Spiritual Surfer Rosa

Spiritual Surfer Rosa

I am a spiritual surfer rather than a magpie.

Peruse the currents to ride the right wave?

Fuck yeah, I’m down with that as long as I’m still the one steering the surfboard.

That is because I run with the phoenix. Phoenix is a current I’ve never recognized in myself before. I am pretty tenacious in a calm, zen, almost stoic way when the shit hits the Justin Bieber fan. When you run to catch up with the phoenix, you’re flying high on fire, only to crash, burn, die miserably only to find itself stirring back to life to be reborn again and again from the ashes.

It’s a very independent current, and if anything for the first time I really see much of my grandfather in myself.

He was an exceptionally bright, intelligent, thoughtful, and well-read man, yet also very engaging, personable, witty, and diplomatic. With the opposite sex, he could be a real charmer when he chose to be. A notorious flirt. It used to annoy my grandma, from whom I get my quick wit and sarcasm. He knew how to relate to people very well, and was very calm and direct without dramatics in times of serious trial or stress. He wasn’t an aggressive leader. He had this splendidly subtle way of asserting a very natural and genuine sense of leadership with no ego or showmanship at all. He’d calmly and rationally assert himself, and completely command a room without offending or hurting a soul. Yet the guy was pretty tough in his own right… I know that he went through hell as a kid, and made it a point to give his kids a better life than he had.

He loved me in his own way, and unlike my other grandparents he showed it in a real and genuine way. He taught me how to feed and care for the animals on his farm, and how to dowse- a gift that his family was well known for in their small community.

I am like him in many ways. I get my tenacity and temper from my fathers side, but my calm clear head and command of a situation in a crisis balances it out. I know where I get that from, and I am thankful for it.

Ancestor worship is a new thing for me. I only recently started to incorporate it into my practice. When my Grandma R. passed away, I did a lot of ritual work to mourn her passing. It was the first time I’d lost someone since my path took on a more structured and coherent form, and I am very glad I took that approach.

Lately I’m seeing a lot of little connections between some of my own gifts and curses, and who I get them from.

It feels like an interesting avenue to explore. I’ve decided not to have children because I don’t want to pass on a lot of negative attributes from both sides of the family. I also am far too sensitive to stimuli, being a nervy fucking trainwreck of intuition and intolerances, and I can’t handle the stress.

I am an end of things to a degree, but I feel like wherever I am headed it’s only just beginning.

The time is right to start incorporating my family into my practice. I don’t need children to experience a connection to my ancestors, my past, and my future.

I am grateful that the traits that have made my father’s side of the family so unbearable is somewhat subdued and balanced within me. They have raging tempers, massive personality disorders, chemical imbalances, and just plain fucking craziness. They can be violent and wildly irrational. All of them. Yet they are also very gifted storytellers and artists.

I am thankful to be who I am because of them. When I chose this life, I chose it for it’s challenges and this meat body’s internal resources. I am lucky in a lot of ways. I’ve been through some big stuff, especially lately, yet I keep going.

This last week has been calmer. The gods have been subtle and kind. My health has been a little bit better. Work is somewhat calmer. I’ve felt a gentle but firm hand on my shoulder all the while…

Just keep at it. It won’t be like this forever, so you have to keep on going. You’re bootstrappy like that darlin’, and you’re going to be just fine.

Encouraging, but without sentiment or sugar-coating. Meaningful and simple, and not a platitude as it might be coming from another.

It’s my grandpa. I have been in terrible need of answers and also a soft place to land. Spiritually, I’ve been through so much hell of late that I keep getting to the point where I am over the whole thing. Since cutting off Eris temporarily, and Persephone/Kore for good, I’ve freed myself in some immeasurable way.

Things are calmer and I feel better.

I was thinking not long ago that my gods seem to love me and care for me. I never felt love or devotion in Eris or Persephone. It was purely professional in some way. Same with the Neteru. I struggled to feel that for the Abrahamic God, but I was wracked with guilt over my inability to feel anything. It’s different now. Ganesha is a joy to work with. An absolute joy. Parvati/Durga is the fierce protrectress and hearth goddess I’ve been needing. Yet working with ancestors is different for me…

I didn’t have to wait or work with that current to feel something… Because it was my ancestor, my blood, part of me… The love was already there.

So the current has led me here. Early Spring is my Saraswati season. I always get something new to enhance my practice during this time of year. After doing a massive banishing/purification ritual on the Supermoon(!) and Vernal Equinox, I was hoping I might get some clarity, and it has.

I love you, Grandpa. I wish I could have spent more time with you. You were the only thing close to a normal grandparent I’ll ever know and I am thankful for all you’ve given me.


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