White Tara always seems to show up when I listen to this song.
Not sure why that is… Maybe because it’s about a gypsy rover who met his one true love- A king’s daughter who gave up her kingdom to follow him.
I’ve been feeling like I’ve given up all of my power in order to follow such an unorthodox, mystical, perplexing, difficult, and ever-shifting-or-drifting spiritual path.
I’ve been focusing on it a lot lately… The issue and the idea of power. My struggles with power are at the core of my issues. I am very independent, resourceful, self-reliant, bootstrappy, and cheerfully optimistic to a fault. I will do as much as I can by myself for myself because I feel that it’s a measure of my integrity as a person. I don’t want to burden others with my problems, nor do I want to ask for help. Asking for help is not an option for me. Not often. Not usually.
Things have been different since I asked White Tara for help, rather than just going to my little solitary witchbasket of magickal goodies. I’ve pleaded to Kali before to stop, but I’ve never really petitioned a god directly for specific assistance. I’ve never asked my family for much help either, but I’ve had to lately. At work I am always in perfect organizational control, but lately I’ve been scattered with my move. With the move I’ve tried to do everything I can myself without much help, even though I’m not feeling well and I’m still in quite a bit of pain. We’ve had to ask for some help there, and we’re finally getting it.
Our families mutual expressed desire to help, and the actual output of assistance has been a bit off, so it’s also been a source of great frustration for both of us. We’ve both had to put our best foot forward, and our other foot down. “You say you want to help? Here is how you can help… Please quit nagging us about when we’re moving out, just because Grandma Stupid-Facehead is living in your house driving you fucking crazy. That old bitch has been bugging us about it too. Knock it the fuck off already!”
I had to let go of things for this to happen. I was trying to hold on to so much that any power or directional sway I had was vastly diluted. I’m rather sensitive to outside influences, be it sensory, godly, psychically, empathically, or intuitively. Take your pick. I deal with all of these on a damn near daily basis these days.
I’m just sensitive and receptive, but I have to protect what’s mine.
White Tara granted my wish. She’s given me great healing and peace, both within my body but in my home, my job, my overall health, my weight, my sex life, and my relationship to my gods.
It has a beautiful gossamer pink Kwan-Yin cord wrapped around it, so I know it’s the kind of protection that’s born of love not of defensiveness. I protect that which is of most value, and I happen to think that being overly sensitive or receptive is a gift and a curse. It makes cannabis work in extraordinary ways. It’s much more psychoactive for me than it seems to be for most people. It makes my relationship to the gods as it is, as I’d like it to be, more than possible.
A good beating from Kali always reveals something deep within that I’ve buried and need to deal with. Kwan-Yin always shows up shortly therafter for a little TLC and damage control. She helps me forgive, move on, have compassion for whatever motivated the issue at the time, and through White Tara, Green Tara, Shiva/Shakti, or Ganesha I move on. Kali is peeling away my issues and doubts like an onion skin, little by little. It leaves me raw and exposed, like all of my nerves are on fire. It makes the sensitivities much more worse. More heightened.
It explains why I’ve had so much metaphysical action of late. Goddess action. God action. Shakti action. Kali action. Persephone action. Erisian action. Magickal action. Psychic action. Chakra action. Physical action. Health action. Home action. Office action.
Fuck. Kali is the goddess of time and movement. Movement drives Change through Time.
Lights! Camera! Action! I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille!
SO that’s part of why things have been so off-the-fucking-charts-so-hard-it-smarts-like-a-whack-in-the-ass-crack-with-a-baseball-bat-what-do-you-think-about-that!
Lax & Sara are always floating around for me, but they’ve been disconnected from this whole thing. They’ve simply done what they always do. Ganesh has been distant to, but keeps throwing me strong but constant reminders of his presence just the same. He seems to say “I can’t help you with this one for reasons you’ll understand soon enough. But just know I am thinking about you, and I am here.”
Ganesha loves me… What the hell do I need to find Jesus for? Bwahahah!
So this leaves me quite nervy and exposed and wreaks havoc at the same time. Lot’s of heavy. So I’ve let stuff go. My burden has lightened. Things are improving. I am feeling better. I am healing. I am calmer. I am kinder to myself and to others.
It’s the best thing I ever could have done. It was all my choice. I am learning from that. As I am learning to categorize and analyze some of the different types of experiences I’ve described (Sarasvati is your go-to-goddess if you’re a Single 5 Hierophant like me!), I am seeing how I can direct this flow.
A flowing, drifting, liquid spirituality needs a skilled sailor to navigate the current.
I have learned that floating willy-nilly like a damn leaf over the rapids has left me battered. Wounded. Broken. A gaping maw. Sure, I’m healing, but did it all have to be so damn melodramatic?
I have a penchant for melodrama when angry. It’s… kind of ugly. It’s kind of… Erisian.
Going up in my bubble, falling to the ground and landing flat on my face, getting pounded by Kali and Persephone and Eris during a time of great stress and change in my life, and just going with it as if I have no choice?
Bullshit. I have a choice, and I call bullshit.
Laxshmi, Ganesha, and Sarasvati aren’t gods I can control or need to control. They give freely. Kali demands much of her devotees. It’s not something I’d recommend to anyone with a history of gastrointestinal issues. Ugh. Persephone and I just weren’t a good fit any more. Kwan-Yin and The Taras couldn’t full come through until I cleared the path. Nor could Parvati/Durga/Shakti, whom I think might actually be my new patron goddess.
I know, right?
Control? Power? Fuck yeah! Riding a Durga Current? BY TEH POWAAZ Of GAYSKULL!!!! I HAZ IT!
This peace? This healing? This glorious pink and white and deep emrald green love, harmony, peace, wisdom, contentment, and happy shiny goodtimes with pink bubbles and shit? It’s nice. I can maintain it if I choose to. I can choose!
I don’t have to accept that which doesn’t work. None of this “speak your truth” bullshit I keep hearing new agey fucks keep saying. Nope. It’s more “Doesn’t work? BUH-BYE! No… Really… Good day, Sir or Madam! Knock-knock? Who’s there? Please go away, okthxbai! Hmmm… Gonna get nasty with me, Holmes? I’ll cut your cheese you Alabaman brother-schtupping MCPOYLE’in MOTHER FUCKAH!!!!”
To protect the Peace of my home, hearth, health, and spirit… I have Parvati. These things are my stability and my shelter. My space is very important to me, with sacred space in particular. In working with Parvati, my home has been transformed. It is a kind of joy I haven’t exprienced in a long time, and I missed it.
To protect me from the more destructive influences of some of these currents and help maintain that piece I have her aspect Durga. I am also protecting my raw and sensitive nerves through her as well.
To protect my marriage and maintain that which we’ve worked for, I have Shakti. (I’m afraid of having kids or growing old and bored with eacho there. My panic button says “What if it’s not like it is now where the guy I’m in love with also happens to be my very best friend and the one person whom I trust and love enough to not hesitate to ask for help. Him helping me shows me
The trade-off is that I have to cowgirl-up and protect that hard-won peace, love, prosperity, success, creatively stimulating, and healing energy. Things are looking’ sunshinier all the time!
Who loves the Sun?
So it’s better. I have taken control. I have voluntarily let go. I have gained great benefits by doing so.
That’s what this journey, and this lifetime is all about… Progress.
I’m far from perfect, but I’m at a point where I’ve got a leg-up.
I am a surfer, but I’m also the ship’s captain.
Cap’n Eris. Ahoy, Muthafuckahs!
Thank you Kali. Thank you Kwan-Yin. Thank you White Tara. Thank you Green Tara. Thank you Ganesha. Thank you Sarasvati. Thank you Laxshmi, Thank you Parvati/Shakti/DuRRRga…
I am the Queen of Wands… I am a Hierophant. Temperance is my shadow. I am controlling Bad Chaos. I am reigning it in. Walk the plank, bitchez! Tara beams like The Star’s reflection in the water, and it feels right. Kwan-Yin is the reason it’s possible.
I’m finally figuring out my shit, and it feels pretty damn good. So damn good that i think it’s time for a Scooby Snack or something of that ilk.