Of course I believe in past lives… I mean, if you’re a big hippie like me, it totally makes sense.
It’s my inclination that this life was a good choice. It’s not been easy, but I’m equipped with some good internal resources.
I’ve essentially figured out my shit. It’s not dramatic, but I see the Patterns in the MunDanish aspects of my life more fully ripened than before. There aren’t that many mysteries left for me when it comes to figuring out why I’m here, why I tick and tock the way I do, and what I’m supposed to do next.
Christmas was strange for me this year in that it was very good. I felt a lot of divine love and light that is rare for me in such beautiful gushes. I am eternally thankful to Kwan Yin for stopping by to say hello. She’s very subtle till you’re ready for her.
I remembered what made Christmas special to me as a kid. At the darkest time of the year, where Nature is still too busy hibernating to answer, we need light, warmth, and divine love the most just so that we don’t feel quite so lost. Jesus is pretty popular during the holidays, and so are parties. We do these things to block out the dark, and invoke warmth from within. We need it because it’s fucking cold as shit outside, and we also need it so that the darkness of winter doesn’t consume us. We eat with one another. We perform rituals of devotion. Black Friday? You can’t tell me that isn’t a Christmas Shopping Initiation Ritual of some type. As a kid, I loved the feeling of going to the candle-lit Christmas Eve service at church. I usually hated church, but not at night. It felt like some connection to a deeper, more ancient, more holy sort of place. It felt like home in a way it never did under normal circumstances.
I realize now that it reminded me of somewhere else I’ve lived, although not in this life. I wonder if I was a monk or a scribe of some kind. I could see me gravitating towards something like that. Even now, I have a deep unending love of research. I can’t describe the feeling quite aptly in words, but I remember it. Peace. Reverence. Connection. I only felt connected to the Divine at this time, and this time only. That is why I could never really be an atheist. I tried to be logical, but I kept my heart lined with Divine wallpaper. It’s more than just being sentimental. I remember that feeling. That feeling. Maybe it was because it was going to Church at night? Maybe it was the candles? Maybe it was that we just sung Christmas carols? I can’t tell you, but I can tell you that there is some special magic about the old church I grew up in that pretty much ceased when they leveled the old building to make room for a SUPER PROGRESSIVE LUTHERAN MEGA CHURCH. I didn’t want to get married in MEGA CHURCH. The old building was what made the magic. The MEGA CHURCH is what killed it. I was completely lost after MEGA CHURCH. I realized that any part of God I might have felt was obliterated the moment they broke ground on the new church. I was angry in a way. It was hard enough for me before, but increasingly difficult after. I began to question at that point. I must have been 15 or 16. Christmas began to lose it’s magic too.
But I am glad it’s wasn’t forever. I’ve made strides this year in Figuring Out My Shit. Spiritually, I feel vindicated, alive, and good about where I’ve ended up. I would not have ended up here without the struggles of the past. I am grateful for the connection. It’s a different connection now. It’s more vital, more alive, more colorful, more personal, and more a part of my daily life.
In 2008, Persephone, Anubis, Isis, and Ganesh came a knocking, and I answered the door.
In 2009, Persephone, the Neteru, and the Unnamed Blue Goddess of Libraries, Learning, and Wisdom remained strong. Eris was around. Kali crept in. Isis left the building. Anubis said goodnight. Blue Goddess was actually some aspect of Sophia/ or Saraswati, but I didn’t recognize that it was my choice to go either way. I picked up a little bit of stuff from Inanna and Cybele, but I ignored it. Anu, the Sumerian Sky God called too. I was either going to be called by the Sumerians or the Hindu pantheon, I just didn’t see it yet. I was mostly picking up on strong, yet simplified archetypal energy. BLUE Goddess was the High Priestess to me. GOLD goddess, was the one who I accidentally evoked while coming out of the grocery store. Blue & Gold Goddess are aspects of the same goddess… Sophia. I only knew that from my GOLD experience with her. She said “I am the thunder. I am the power. I am the light. I am. I am. I am.”.
Thanks to a google search, I stumbled a upon this…
The Thunder- Perfect Mind
I was sent forth from the power,
- and I have come to those who reflect upon me,
- and I have been found among those who seek after me.
- Look upon me, you who reflect upon me,
- and you hearers, hear me.
- You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves.
- And do not banish me from your sight.
- And do not make your voice hate me, nor your hearing.
- Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time. Be on your guard!
- Do not be ignorant of me.
- (She sort of snuck up on me while grocery shopping… hard to ignore.)
- For many are the pleasant forms which exist in numerous sins,
and disgraceful passions,
and fleeting pleasures,
which (men) embrace until they become sober
and go up to their resting place.
- And they will find me there,
and they will live,
and they will not die again.
I was looking for a profound experience, and after years of searching… I got one. BLUE goddess has more to do with consciousness. My experience with her is part of why I started smoking weed again. I hadn’t for two or three years after a run-in with some bad brownies that left me high and paranoid for three days. I had to call in high from work! I totally stopped. BLUE Sophia beckoned, and I answered the call. She is a deep aspect of consciousness, and apparently I need cannabis to make the journey. This has proven true. From that time, I’ve made stunning progress. I’ve actually found a spiritual practice that is truly meant for me. I feel blessed, really. Gold Sophia was more about POWER. Power that comes from magick. She is The Magician for me. Make it happen, Captain! It was a watershed year.
The Neteru left the building. The Hindu pantheon hinted. Persephone and Eris were my only constants. While these powerful and dark ladies have their purposes and their needs, one can’t be solely devoted to the dark. It’s out of balance, and that year certainly was for me. It was not my best year, despite the good parts. I still felt like I was close to something, but it was still out of reach. I had many fallow periods in my tarot practices, magickal working, and devotional rituals. Ganesh was around, but he was unusually quiet. Ganesh is not a quiet god. He’s friendly, chatty, sociable, and approachable.
When he is out of reach, it means shit is mad bad, yo. I was in a holding pattern, and it wasn’t good. He was my Hanged Man, when he is usually best as my Fool.
In Late 2009, I had my first experience with Kali. Kali changed everything. She stripped away the junk. Not even a trace of doubt remained. Kali lives in my gut-brain, spurning the flare-up of some obnoxiously painful ulcers. (I get peptic ulcers from time to time due to the fact that I have to take NSAIDS fairly often for my stupid fucked-up Neck-Shoulder-Scapular-Ribcage-Super-Fun-Party-of-Hurty-Doom.).
In s010, Kali, Eris, and Saraswati changed all that. HOLY FUCKING OFF THE CHARTS SPIRITUAL COSMIC INSIGHT FUCKERY, BAT MAN! Patterns! Bursts! Power! It knocked me off my rocker, really. I’ve written about a lot of it, but this year it’s been my privilege and honor to see and experience everything that had thus far eluded me.
It’s been DIVINE COSMIC OVERLOAD for me off and on all year long. In November I finally had to say “Please… I know this is good, but it’s just too much for me”. Kali didn’t hear me, of course. Apparently, I needed to ride it out.
My religion is one of experience. I experience my gods, rather than worship them. I don’t need rigid religious structure to do it. I don’t even need a book of shadows when every act in relation to the gods is a sacred act of devotion. I didn’t see it before. Over the last year, I’ve allowed my spiritual and magickal practices to flourish organically and naturally, rather than forcing them by reading a lot of Pagan, witchcraft, and metaphysical books. I know the basics already, so why not let the rest fall into place? And it did! Instead of seeing rituals or magickal workings as a needed burden as I did before, they are enjoyable and meaningful things that happen when they need to happen. I don’t schedule them. They are spontaneous. I don’t need to petition the gods any longer. I don’t have to wait for them to appear. When they appear or call, I follow my intuition and do what they ask.
It can be an act as simple as rearranging an altar, leaving a beautiful stone on my favorite tree in the cemetery, lighting incense, saying a prayer, giving an offering, or performing a devotional ritual to that god. It’s Good Chaos… I let it happen without the rigidity of structure, and for me it’s far better.
I no longer feel the need to join a coven or follow a book in order to practice my religion. I simply practice. If it feels right, it probably is. I’ve come to know the Hindu gods well through this. They are colorful, vital, energetic, living gods who also have a deep current of philosophical insight that I don’t find in other pantheons. I relate to them. They are part of me. I am humbled and grateful. It’s never been like this with the Neteru, the Greek pantheon, or even Persephone or Our Lady of Chaos- Eris Kallisti Discord. They are MUCH stronger when they want something, and MUCH nicer about giving you what you need.
I needed Kali, even though I didn’t enjoy the process. I needed to go through here to get here. Special K. Fuck man. Watch out if she calls you. It will be painful at first, but you’ll see it’s for the best. Kali is my Death, Tower, and Justice all wrapped up in one dark package.
Saraswati peered through a break in the clouds and gave me the patterns. She is my Hierophant. She has the blue and gold of Sophia, but is more gentle and refined. She uses subtly to communicate. She is consciousness in a more evolved form. Music, art, learning, reading, wisdom… These are the products of culture that stems from consciousness. We’d be lost without them. Through her, I also discovered the beauty, bounty, and potential of the Universe. She inspired a fascination with cosmology and quantum physics that I never had before. I am a tiny cog in this big universe, but to understand that? To be equipped with the consciousness to see it for what it is? Amazing.
Tara drifted in gently. Lakshmi gave me the best summer I’ve had in years. She is really my patron goddess. People don’t always associate prosperity with comfort and leisure, but they are vital parts. Through Lakshmi, I enjoy the simple bounties of the life I have. I love her for it. She is the reason we’ve had good luck with the whole house thing. Ganesh is always at the forefront. Lakshmi has come to me whenever I need to relax and enjoy life and the process. There is plenty of plenty. Just chill, and revel in it. She is my Empress.
Tara is my Star.
Tara is quiet still, but she wants a presence. I don’t know what it means yet, but I am confident that I will soon. (I realize that she’s not technically a part of the Hindu pantheon, but there is enough overlap between the Hindu and Tibetan Buddhist pantheons to assuage any worries or doubts I have.)
Conveniently enough, none of them have left. I’m getting dribs and drabs of Durga and Parvati, but I don’t know if I am at the point where they’ll come to the forefront. Maybe, maybe not, but at least I see it and am ready. I’m excited to meet and get to know new gods now. I’ve gotten accustomed to it, and I think feeling at home within a pantheon is how it’s done. It makes me wonder why Persephone persists, but I don’t question the Lady too much. It’s better not too. I’ve seen her Death Face. I’d rather not see it again if I have a choice in the matter.
2010 was an amazing year of breaking down barriers, obstacles, and seeing the Patterns for what they are. Kali gave me another go-round, ending up in me stumbling upon my life’s purpose… Balancing Chaos and Order. It’s everything. These days, I can look around me and see Chaos or Order in everything. I can gauge my behavior accordingly. I have a little bit of control over plunging into darkness, or restricting myself to the point of panic. I see that my jokes about my OCD are not really jokes at all. I see that I have a problem to overcome. I see that I can conquer it. Kali gave me something very important this year.
I also got to know Shiva/Shakti a little bit, which is kind of sexy and cool. I hope they come back, because they’re quite interesting.
She always arrives as soon as Persephone leaves for the Underworld. I always perform a ritual to Persephone on or around Samhaim, in honor of her descent. It’s sort of a mini-Eleusinian Mysteries without the all the good, fun drugs. She always ends her reign of terror when the holidays begin. I usually experience quiet for a few months afterwards, till Saraswati/Sophia rouses me from my slumber in late winter to early spring.
But… not this year! I’ve had soft pricklings from White Tara, and gently swirling sweetness from Kwan Yin. I already wrote about that.
Kwan Yin is Divine Love that is made possible through consciousness. Durga is more the primal, protective, animalistic type of love. Kali is the dark mother whose love is always tough love. Lakshmi is the provider mother. Saraswati is the teaching mother. Tara is the… well… She is The Mother.
I’m starting the year in an unusual way. Instead of sleeping, I am very much ON. Lakshmi is stronger than usual, partially due to the new house and impending IKEA trips and decorating that will ensue. Lakshmi comes to me through textiles, colors, patterns, and anything beautiful. Saraswati has hinted that during her time, she’ll not disappoint. She doesn’t usually come on strong until February, when we get a lot of rain. I feel her most when the sky is grey and marked with sun beaming through thinning patches of clouds. Ganesh is back on the attack, helping to make things happen. Kali is quiet, but she had a hell of a month in November.
I begin this year feeling capable, comfortable, confident, loved, and ready for what comes next.
I chose this life for a reason. I may not know the reason, but it’s no longer important. I’m going to make the best of my time here. I’ve wasted much of my life tying myself to rules, or letting myself be swallowed by the darkness that I seem to enjoy wallowing in.
No more. I’m done with that. I can move on and I can move forward. The potential and possibilities are percolating and resonating.
My gods have given me this. This is what I wanted. I’ll gleefully tear down my altars and build newer, better ones. I’ll smoke weed, and enjoy the divine show. I’ll write and organize these experiences in order to process them. I’ll perform rituals, make offering, and do magickal workings because I enjoy doing them and the results that they yield. I’ll make my new home a home of magick, warmth, love, and comfort.
I am able to do these things because of what I’ve done before, both good and bad.
With love, gratitude, and reverence… to all the gods who’ve helped and to all those who will help…
This philosophuckery loving Erisian Witch, balancer of Chaos and Order, devotée of Persephone, called by the Neteru yet sustained by the Hindu Pantheon… Who uses the tools she is given a curious mind, the ability to write, weed, a sensitivity to energy, tarot, magick, a need to create, a deep love of design, a reverence for Nature and the Universe, and the Hierophantical ability to organize it all in a way that makes sense… Who may not have all the answers, but knows which answers are right for her…
I simply say… Thank You.
The journey has been worth it. I’d not change a thing.
Namaste, Bishes! Legalize it! Hail Eris!
To the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” (the part that goes “RA RA RA AH AH AH, ROMA RO MA MA, GAGA OOH LA LA”) I say… Kali Kali Ma, Jai Ma Namaha, Kali Kali Ma, Jai Ma Namaha.
I drink wine for Saraswati. She likes that wine making is an art, and it’s quite complex. The rich, deep, subtle notes of a nice cab evoke her for me.
I drink orange juice for Lakshmi. It’s a sweet, simple pleasure that I only enjoy when sitting down for a good breakfast. It’s symbolic of a time of plenty. She reminds me to enjoy the bounty I’ve worked so hard for.
To Ganesh, I say… Ganesh, Ganesh… My friend… Ganesh! You are awesome, and I love you! To Persephone, I dust her altar, and leave her to her darkness until Ostara.
To Tara, I revere her simply and truly, and I wait.
To Kwan Yin, I am simply in awe of how simple yet vital her presence is. It’s the piece of the puzzle that I’ve been missing. For Kwan Yin, I’m looking for garden statuary. She is a goddess that I can leave out in the presence of the MunDanish. She is non- threatening. She is a way to be more open about my spirituality, without divulging too many of my secrets.
To Eris, I’m leaving her icon on a piece of selenite. Since I’ve been doing that, things have been better. It leaves room for Kwan Yin to flourish, and her more destructive tendencies are kept in check. Her more positive aspects like her playfulness, inventiveness, sense of humor, wild bursts of sudden creativity and insight, and her way of evoking needed change in times of Bad Order are all important for me. I’ve found out how to control her presence.
We’re linked for life, Eris and I. She is the first god of any kind who called me. She’s just unpredictable.
I am thankful for this life. Fuck the ones that have come before.
So thank you. That is all.