When determining which Beatle would be the best in bed, I concluded that George was the obvious answer. Ringo would jackhammer away like a goofy idiot. Wham bam… Uh… Okay. Thanks… I think? Paul would probably be rather sweet and sort of lovey but seriously Mr. Vanilla. He’d be a bit more romantic, than the others. I don’t like romance. It’s an empty version of what love actually is. He’s a bit too much of an idealist to get down and decidedly dirty. John would be rather good, being a bit artistic and all. He’d have a big ego about it though. “You like that baby? I’m more popular than Jesus! Say it, Bitch!” Well… maybe not that bad. You can tell he’d probably be a total dick like half the time. I don’t need that much dick… really now! George would probably be the most interesting and deep. It would probably be a little bit spiritual, or at least have enough low lighting and enough good weed to make it seem like it is. So… George would be my obvious choice.
I am in a rare moment of Temperance, shifting from right to left, keeping the balance and harmony between chaos and order. I haven’t mastered it though. The Hierophant has the knowledge to balance the two, but lacks the ablilty. The Star has the ability, but lacks the knowledge. Temperance is really the two coming together. As Temperance plunges through the waters, straddling the river with her cups lined up to keep the waters ever moving. Perfect rhythmic mobius strip of water flowing around and around with no source, no beginning, and no end. I am learning about how chaos vs. order is really the pattern of this lifetime for me. I’ve known other patterns, I think. Creation vs. Destruction must has been the pattern for the last one. Can I grab you a cold one, Kali Ma? (She says “no thank you, I do not like beer.”) Simply put, almost every conflict in my life stems from this weird chaos vs order type of push-pull. I am either completely one, or completely the other. I don’t know how to fully embrace chaos without forsaking order. I cannot live will complete order, as I feel depressed and numb without some aspect of chaos. I don’t know how to embrace the best parts of chaos while still staying harmoniously close to order. This is why as a single 5, Temperance is my Shadow Card. She is Mastery over Chaos and Order. The Star is not so much about Chaos as it is about freedom. She is natural, free, and without restraint. It is Chaos in an innocent form. It is the hope that Chaos brings when it shatters the more restrictive sides of Order.
I am at my best and most creative while in a Chaos state. For me, Chaos is all about emotion and how intensely I experience them. When I felt joy, I felt it truly and deeply. When I felt peace, I had a strong sense of it. When I felt anger, it was terrible. Any emotional stuff is way to intense for me. But Order solved all that for a while. Order is control over emotion. Emotion vs Control. Control and Order are essentially the same thing. As a kid, I learned to suppress my feelings as much as possible. I almost forgot I had a voice. I felt detached and empty. I wasn’t being myself, but I needed to protect myself. When the hurt hurts more the joy just isn’t enough. When in Order mode, I am easy going, calm, diplomatic, cheerful, professional, and affable. Polite? Absolutely. In control over every little thing? Every little detail? Organized, color-coded, with all of the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed with a pretty little flourish? Oh… no… that one’s not perfect. We’re going to have to re-do it. Deep moments of depression and ennui where it just doesn’t feel right, and something is missing, but you don’t know what?
Or… there’s always Chaos… Sleeping in to late because we stayed up all night trying to assemble the ULTIMATE 80’s Roadtrip Playlist? Becoming disorganized and lazy? Having wild, mad bursts of creative energy and out-put? The hits keep comin’ and comin’… I am at my best and funniest personality wise, while in chaos. I’m more charismatic. I’m happier. I’m chattier. Life is more enjoyable. I feel better. I sense the gods differently. I feel elevated and alive… It really is a creative and social high. It’s the best I can ever hope for. I feel like I am truly myself in that part of Chaos. But it doesn’t last. I experience great stress from my more lax attitude. Forgetting appointments and deadlines? Settling for “good enough” when you know that “exceptional” is your usual standard. You forget to pay bills, misplace paperwork, and are generally tired from all of that creative output. And your house is probably a mess from not cleaning up after all that glorious creative out-put. You don’t seem to notice, which is unlinke you. You crash harder. You anger quicker. You end up on the edge of an emotional breakdown, because it’s just all too much. The good is so good, but the bad is just so bad. Every emotion is wrung dry, every drop making you thirstier than the last. You eventually break down. You crash. Order manifests in some way, and takes over…
I can’t experience much joy, because I always know it’s not going to last. Chaos at it’s best isn’t possible without Chaos at it’s most destructive. Order isn’t it’s best without Chaos to keep it in balance. Not much is needed- Just a little bit.
I don’t know how to completely embrace my fairly intense emotions without keeping some of the Order I need to stay in balance. I am always off balance. I am either pure Chaos or pure Order. I see this in many parts of my life. The two duke it out. I have embraced the Hierophant by realizing this. I see it. I see how it works. It is a pattern.
It’s my pattern for this life. Bringing Chaos and Order into a harmonious balance. Temperance.