A Dark Knight of the Soul… Like My Inner Batman?

A Dark Knight of the Soul… Like My Inner Batman?

I am a cosmic cowgirl and spiritual spelunker, cherry-picking shiny low-hanging branches from the Tree of Life, and burning that shit the fuck up for the purposes of maximum divine sparkage.

It’s not always easy, but it’s always interesting. It’s been a lot of both lately. The Divine, Persephone specifically, tore me a new one in the vacancy where my old one used to reside.

I was about ready to jump ship. Not as in shuffling off this mortal coil kind of ship jumping, but I’m talking the S.S. Erisian Shakti Underworldy Thang we’ve got going on behind door #5… AYE-AYE-AWWWWW-YEAAAAAHHHH-SHIT-HAPPENS-CAP’N-CRUNCH!

I went to Tropical Iceland, and it sucked flaming hairless chupacabra balls. I made some tough choices, but here I sit all the more better for it. I sick again this morning, but was able to spend the better part of the afternoon picking up the pieces. I’ve been Humptied and I’ve been Dumptied, but I don’t care for having both at the same time. I don’t swing that way, Holmes. There is no king or horses to put me back together, but I don’t need them when I married a Magician. I couldn’t do this without him. He didn’t do anything but sit with me for a bit, but sometimes that’s enough.

I don’t want people to go down the same path I’ve gone down. It was the only way for me to get here where I am right now.

I realized that I’ve been looking at the whole saying goodbye to Persephone in the completely wrong way. I still feel that we’ve outgrown one another, and Kali is all the darkness I need. I needed to work with the underworld and with a more cthonic current, since that’s what initially called me here in the first place. As I first began to explore polytheism, Persephone and Eris were my go-to girls. Persephone shouted at me early on, when I was ten while reading D’Aulaire’s Greek Myths. It was the most beautifully illustrated chapter book in the whole school library, and we often fought with one another to check it out. I related to her story in some way, being a kid who struggled with depression. Eris gave me my first nod during a horrible break-up in college.

I’ve outgrown those currents, and what they used to mean to me. As I initially embraced paganism, I prided myself on my ability not to cherry pick with Persephone, but instead brace the duality of her nature. You can’t have death without rebirth! Gotta have the Queen of Spring and the Queen of the Dead over for tea! Sure, I go a little bit Whitey Lighty at times so a deep and diggity cthonic burst of static is needed at times. Eris of course is the wild card. She’s a beast I need to tame, not abandon all together. I see that now too.

Persephone’s dark aspect has been seriously fucking with me since I decided to sever ties.

I had an accidental invocation on my way to work last week. She spoke TO ME through a song. Not at me… TO ME. It was the freakiest, weirdiest, not-fun-all-kinds-of-awfulness you’d think it would be. I cried all the way to work. I’ve cried a lot this week. Thankfully Durga swept in at the last minute and roared her away.

I realized that I am given to a bit of Pollyanna-ness. I am wholly optimistic. I become frustrated. I grow pessimistic. I grow weary. I try to fight. I get knocked on my ass. And… I get back up. As I get back up, I always realize something vital and crucial that I completely overlooked. I get answers from the gods these days, whether I ask for them or not.

I evoked Kali willingly, which is rare for me. I got my answers.

I don’t have to give up on Persephone. I have a choice. I needed to walk in some darker places, because given the choice I’d rather dance with Ganesh or ask Saraswati for good band recommendations.

I had to be willing to face darkness for what it is, but now that I don’t need that anymore I also have to be willing to let it go.

Persephone is an important goddess, and not one to be taken lightly. I can embrace her lighter aspect without paying homage to her dark. Today I learned, I have a choice. I don’t have to give up on this relationship if I don’t want to.

I have to, I’ve learned. Same with Eris… I have to take control. I can’t keep drifting willy-nilly at the whim of gods who may or may not love me.
My heart is moved by the possibilities within the divine, but my brain still waits for the other shoe to drop.

As long as I work with wildcards and volatile elements, I’ll never really get much farther than I am now.

I cried to Kali once before, and I did again today. I don’t want to make a habit of that.

So… I’m going to keep on going! I did some spiritual house keeping and some tarot basket pruning. I did a little work to settle things down. I may not have mentioned it, but I haven’t been able to read for a few months either. It’s been muddy.

I embrace my inner Batman! Dark knight of the soul indeed!

This shit is so fucked-up. I remind my husband constantly… “I know I’m not crazy, but at least I’m not boring!”


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