. I can suppress it with antidepressants, but that is worse than Order. I can embrace it and ride a tidal wave of fuckery from here to the Indian Ocean. Chaos always brings the most intense spiritual experiences too.
I have embraced being a Hierophant. Mastery over Chaos and Order, emotion and control is something I am learning. I have the knowledge… The Hierophant. I know there is a source… The Star. The Moon is my path to get to the source. The High Priestess is the knowledge that Hierophant hasn’t unlocked or figured out yet. She is the Mysteries.
So I don’t have all the answers yet. I just see the patterns. I am learning to live more comfortably within order while being more forgiving of the short bursts of chaos. It’s more of a compromise than a true balance, but I am working on it.
Any time I self-sabotage, I am simply exerting control over the chaos. The good will surely end with bad, so I’ll just get the job done myself. I am a mad bootstrappy self-saboteur a can-do attitude!
I need to learn how to exert control gently. Strength is also part of the journey towards TEMPERANCE! WHOOOO!
I resolve to do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do. Temperance means that much more is possible, and I’ve merely skimmed the surface.
I’m not sure if anyone even reads this drivel, but if they do… Thank you for bearing with me. I had a lot to unravel there, and I had to uncoil the whole strand. That’s the only way to see how much thread you’re working with. It’s a process. Feeling like I got a little bit too self-absorbed there for like… the whole thing.