It’s recently come to my attention that I’ve been a lazy ass about maintaining this lovely blog.
Life got very complicated over the summer.
My grandma passed away, which brought on some unexpected stresses and lingering sadness.
I started studying for a horrible licensing exam for work… and I failed miserably. I retest in a few months, and will be fine.
Some things have been shuffled around in my office, making me busier. It hasn’t been bad, but it’s left me with much less time.
Mr. Hilton and I decided to buy a house, and are going through all of that lovely bullshit right now. Still looking. Trying to narrow it down.
I dieted and failed. Twice. And then I did it again!
I’ve been quite hurty all over. Bad flair-ups with stupid chronic conditions whose very mention bores me to shreads.
I’m still rollin’ with the Hindu pantheon, with few nods to Anubis, Persephone, Eris, and Tara. I feel like I’ve found my spiritual “home” in them, even though my practice is still quite eclectic. “Do what works, but don’t be a show off” is sort of how things go.
All in all… It’s been the Tower.
I didn’t read for almost two months. Usually I’ll have streaks during the year where I don’t read for three or four months, and that’s actually pretty normal for me. Yet over the last year and a half, I’ve barely taken a break at all. Sure, I still gave my gods a shout out pretty regularly, and a little bit of magick might have occurred, but it’s pretty much been a wasteland. When I need to focus on the Greyface Space, the MunDanish world of procedure and protocal backed with necessary paperwork… My sacred Chaos go fallow and implode on their own weight. It’s cyclical, of course. My mind requires a lot of TLC and THC when needing to be in Greyface mode for so long.
Well… I don’t think that my increased medical cannabis consumption should be at all responsible for my drop off in activity. That’s probably a lie, but it’s a lie I believe. It’s been a rough couple of months, and I find that I don’t enjoy it when I need it more. I’d rather enjoy it and not need it. Still, I often have profound spiritual experiences with the stuff. I can’t breakthrough the veil in any other way… Well… I can, but it’s really not the same. It’s like it automatically takes my consciousness up to a higher level, and it’s simply a clearer connection.
I know it sounds crazy… I’ve made my peace with that. I don’t know why it happens. It’s still disconcerting to me. I embrace that it is what it is. It’s not a bad thing. I see more than I can explain or understand.
If anything, navigating without tarot, I’ve been presented with a mirror of sorts. I see more now than I used to. I don’t know if I like what I see.
Yet it hasn’t been all bad. Stark realizations about who I am and what makes me tick have been revealed to me. I understand the chaos/order compulsion within myself much better. I understand it well enough to know that I may have a real problem. I have a terrible need for order, yet a strange ability to turn a blind eye to chaos. If that’s not fucked up, then I don’t know what is. I never thought that OCD might be a term that would apply to me in a real way, yet I see now how wrong I was. I’m working through that in my own way. It’s a deeper philosophical problem for me.
Eris, as a goddess whose presence is quite real, is everything that I don’t like about myself while simultaneously being everything I like the most. I’ve said it before… “<Enter name of Goddess Here> is how I’d like to be. Eris is who I really am.” We have an unhealthy relationship, yet… I just can’t seem to get enough. I have to take the good with the bad if I want to roll with the homies in the Kallistimobile. Yet there is something that I can do to bring them together.
I know for a fact that none of these breakthroughs would have happened without time, tarot, writing, and Sour Diesel.
Shall I read on this? No. Not today.
I don’t want to turn my back on something that is really good for me. I want to keep seeing whatever it is that They want to show me.
The good part of all this? I feel a kind of peace. I don’t need to search so hard to find the answers. They truly are right here. Because I’ve found a pantheon that I connect with, the work is more worthwhile. I’m picking up books to enjoy them, not so much to unravel them. I am sated in a way. I’d like to do more magick, but some part of me just doesn’t need to.
There is always good with the bad, and I’ll take whatever They will give me.