I’m really tired of posting all this philosophuckery and nonsense. It seems I can’t sit down to write without getting wrapped up in my own little Kali Yuga of CRAZY. I’m getting worn out. So much for keeping things simple, eh? I feel compelled, and I don’t really know why. Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before…
I don’t claim to know anything about the Great Mysterious Mysteries.
I’ve stared into the abyss a number of times, and while I’m not afraid of it, I don’t understand it at all.
Kali stares back, and it’s chilling yet comforting.
It’s not easy to voluntarily stand in front of it and say "I know this is neccessary if I’m ever going to grow or change for the better. Let me have it, and… fuck you!". You have to fight for the light. There isn’t enough of it, so you have to throw yourself to the wolves at times. This is where I envy fluffy bunnies. Perhaps they don’t need to make the sacrifice. Before Kali, you really do end up sacrificing a little bit of your ego. It’s inevitable. It’s humbling. My MunDanish problems are really pretty insignificant. I’m not saying I have any profound spiritual insights on anything. Through devotion to Kali, and my increasing comfort with it, I’ve obtained useful information that seems to be helping me.
I have inklings that drift into the periphery of my funny little mind, but they’re little more than that. Sure, I could try to unravel them and beat them into a pulp, trying to reverse engineer them into some kind of rational sense. Yeah, I could do that, but it’s a waste of energy. No… The biggest, baddest, and brightest comes in a pop, a snap, and a crackle. When it’s real, the answers come easily. I have to work at it though. You have to do the work that doesn’t work in order for the answers to come easily when the time is right. I believe that. Even though the answers seem so simple when I finally get to them, I know it would not have happened without giving something up. It’s how you come to terms with all of this. This Universe. This world. This life. This everything. You have to stare directly at Kali in the Darkness and say "Okay, Ma. I don’t understand. So I’m here to learn what you have to show me."
Giving yourself over to Special K is scary proposition. As I’ve said before, it happens to me every November. It must have something to do with the cold and dark creeping up, and Persephone heading for a scenic Underworld vacation destination. For me, Kali comes in a great and mighty surge. The useless and worthless things I’ve collected over the year are cruelly and painfully purged, making the way for newer and better ideas and insights.This year was… fuck. This hasn’t been the worst month of my life, but I’ve spent most of November raw, bleeding, and bruised in every imagineable way. Emotionally and physically, but not spiritually. I also have figured out my shit, as it were, and I feel significantly more empowered than before.
Kali wants no altars, and isn’t a fan of images. I have a small statue that she tolerates, only because I give her small offerings from time to time. I don’t feel as if she demands them, or is even interested in them. Large statues of Kali are a rare find, and I don’t think that’s unintentional. Not like my other Divinities of Choice. I wonder if they like me because I love making a big show of it all? Kali isn’t like the others. She is darker. More primal. Ancient. More deeply rooted in some ancient aspect of the cosmos that I don’t think any of us can fully grasp.
I came up with a theory when I was blazed out of my gourd. I might have written it down. I probably didn’t. Something about the dark matter of the universe (yes, it’s a scientific fact of science that we don’t fully understand all this icky goo in the center of the universe) being some naturally inevitable force that is part of the Universe’s pattern of Creation/Destruction. As the Universe expands and contracts, the icky black goo of nothingness will eventually snuff us out. Stephen Hawking probably could get all sciency with it, but that’s my interpretation. Kali is Time. Consciousness is rather special, I think. Not uncommon, but precious all the same. Time allows us to continually create, grow, develop and change. Sure the Universe’s Icky Black Ink of Doom could have snuffed us out when we were little Ape-Kids, but it didn’t. Kali is what keeps the darkness at bay. She reflects that which is bad, broken and destructive within ourselves. We’re able to fix that, individually and as a whole. She reveals, and doesn’t judge. The darker we are, the closer we are to destroying ourselves. Again, individually and as a whole. It’s small and personal, and big and huge. The Universe doesn’t discriminate. It has a job to do… to explode, create, implode and start all over again. Kali gives us a chance to beat the clock.
We’ll figure out what all that dark matter is. I promise you, we will. Humans are amazingly clever. Consciousness is a fickle muse, but we work pretty well with what we have, creating and destroying in the material world. Kali protects us from the worst, but gives us the right kick in the ass when the timing and the opportunity is right. In the Big Bad Macrocosm, Humanity has a lot to learn, but… I have a lot of hope for us. It just won’t be easy.
In the little personal microcosm, I think there is a lot of hope for me. It hasn’t been easy. For me, understanding patterns is vital. If I understand how they work, I can bend them, break them, and use them to my advantage instead of being swallowed. You’d be surprised at all the places Chaos and Order duke it out for me.
Kali is protective to a point… but if you must walk the coals in order to transform, she has no problem with giving you a nice little push. Having the others around softens your fall. You have good things awaiting you on the other side of the fire pit. Kali doesn’t demand a sacrifice so much as she prompts you to make the sacrifice for yourself. It is more meaningful that way. More real. More true.
If these are mysteries, kindly let me know. I know only that they are the ramblings of a highly-creative and philosophical-to-a-fault pot head, in search of peace and meaning. I laugh at the crap I come up with, and then I wonder where the hell half it came from. I never got this kind of stuff sitting in a church pew. Suck it, Yahweh! I’m bypassing you all the way, and going right to the source. I’m buying my enlightenment wholesale directly from the manufacturer, rather than finding it in the "Free Crap" bin at Big Lots. I’m still skeptical, of course. I am skeptical of everything, but I won’t let that bar me from having the experience. Maybe that’s the best place to be.
Also, I need a sandwich. I am fucking starving.