I never would have gotten any of this in therapy… I believe that therapy is essential for some, but I’ve never done well with it. I’m a tough pair of nuts to crack. I have balls of steel! Yet going through a spiritual journey, careful study, mysticism, shamanic work, connections with the right gods (for me), Tarot, and access to a nice selection of top-shelf Sativa has essentially accomplished for me what anti-depressants and cognitive-behavioral therapy have not. I’d not advocate that for everyone, or anyone really. My needs were simply not met by conventional methods of therapy because I needed some type of spiritual component or connection. It just took me a while to really find it. So… Please don’t think I’d encourage anyone eschew traditional mental health providers and their methods in lieu of walking around in Crazy Electric Shaman Cat Lady Land. It’s just happened to work out that way for me.
I’m sort of tired of being alone with my eclectic philosophuckery.
I remember a period of time where I ached for some sort of community, never found it, and soldiered on by myself.
You can figure out a lot of shit if you choose the path of the Hermit.
It’s been good for me. I’m grateful that I stuck with it for as long as I have.
But I’m kind of tired of it. My local Pagan community tries my patience… I’m not personally interested in Wicca as a spiritual path, so other than Tarot, I don’t find that we have much in common. I feel like I am coming from a different place, with a different set of sensibilities. I feel annoyed with the “fluffy bunnies”, and put-off by the opposite end of the spectrum whose many years of experience have left them jaded and wary of anyone who re-interprets their tried and true rules.
I don’t think the rules really matter as much for me. The Erisian in me prefers to keep things fluid.
Some part of me thinks that it’s always just going to be me, my gods, my bong, and a blank page waiting to be filled up with words.
I was too honest a few days back. I was also blazed out of my skull (hence my careful consideration of which Beatle would be good in bed. Really? Really? Hail Eris.). I’m not even remotely highThe at this moment, even though physically the pain is really bad today. I want my head to be clear for right now.
It was a small breakthrough for me, though. I’ve deliberated taking it all down. It feels strange and foreign to be so exposed. Yet it feels strangely empty, since I know I could have just as easily kept it all to myself.
I thought that really putting it out there into the great cosmic void of the Universe was the best way to move forward.
A part of me regrets that now. The void seems much bigger. More vast. I feel more alone in my journey than I did before.
This is neither chaos nor order.
I don’t know how to build the connections I want without risking the very fragile balance between the two.
The histrionic part of my personality that I don’t like very much seems to crave recognition for all of this recent change…
Time to read, I think… I’m going for Tarot Nusantara. It’s no-nonsense, no-bullshit approach is exactly what I need.
So… Spiritually, I am at an impasse of sorts. Given where I’ve come from, where do I go from here?
Past- 6 of Pents
I definitely feel like the past few years have been all about amassing knowledge, and learning to put it into practice. I’ve learned who my gods are, after much study and exploration. I’ve learned much from them… especially in the last year. It’s like many years of careful study, exploration, experimentation, and experiences have finally come together. I never really made offerings to the gods until a few years ago. The 6 of Pents seems to note a symbiotic relationship. I give to the gods, and I certainly can attest to receiving. Knowledge, insight, understanding, and enlightenment have been what they’ve given me. It was worth all of the work.
Present- The Fool
I am essentially starting from a new point. I know why I keep doing the same self-destructive things over and over again. I see my pattern manifesting in my life, over and over again. Knowledge is power, I suppose. I am not doing anything terribly different, but my perspective has shifted dramatically. I feel like I am moving forward in a very healthy and nurturing sort of way. I know that Temperance is a real possibility for me, as long as I keep my eyes open and am more aware of my behaviors and habits. It’s amazing how much this conflict is a part of me. Seeing it, I believe, has allowed me the freedom to move in a new direction. It’s not my gods, my practices, or my philosophies that are different. It’s that I am finding them useful in a new way. It’s that I believe there is a lot of broken junk on the inside that I might have the chance to heal. I feel good about it. I am ready. I don’t have all the answers… What Fool does? But I have the resources I need. Spiritually, I feel comfortable. Home. The rest of me is starting to follow suit. Example… Chaos vs. Order rings a bell when you have a repeated cycle of Extreme Dieting vs Guilt Binge eating issue. Chaos vs. Order chimes in when you are a perfectionist who often buckles and crushes under the weight of your own high self-expectations. I see it now. But what do I do with it?
Future- 3 of Cups
Basically, simply… I won’t always have to go it alone. It’s just temporary. Something is coming up that will give me that sense of community I need, without taking away from my own sort of rocky independent path. It will enhance, but not overwhelm. That is exactly what I want and need. I’m sort of over myself, really.
Course of Action– The Chariot/Queen of Pents
Ah… Chariot wheels, don’t let me down! I have to keep moving forward to seek out that sense of community. It’s on me to forge ahead. The Chariot doesn’t dick around. No time for sight-seeing! Time to hit the highway! MOOOOOOOOVE YOUR ASS! It’s a course of action that truly and literally means what it means… ACTION. Yet I must also be a bit pragmatic about it. The Queen of Pents is a good lady to see here. I have all the resources I need for the journey. I’ve planned carefully, and packed my bags with great care and deliberation. I am rich in many things that will serve me well on my way. I am at a turning point, but it’s far from over. I just feel like more is possible, but I feel smarter about it. More grounded. The Q of P concurs! I also see this as having some winter/nature connection. Pents are always winter to me. Resources are fewer, but if you plan well ahead of time, you can whether the rigors of Winter. There is a kind of warmth and joy that comes from the holidays that makes me think that it’s simply a way to take our minds off of the harsh weather. The Q of P would be the type to have planned it all to a T. So… I am not making this leg of the journey as The Fool, but rather a smart, capable, lady who has done her homework.
The Q of P checks the weather report before boarding the Chariot. She has a first-aid kid, batteries, flashlights, road flares, and extra blankets. She’s thrown in a Sudoku book, dark chocolate, a nice bottle of single malt Scotch, just in case. She can’t prepare for what lies ahead, but she’s smart enough to know what is needed to ensure the journey is as comfortable as it can be.
Where I’m Headed- 2 of Pents.
Temperance’s Apprentice, essentially. Sure, the flow isn’t as liquid or steady, but the balance and the movement is there. It’s not Mastery, but it is the right step in the right direction for now.
This is good.
Namaste Partay over here!