The Big, The Bad, & The… Like… TOTALLY… Heavy, Man!

The Big, The Bad, & The… Like… TOTALLY… Heavy, Man!

Some of the yuck I’ve recently dredged up has to do with some stuff that happened eleven years ago. I was undergoing a time of great volatility, chaos, and transformation much like I am doing right now. My Kwan-Yin current was a short but needed reprieve from the Mini Kali-Yuga that started in December, and has turned into a Shakti/Durga/Parvati vs. Persephone & The Underworld in a fucking free for all. Eris opted out early and smartly.

I’ve been through similar, but I am far more equipped to see it through this time. I am better for it, and I am reclaiming the health and energy that is rightfully mine. Persephone will drain me dry no more! There was some literal buryin’ and burninatin’ done to that end this morning, and it seems the right time to connect the dots.

This is more of that unfun and brutal gory detailed stuff. UGH. Can’t wait till this is OVER and I can start writing funny tarot shit again!

I can’t eat much these days. A few bites, and I’m full. I thought I had an ulcer… I found out that I may still have one. Ulcers happen to me during times of great pain. When my right shoulder is acting up, I will take more NSAIDS. People still are under the mistaken belief that ulcers are caused by stress. This is completely untrue. H.pylori bacteria and overuse of NSAIDS are the only two causes.
I do have neck problems and terrible myofasical trigger points all over my right shoulder blade.
I’ve been in pain for a good part of the last ten years.
Eleven years ago, my body crashed.
I fell down the stairs and hurt my neck and shoulder.
I went off a diet that had recently helped me lose 60lbs.
I realized that I was in love with my best friend.
He used that in the cruelest and most selfish way possible.
I fell out of love very quickly, and he tormented me with passive-aggressive digs at the innermost cogs and sprockets of my psyche. Within the next eight months, we went from friends to lovers to frienemies to enemies.
“Why are you even friends with me? I’m so mean to you!” He mocked.
“You know Spooky… I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately.” I replied very honestly, not a hint of wit or sarcasm.
Oh, but wait… that wasn’t all…
I got Epstein Barre virus while my neck and shoulder healed, and then a little bit after that I got some really strange symptoms that I now recognize were symptoms of galbladder problems! The same problems I’ve been dealing with ongoing since then! Weird ongoing, food intolerance linked, right shoulder pain that causes more myofascial trigger points and seems to be accompanied by stomach and digestion troubles. Also, this pain does not respond well to Western medicie, Eastern medicine, or any other alternative healing modalities. You know…. I’ve tried everything like massage, acupuncture, eft, hypnosis, chiropractic, cranio-sacral, physical therapy, Feldenkrais, tai chi, yoga, strength-training, diet and exercise, pain pills, NSAIDS, medicated pain rubs, applied kinesthesiology, shamanic healing, magickal workings, channeling, petitioning the gods, and even journeying to the Underworld. Yeah man. Shaman as fuck, right? ♫ SHAMONE-HEE-HEE! ♫ That like totally happened in 2006. Five years ago, last November. Hmph. I am still dealing with the repercussions as of now.

That was my second dance with Persephone.
But back to eleven years ago… I was dancing with The Lady then too.
My tried to tell my dad she was leaving him.

My dad tried to kill my mom.

I made him stop choking her.

Both of them were a hysterical mess. I arranged for my grandfather to pick my mom up, and I made my dad sit in his Lazy-Boy and watch a movie. He kept babbling. “I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it!”. It was getting on my nerves. I couldn’t exactly unsee it at that point, and Mr. Victim was a role he played very well. I kept warning him and reprimanding him like a small child who was being obnoxious for attention. Fucking narcissists! Seriously? Your daughter just saw you flip out and start choking your wife, you daughter saw it, and now you’re crying innocent-poor-baby-me? Really? I am an ethical person, and I strive to conduct my affairs with diplomacy and integrity. You can’t do that with a narcissist. I snapped at him. “I don’t have time to deal with you right now. I am busy. You sit down in your chair and watch a movie. I WILL deal with you later, so don’t you get up out of that chair! Do you understand me?”
That’s when my brother came downstairs and shouted “FUCK ALL OF YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU!” waving his double-bird salute, and getting our dad all riled up again.
Narcissists are the worst kind, and both of them are both according to our family resident therapist, Uncle Bucky. He diagnosed them both, but made sure that my mom understood how tricky narcissists can be. When you add in the fact that both are bipolar, you have a problem. Dad is more depressive than manic, and Slim my bro is more manic than depressive. Slim’s mania is all driven by the Chariot.
I told Slim to go smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out, and escorted my babbling and incoherent father back to his chair.
My mom was in tears, and was way beyond words at that point. I directed her steadily and calmly, helping her put her shoes on, and gathering the rest of her bags together. She was already packed, but the movers would be taking the rest of her things out the next day. I walked her out to my grandfather’s car. He didn’t say much as he took her arm and helped her into his truck. He and I went back in and gathered up the rest of her bags. I was wearing a neck brace and I wasn’t allowed to carry anything, but I did anyway.
My mom left my dad.
I had to move.
Shoulder pain got worse. I got sicker.
Major problems at work.
Started upper-division coursework in design. The only reason I passed with 12 absences was because of talent and my ability to easily come up with new ideas, play with them all, and then sell that idea. My craft sucked, but my protoypes, notes, sketches, and trials and error was how I came up with ideas. I played until I got it right. I transformed chaos into order! I loved it, but graphic design at my college was unlike any other state program. It was old school and hands-on. We inked squares. Hundreds of squares. Well… Everyone else did. I didn’t. I was a bit more free spirited and I was constantly sick. My professors let me get away with a lot because I had potential, or they could see that I had put a lot of work into my process, I just lacked a coherently edited down, and flawlessly executed idea. No wonder design school brought out my OCD…Chaos v.s Order… Woot…
Oh, but back to eleven years ago…
I also moved in with another boy.
Moved again.
Ran into the  The Magician randomly, a man I’d had a crush on for years. He was even the inspiration to my first magickal working back in 1997!
Married The Magician.
Anything else I missed? I got strep throat four times that year.
I am revisiting that year with all of the changes that are afoot in my life. It’s overwhelming, but the good news is I’m finally healing. All of this had to come back up before I could deal with it and move on.

The Magician saved me in a way. With him as an anchor, I can explore further depths and have a safe place to land.

I don’t need the Dark Lady’s help, and I haven’t for a long time.

The day-long ritual I did over the weekend has been a purging and purification of a sort, and I can gladly let these things go.

I’ve also held on to these things for far too long, and I don’t need them anymore.

When Tara pops up in my tarot readings through The Star, and she’s very persistent in shining her light my way trying to get my attention, yet explaining absolutely nothing. She throws off the reading in it’s entirety. I call them my Tara Readings…

ZOMG!!! Someone needs to do a Tara Tarot! Like the different aspects of Tara through tarot. That would be sweet! I couldn’t do it though.

New post on White Tara coming soon. 🙂


2 thoughts on “The Big, The Bad, & The… Like… TOTALLY… Heavy, Man!

  1. I think everyone has that moment when they know they’ve truly become an adult in their own right, and that was mine for sure.

    I don’t feel remarkable though… I just feel tired! 😉

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