It’s rocket art.
You can’t always change things, but you can try. Sometimes you learn more from the process of doing so, despite the outcome. In this case, I made the initial process of house buying flawlessly easy… The deal was AMAZING, and everything we wanted fell perfectly into place. I Pushed. I’ve never really Pushed that hard before. It worked to a point, which was quite gratifying. It’s nice to see near-instant results with magickal work. It’s also not as nice to ignore the appearance of Death and the Tower in regards to a particular property I loved. I ignored the facts. The cards presented them over, and over again in a myriad of ways. I didn’t want to have my shiny, lovely, happy bubble burst in an unfortunate meeting with the sharp end of the Swords. Fuckers. My readings were spot-on with what happened, I was just too caught up in the Erisian Merriment of Forethought & Design Planning to pay attention. I am highly visual and spatial. I already had the space mapped out in my mind, with the paint colors all picked out. Say what you will about my taste levels, but my vision? My mind’s-eye is a bit stronger than that of the average bear. I let myself look too far forward at the possibilities, so much so that I ignored the warning signs…
Given the fact that I dated a lot of cool guys who ended up being emotionally-retarded jack-holes… I’d say that this might just be typical. I hated dating. House-shopping and dating aren’t that different.
Our deal fell through. The great unknown makes me nervous. It was a once-in-a-lifetime to get such a great house at such a steal, at such a low rate, in such a great location, with such great energy. The house had this amazing, warm, cozy, welcoming inviting type of energy flow. I love houses like that, and I only know of a few. It all goes back to the energy that certain places put out.
All places put out a type of subtle energy that is unique to them, if you know how to sense it. Unless you’re running a bit penty, I can’t see how you would notice. It’s an earthy thing. If you’re all air, water, and fire… you could miss it. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about this, and I’m not sure how to describe it myself. Places have a… feel. The feel is… different with each place, and unique to each place. With structures and their interiors exteriors, the best case scenario is that we’re simply building-on or optimizing that place. Space should align with place.
Frank Lloyd got it right… Falling Water Party over here!
For me, buying a house has everything to do with it. Maybe I’m more of an animist than I realized, but I feel the potential in every house I walk into. I feel the Space. I feel the Place. Most don’t feel like home to me, nor do I expect them too. I haven’t lived in a Place or a Space that matched in many years. I haven’t lived in a place that felt so utterly Right that is was Home since I was very young. I’m a bit sad about that, really.
I’m an HSP, apparently. I’d bet that a lot of mystically-inclined folks are. Apparently, I’m just jacked-up and crazy enough to believe that the Feel of some Places is really special, and not in a speshul way. Special enough for capital letters, my chickens! Capital letters! Is it crazy? Maybe. But I’m not crazy, because I realize that it’s kind of crazy, and knowing is half the battle or something.
The House was a Home. I really wanted it. I tried to make that happen, but it was just not meant to. It was a small insignificant complication with this particular property, and our particular loan program. THE MUNDANISH STRIKE AGAIN! It was the kind of complication that the Hierophant is ever on the look-out for. Fucking bureaucrat!
Maybe I need to drop the craft, and pick me up some bureaucraft instead. The magicks are… ORGANIZED AND CODED BY COLOUR AND SIZE! HUZZAH! SO MOTE IT BE, PLEASE INITIAL ON LINE THREE!
I am a bit sad. Tarot can act as a mirror. 9 of Swords. 9 of Swords. 9 of Swords… everywhere! Funny how yesterday, after hearing the bad news, I just needed to lie down and cry my eyes out for a few hours. That’s just what I did. I’d doze off, then wake-up, sit-up, cry some more and lay back down. It was out of frustration, mainly. I don’t cry when I’m sad. I’m one of those bootstrappy souls who is always calm in a crisis, and usually keeps everyone else calm too, Yet I get overemotional about weird stuff, usually when I am overwhelmed or frustrated. Part of me knew I’d see this card manifest in a way that would not be comfortable, and that it was part of the process.
I had no idea how literal that it could get.
Still… This helped me in a way. I recognize that Home is what this is about for me. I could give a fuck less about a house. A Home is what I am after. I grew up in a rural area surrounded by land. When my family moved into their Dream House of Sucking Despair and Disrepair, I was almost about to turn 12. We left the rental that we’d been in through most of my childhood before that point. The rental was on a ranch out in the country, only a few miles away from the building site of the Dream House of Suck. My Dad is a builder, and built the house himself. The land was cheap, for a reason. It had dry, sandy, rocky soil with very little water. The house was hot, uncomfortable, and seemed to breed discontent. The worst years of my life were spent in that house. Not that my family life was so bad, but there was something about the place that made things go awry. I always felt uncomfortable there. Always. The land was inhospitable, and It did not want us There. Or anyone. The people that own the house now have had a taste of The Suck.
The Ranch was different. It was a magical and a magickal place. I feel such a deep connection to that land, even though it’s been over 20 years. It was Home. A proper Home should have many things that a mere house does not have. Perhaps my workings should focus on that rather than trying to get my bureaucraft on to make the MunDanish aspects of home buying go more smoothly. Perhaps I need to spend some time working on what I want, rather than mooning over something that I don’t have. The Ranch was the last placed I’ve lived where I felt right, good, whole, comfortable and… Home. The Dream House? No. The crapholes I lived in during college? NO. The crapholes we lived in when we were first married? No. Our current rental situation? No. I do like our current Place, but I do not like the Space.
The House we almost bought was a lovely Space in a really nice Place. There was a small rock outcropping off the back garden patio. I need rock outcroppings. Rock outcroppings are holy places to me. The Ranch had many, many, many of them. I still consider them sacred. It was a home that radiated warmth, love, and was set-up to build a rich, inviting, enjoyable life.
I already have these things. Perhaps someone else needs this house more than we do. I accept what the Gods and Monsters are trying to tell me. It’s been far more emotional for me than I thought it would. I can see Spaces, and how to make them better. I think it was absolute bullshit that I was discouraged from pursuing interior design as a career path. I believe I would have been much better at it than those discouraging me. My Home will be kickass, wherever it is, by the time I am done with it. I may not have talent, but I do have style. That counts for something, right?
This is an opportunity. The right Place and Space just hasn’t happened yet. “It’s a buyer’s market! Rates are low! You should do it now, or you may not get another chance!”. Yes, I suppose the MunDane whoards (whores + hoards= whoards) are right in a sense. My reasons for buying a house aren’t quite the same. Perhaps I needed to go through the process to get a taste of what is possible, so that I can be sure when the right one comes along. I am not so nervous about the MunDanish parts now, which is good.
I suppose it will all work out. I have a good life overall, and my gods are fond of schooling me on occasion. This is the Kali/Persephone season for me, which trails after the Ganesha season. (They like me more during certain seasons. That’s cool man, we’ll go with it). Hope… beginnings… possibility… a start… rolling into UNDERWORLD-CRASH-BANG-BOOM-DEATH-REBIRTH-DISCOVERY-NEEDED CHANGE-BUY THE TICKET TAKE THE RIDE-KABOOM-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?
I don’t like it, but… it’s progress. Onward, upward, and some other Poly-Anna-Theist bullshit.