Forbidden Fruitiness: What *Really* Happened in Bum F*cked Eden

Forbidden Fruitiness: What *Really* Happened in Bum F*cked Eden


GenEris 3:1-7

Now Eris was more crafty than any of the wild animals that Yaweh told everyone else he’d made. It was totally like him to run his mouth about something that he had absolutely nothing to do with. He could be such an arrogant twat-waffle sometimes! She said to the woman, “Did that punk-ass egomaniac really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the goddess, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'”

“You will not surely die,” Eris said to the woman. “That crazy old coot knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be all awesome and shit like me, knowing all there is to know about Chaos and Order. Order is totally super-boring as fuck. Chaos is much more fun, and usually involves strong drinks and good drugs.”

“And what of the other apples that grow on the tree? What of those apples?” The woman asked the goddess, much more confused than she’d been before.

“Well… ” The goddess thought for a moment. She was in the mood for dressing up a mime and taking a troupe of midget interpretive dancers to go eat some Himalayan food, but she thought she’d be nice for once and answer this poor sap’s question. Damn that Yaweh! He was forever toying with humans with his own brand of inspired Divine Fuckery. It wasn’t her problem, but she was feeling benevolent of late due to adding more flax to her diet. How much flax? Five tons of that shit! FIVE TONS OF FLAX CAUSES SKID MARKS IN YOUR SLACKS!

Miss Mary MACK-MACK-MACK… All dressed in SLACKS-SLACKS-SLACKS… With silver BUTTHOLES-BUTTHOLES-BUTTHOLES… Down her CRACK-CRACK-CRACK…

The goddess motioned towards a shiny dark red apple that dangled from the tree.”This one is for knowing about Good and Evil. Supposedly it increases knowledge of both.” She then pointed at a rather tart looking green apple. “You see that green one over there? It’s the apple of Creation and Destruction. You make cool shit, and then it all goes KABLOOOOOOWEEE. Take a bite, and learn all about it. Oh… and see that sort of yellow bad-boy up there towards the top? Light vs. Darkness… Seriously heavy shit. That’s one trip I wouldn’t advise. It’s totally wild, but a total buzz kill.”

The goddess smiled and rubbed the golden apple in her hand with a slightly wicked gleam in her eye. “So… Lady… Do you have a name? I took poured Nyquil on my mashed potatoes this morning, and it’s effecting my ability to recall the names of naked strangers asking crazy-assed questions about my orchard.”

“I am called Eve” the woman replied.

“Well… Eve… Do you mind if I call you Steve?” Eris casually tossed her apple in the air, and caught it behind her back without even skipping a beat.

“Steve?” The woman was confused, which didn’t surprise the Goddess. Eris was delighted that someone decided to take a naked stroll through the Garden of Eatin’, but this chick seemed a bit dumb to be quite honest. Eris scanned the orchard for the woman’s helmet. It would make a great handbasket for her next trip to Hellish Hades Below. Persephone was supposed to have a dinner party in a few weeks, and the goddess enjoyed accessorizing.

“Yes, Steve. Your name is now Steve.” The goddess amused herself. All beings ought to be named Steve! STEVE POWER FOREVER! Yay STEVE!

The woman looked blankly at her still, confused, but in an annoying way rather than in the good way. “Why are there so many apples?” she asked, motioning towards the multitude of apples in every shade of red, green, pink, yellow, and gold imaginable.

The goddess was annoyed. She hated it when people ignored the BEST apple on the tree… The golden one that read “Kallisti”. Humans and their questions were annoying. Just do. Just be. Who gives a flying tranny’s banana hammock about the other crappy apples?

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!

“They’re for lot’s of things. I only know a few of them, because I honestly just don’t care. For every conflict out there, there is an apple to tell your sweet pantsless ass ALLLLLLLLL about it.” The goddess paused.

“How do you like them apples, STEVE?”

Eve/Steve looked grimly at the apple tree, and wanly at the goddess.

Adam was wrong to suggest that they move here. Selling their condo to move to Bum Fucked Eden?! They could have rented it out, and maybe done some traveling, but NOOOOOOOOO… Adam wanted to move here to live in paradise and do nothing but chat with Yahweh, admire the wildlife, and partake in some rather ho-hum outdoor sex.”Babe… we can go wild like animals!” He’d exclaimed. What a naive fool he was…

Eve/Steve knew for a fact that they’d just been punked. Where was the pool? The conveniently located dry-cleaners? The luxury accommodations?

No… Instead they were naked in a garden where there was some crazy red-head babbling about apples calling her “Steve”.

She knew that Snake was right. They should have moved to Seattle.

“Goddess… I don’t really care for apples. I’m going to go see if I can’t find the bananas. Thanks for the… whatever that was” Eve/Steve backed away from the Tree of Apples & Mysteries & Other Useful Stuff.

As she walked off, she heard the goddess singing in the background, growing fainter and fainter with each step…

“Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone! Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding donanaphone! Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!”

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