This post from the lovely Submerina got me to thinking about my various online personas, and how they do act as muses or conduits for me in a lot of different ways. In some ways, these screen names and personas that we develop are very real parts of ourselves, but they usually aren’t who we are. I can say that I am Eris Hilton… The foul-mouthed yet witty Erisian Witch, Indo-Pagan, Tarotista, Casual Mystic, and Cannabitch. These are all parts of me. My practice and the need to understand my experiences fuel my muse to write. Here, I’ve been quite honest, yet I still feel as if this idea of an Eris Hilton is simply another current of my muse, drifting along, taking me to my next destination. This persona has a purpose. It is me at my best and craziest. It is me going farther out than I am comfortable. It is me exploring the unknown landscape with humor and blessed chemicals.
I know who I am. I am not defined by my many muses. I am propelled by them. Being more creatively inclined, and being an Erisian in every tiny fragment of bone, strand of hair, and drop of blood in my being… My muses, when they come out in some online persona or through some creative work (like drawing or writing), are always some way to express that creativity. I cannot express myself through the work alone. I need the muse to get it all out. Muses are good for more than just creative things to. I don’t hear voices, but I feel a certain something with each of them. It’s unique and it’s different. Some run their course, while others are part of me permanently. I’d like to take a look at my lovely musey ladies in some attempt to understand them better.
My muses also come out in my clothing choices. For those who know me and my closet well, this should come as no surprise.
I lack a muse for finishing any project, no matter how good. Perhaps that’s where Good Order and Comfortable Control are most valuable.
Let’s see what they have to say…
SJ… The Muse of Intellectual Martyrdom- This is one that I can’t talk much about, because there is just too much here. Easiest way I can put it, SJ is a character from a story I wrote when I was rather young. Somehow she’s always stuck with me as some sort of intellectual muse. She calmly accepts a life of study in preparation for the day when she must know all of the answers and will have no choice but to use them. SJ isn’t a very inspiring muse, but she’s dutiful. She does what is right, even if it means sacrificing everything. She has a burning need to know, to understand, to plot, to detail, to describe, to read to learn… She is my best expression of the Hierophant within myself. SJ never tires. She never stops. I can never finish her story. I’ve wanted to for many years, but I still don’t know where else to take it. She’s a bit of a quiet martyr, that one. She’ll keep studying and reading, even though she is nowhere near close. She doesn’t have time for me to finish her story, and maybe since i have more to learn, I never will. She is a reflection of the serious, no-bullshit, intellectual side of my Erisian Muses.
Daizy Jane Haze… The Muse of Good Vibes & Bright Bright Sunshiny Days– Dear Gods… You knew I had to have a stinky hippie muse all up in that shit, right? GAH. I don’t think I ever did much with her, other than listen to lots of the Grateful Dead and Bob Marley. I was sort of in a late Grunge, latent hippie phase. I adored it. I felt unburdened, being young, optimistic yet lazy. I drifted like happy leaf floating and swirling down a bubbling, sunny brook. La-la-la! Redemption Song! Iron-Lion-Zion! Ohhhhhh… I could take this fabric with the suns on it, and applique them to my china flats! Yay! Daizy is a lovely muse… Things just kind of rolled and flowed in a lovely bliss-zen-bubble. Reality? Meh. I drifted from interest to interest, with my Birkenstocks constantly getting caught in my broomstick skirts. I made funny little cartoons with dancing turtles, talking flowers, and sarcastic stars. I took up cross-stitch, and became rather good at it. I became obsessed with wall-paper books. College? Job? Car? Reality? Daizy wasn’t interested. It was my first break from the serious oppression/depression cycle of Bad Order that kind of ruined high school for me. It was my first glimps of Good Chaos! I did shave and bathe. This may come as a shock to some of you, but… I never even knew that Mary Jane and I would become such good friends!
Soleia… The Muse of Shitty Goth Girl Poetry- Pathetic sad goth, witchy, wanna-be gypsy muse. It was sort of a transition from Daizy Haze’s innocent la-la-la-la meanderings and into a very dark place. The only things Soleia inspired as a muse were contemplation, gypsy goth fashion choices, repeated listening to Nick Cave and the saddest of Smiths songs, and lot’s of shitty goth-girl poetry. Ugh. I had some mystical inclinations stirring here, but she just wasn’t the muse for it. She was serious, yet sad. Angry. Broody. Dripping with resentment and despair. She’s the angry break-up muse! The poetry… Man… so crappy… “Fumbling in the darkness , mired in doubt, by the beauty that I live without”. Ugh. Frankly, Mr. Shankly…
Happy Little Trees… The Muse of Oddly Strange Yet Fanciful Delights of Creative Whimsy- This was a fun muse! After Bob Ross, of course. She was all online… I sort of found myself being able to really express my often twisted and misunderstood sense of humor through writing, Sure, it was mostly emails back and fourth to online friends, but I discovered my voice. My voice. My real voice, or at least the strongest and best voice I have. Happy Little Trees is bouncy, quirky, funny, lively, sociable, chattery, and she loves to dance, drink, and go out of her way to let people know… “Hey! I’m weird! I’m an art nerd! I am really weird! And it is sooooooooo awesome! Woohoo!”. I’m too cynical and jaded to capture even a little bit of the HLT enthusiasm and GLEE too much these days. I glorified in being the weird art girl. My cartoons changed from cute and endearing to quirky, and actually quite hilarious (so I’m told… I just had fun making them. I wish my ex-BFF with Benes hadn’t run off with them. Dickpants face!). I think I had to find a place in the world that wasn’t Hippie or Goth. I wasn’t as pretty or thin as my girlfriends, so I made do with letting my personality do all the work. Happy Little Trees is just as bad as Daizy Haze when it comes to obligations, rules, and order. HLT is a nearly-manic genius though! I didn’t create much of note, but I had ideas. Big ideas. Lovely ideas. HLT is truly the Knight of Wands for me, with all of the best and most destructive parts. I discovered design during all of this crazy art nerdage, drinking, fucking, and partying. I fell in love more than once. I broke hearts. I was alive.
It was the best time of my life, until now. It had it’s dark parts… The Shitty Goth Poetry Muse was still around when my ego got crushed by some stupid boy or some bad critique. She didn’t stay for long. HLT loves Iggy Pop, David Bowie, and ANYTHING LOUD AND AWESOME AND AWESOME SOUNDING!!! WHOOHOOO!!!! I GOT A LUST FOR LIFE!
Miss Expresso… The Muse of Numbing Pain with Creative Silence- This was a bad muse. She’s depressed, but has no real reason to be. She writes long, contemplative prose. She mires herself in the minutia to protect herself from the GLORIOUS VALVE OF HAPPY LITTLE TREES that was cruelly cut-off when I dropped out of design school, got married, and moved all the way across the country. Miss Expresso was a shitty muse. She reflected my situation. Nothing created. No ideas. I struggled. I first began to deal with chronic pain at this point, and the crushing fatigue that came with it. I was away from my family and friends. I was away from that which made me feel most alive… creating. Design. School. I blogged a lot, but I had no audience. I shopped a lot. I developed bad habits I am still trying to overcome. She was a numb, dull muse for a dark time. Thankfully, it passed. I became a better writer for it. I dressed really boring too because I had to go and get a “real” job. I wore blazers for the first time. I wanted to kill my closet. She listens to lot’s of Belle & Sebastian. That’s some pretty fucked-up shit right there.
Heidiland… The Muse of Good Chaos & Comfortable Control- Ahhh…. I’ve got to get my ass back to Heidiland, I am afraid. When I went back to finish school, I started a design blog under the name Heidiland. The name amused me, and I felt that writing was a good way to channel my process in a good, creative kind of a way. I knew that I needed an outlet to express and write as a way to keep myself on track. HLT is my Erisian Ubermensch. SJ is pure wisdom, intellect, and order. I just wrote. I felt more like myself again. I remembered that I was funny. The ideas came not in a gush, but in a beautifully even flow. They flowered, bloomed, and lived on. I returned to my design classes with a new sense of direction and purpose. I surprised a lot of people. Heidiland is me at my very best… Creative yet organized. Well-researched, yet not afraid to take that research in an unexpected way. Funny yet real. I enjoyed the Heidiland muse in ways I still miss. I wasn’t really alone. In school, I had a lot of people who liked my work and wanted to work with me. Many of whom I still consider dear, possibly even life-long friends. As I blogged, I became part of a community of people who enjoyed what I was doing as much as I enjoyed doing it. It felt like a perfect balance of everything. I was creatively (chaos) and intellectually (order) in a rare moment of Mastery. Heidiland, as a muse, is me at my very best in all possible ways. Heidiland wears jeans, hoodies and Chucks… or she wears fab heels. Heidiland is the muse who can do it all, and can wear it all. Heidiland is a connoisseur of good music. She likes many, many, many indie bands and can live with the fact that you’ve never heard of them, and don’t share the same enthusiasm. Her secret shame is that she likes the same music as hipsters.
Heidiland faded during a dark and museless hour, when I couldn’t get a design job and ended up going into finance. I am beginning to feel like I am getting back to Heidiland, despite not being in design. And yes… Heidiland did find the ganjuana helpful.
Haidee Lux… The Muse of Wicca 101- Ugh. I got a spiritual ass kicking, and this is the muse that cropped up. Lot’s of reading. Lot’s of pondering. Lot’s of “I can’t mix pantheons! I can’t do this! I can’t seem to meet any other pagans! I can’t! I can’t”. Ugh. Boring muse. Very ineffective. It was more of a seeker muse, I suppose. I was a pagan. I did practice some magick. I was just pulling myself out of a very dry spell. “Let it rain, motherfuckers!”, says the seeker.
Auntie Christ… The Muse of Wordplay & Multiple Sarcasms- I love Auntie. I love Auntie. She is my mean-mean-mean muse! I enjoy the experience, because if I have a fault, it’s that I’m too nice. Auntie Christ is my Evil Eris side. Snarky, self-contradictory, ever-witty, astute, yet educated enough to back up the snark-fuckery. Auntie is my religious forum muse. If any of you R&S’ers find this shit, I apologize. Auntie Christ is not an atheist… she just plays one on TV. Auntie Christ is a pagan, but will admit that a lot of what she believes is bullshit. Auntie Christ has a snappy come-back to everything. Auntie Christ is cranky, yet on occasion reveals some heart behind the snark. Auntie Christ is often mistaken for a troll. Auntie Christ loves that. Auntie is the muse that protects the more enlightening aspects of my spiritual path with a shield of sparkling wit, lulz, and occasional moments of great insight. I mostly used this persona/muse in a certain online spiritual/religious community known for it’s trolls and lulz. I’ve made some great friends through Auntie Christ as a muse. Auntie isn’t a creative muse, as much as she is an empowering muse. I’ve protected what means the most, yet learned to express who I am and what I believe. I can say it. I have a voice. Auntie gave me that! Auntie prefers vintage. Very fab. Very Audrey Hepburn, Brigitte Bardot.
Eris Hilton… The Muse of The Auntie Christ… on Weed! Eris Hilton as a muse is Auntie Christ with a good infusion of Daizy Haze, Heidiland, and a twinge of HLT thrown in. It’s a blend of all my muses in all their good. I see a little bit of Expresso pandering at times (when I get whiney or go on and on and on about something LAME and BORING). Eris Hilton likes all the same bands that the muse Heidiland does, but seems to play way too much Matisyahu for no apparent reason.
So… wow. That’s a lot of stuff there. It’s good. It’s interesting. I’m seeing a lot here. If anything, I am the sum of my parts, the muses are distinct yet part of me. I create in all that I do, and the muses merely light the way. Usually.