You know… I really hate the Tower.
I’m thinking that by setting my goal to learn something to apply to my diet by going through a member of the Major Arcana each day, I am somehow making that same card manifest itself throughout the day in a very real way. If I’d pulled The Sun today, I wonder how different it would have been?
I’m feeling dipped in shit and kicked in the biscuits about now because I overdid the carbs today. Not too bad, but enough to feel ooky. My hunger and appetite was all over the map today. Some foods that I normally like tasted bad (like my heavily doctored medifast cappuchino crap). I was hungry, but it was definitely more of an emotional, knawing, angry, bored hungry. It was a little bit like PMS BLOOD SUGAR RAGE hungry, which is very Towersque. I got fake morning sickness again this morning, for no reason.
Blah… Blah… Blah…
I’m right about sick of hearing me go on.
I’m jumping of the roof of the Tower now. I’ll see you guys when I reach the bottom, if I don’t perish in the fall.
Isn’t it not like The Tower to urge me to give up? To throw in the towel, for no other reason than the fact that I’m tired. I’m tired of giving eating mindfully so much damn attention, rather than going for what is convenient to grab so I don’t pass out. I’m tired of writing about it and talking about it.
I didn’t cheat today. I didn’t binge. Score two points for me.
I wanted to. I pushed it a bit more than a normal day. Score two points for the Demon Monkey Back Beast.
I believe we are at an impasse. Like the Tower, I can’t go back to where I was before. I can only move forward. Change is not easy, nor should it be. The Tower is CHANGE, at its most urgent, needed, chaotic, and necessary. The Tower burns as if struck by a chance catastrophe, but I don’t think that’s always true. The Tower’s destruction seems almost purposeful to me. Inevitable. The walls are burned and torn down to make way for the new. There is no land around it to burn (in most RWS style decks, any ways). The rubble can only sink into the sea. For quite some time, I’ve thought that since water is quite possibly the catalyst and/or basis for Earth’s amazing array of living creatures (the science dudes said so!), we don’t really seem to give it its due. Water is regenerative and creative… The rubble from the destroyed Tower can be made into something else. Different? Maybe. Better? Maybe… or maybe not. The important thing to keep in mind is that it’s simply part of the cycle.
You can either burn or jump off the roof, hoping and praying that you won’t hit the waves too hard.
It’s a choice.
To move forward, I have to jump. So… this is me jumping. Almost. I’m still standing on the ledge with flames nipping at my back. In light of all this, I’ve done well today.
The Tower has unexpectedly been the most personal to me throughout all this. I would have laughed if you told me that this morning. But I see it very clearly. I’m not sure if I am ready to jump, but I am going to have to.
The image is very clear, sharp, and vivid in my mind. I know without a doubt that I might have to do some pathworky shaman shit. I don’t really enjoy shamanic journeying. It tends to make me feel very tired and energetically drained, whereas experiences involving gods is quite the opposite. Perhaps the frequency of the gods is just a bit more crisp. At any rate, I need to unravel this and I can’t think of any other place to start.
So, I’m going to have the do a pathworking with The Tower.
Yeah. Not looking forward to it. Not at all. But, change is necessary. I can’t put it off for long, if I want to make these good habits longterm.
Man… I’m so fucked!