Yeah, I’m having diet struggles again… Bah… I’ve been a bit lazy tarot wise. Not really feeling it, but the hot weather tends to make me tired and listless. I hadn’t done a larger spread in a while, and I felt compelled to this morning. I found a Weight Issue/Body Image spread on the Aeclectic forums, and thought Nutsy Tara and should give it a try. I finally got a case for the deck, and her attitude has improved exponentially since. I was about to spring for a Coach or Dooney wristlet, if I could find one the right size. I happened apon a cool old wallet in a black and brown swirly pattern that came with an old handbag. I cut the middle out, and added some gold pearlized beads to the dangle from the zipper. It’s the perfect size… nice and snug, doesn’t let the cards get bent or creased, provides a nice bit of padding… Perfect! (If I ever get off my lazy ass, I’ll post a pic. It turned out perfect!) So much better than a bag! Nutsy Tara isn’t impressed with bags, although my other decks lurve them.
So… Let’s read!
(1 > 3 => present situation)
1 – the querent’s figure now
I can see this… I mean, I am happy with my body for the most part, even though it’s not what society thinks of as healthy. I am in very good physical health, despite being overweight. Even though I struggle with chronic pain related conditions, my overall health is excellent. I am inbetween the happy-medium point and my heaviest. Dead center actually. I don’t feel too bad about it. I actually enjoy food more when I’m not dieting, and I enjoy stuff that’s good for you just as much as the junk. I think the Lovers is just blatantly pointing out my good areas that I like about myself, while glossing over my bad ones. And, dammit if I don’t partially agree. I could lose more, but it’s not dire or urgent. I’d rather just enjoy my life, and my ass-ets show that I certainly have. I am at a point though, where I must decide. I could do better, and the Angel in the background agrees.
2 – benefits of the current body appearance
5 of Wands
I am going to have to put an Erisian spin on this… This card has a funny, quirky spiritual connection for me. Conflict? Petty battles? Strife? Bickering? How can that possibly be good? I see it as these little battles within myself, small but at times powerful, are a good catalyst for change. I don’t accept what I don’t like, although the sun surely glosses the fuck over it doesn’t it? The 5 of Wands… YES! 5 for DISCORD! 5 for HIEROPHANTIENESS! I struggle to be more perfect, as a Single 5 is wont to do. Yet I also just want to give in to the food issue beasties that plague me. It’s easy to give in. It’s harder to fight. This 5 of Wands is really a catalyst for change. If I didn’t struggle, I’d be happy not to change. Yet I can do better… I can feel better. I want to. So, I fight. My body, while not perfect, is at the point where I either need to keep fighting the good fight or give in. The difference is, it’s over small things. My favorite expensive jeans feel tight. I want a chocolate chip cookie so bad that I could choke bitch. It’s not the big battles my body as it is now is fighting, it’s the little ones that crop up as a result. I see this as good, if I want to change things.
3 – negative aspects of the current body appearance
10 of Swords
Yeah, I can also get whiny and depressed about it. Oh, foul appetite beasties… Why must you foul me so? I get a bit dramatic in my martyrdom if I’m having a fat day. We’re talking sticky swords at every turn. I am also at the point weight wise where if things don’t change, I’ll only end up having more days like these, beating myself up for something I don’t think I know how to change, totally forgetting that I do have some power. I have power here, no matter how much I like to whine about it when I’m feeling like a fat depressed lump with swords sticking out of her back like a sad little archetypal porcupine. Do. Not. Want.
(4 > 9 => the problem)
4 – the main cause for weight gain
4 of Pents
I’m not sure on this one, but… Maybe I’ve been too greedy? I don’t see over-indulgence here as a generality, or in a social setting. I see it as something more private, solitary, and guarded. Yeah, I do have an eating disorder. I have a strange binge-diet excessively-bing-diet excessively cycle that I’ve tried to fight for years. I am not proud of it. The binge state of mind is terrible, and it is 10 of Swords to the hilt. I don’t think people really know, as I do keep it to myself. It is my shame. I see this 4 of Pents as keeping all the goodies for himself. When I binge, I eat alone and I eat too much. MINE. It’s probably also hinting at some weird possessive food issues that some of my family members have. Neither of which helps me.
5 – what the querent did/did not do to cause the weight gain
I didn’t consciously or actively cause it… It’s happening on a deeper level that I feel I have no access to. This Magician is frustrated that magick doesn’t work for me in regards to weight loss. The Kernal of Fuckery that’s constantly derailing me is something I can’t reach through usual means. I simply can’t control it through the usual means, which work amazingly well for me in other parts of my life.
6 – what the querent knows about the weight gain
Ace of Swords
I know I can fight it, and win for good. I just don’t know how.
7 – what the querent doesn’t know about the weight gain
5 of Pents
Another five, huh? Hail Eris! Apparently, for all my whining and posturing when I feel my worst, there are answers nearby in places I’ve never thought to look. And… they’re right under my nose! Hah! I keep looking for some new way to lose weight once and for all, and I always feel broken down and hopeless when it goes the way it always goes. It works for a while, but eventually I am back to Fight or Fat mode. So, it’s sitting right here in front of me. Nice to know… Wish I could see it. But, this is hopeful, at least.
8 – possible medical problems to have caused the weight gain
I seldom ever pull the Hermit. I get confused by him. Power Tarot says “Your health complaints are a physical manifestation of your search for the truth.” I don’t get it, Hermit. Am I making myself worse for continuing to struggle to beat the cycle? Fight or Fat is making me fatter? I don’t know.
9 – outcome if the present situation continues
2 of Swords
Nothing will change. I will remain locked in a battle between giving in, and growing fatter or fighting to the point of emotional and spiritual exhaustion. The Excessive Dieting part of the binge cycle fucks with my head at times. I become a very different person when I am raging with blood-sugar fueled hunger. If I don’t do something different or find whatever it is I’ve been missing… We’re just in for more of the same. Kind of like how I feel like I’ve done this spread before, and the answers were there, but I refused to see them.
(10 > 17 => solving the problem)
10 – first step to do before starting the treatment/diet/etc.
5 of Swords
Sabotage! I always liked that Beastie Boys song. There is a self-sabotage component of the Diet-Binge Fight or Fat cycle. Perhaps I need to address it in a different way. By sabotaging myself, what am I trying to accomplish? It’s almost like it happens outside of me, or I have no control over it. Oddly enough, with all these fives… I am thinking I might need to invoke someone whom I don’t normally invoke. I’ve invoked Eris once. It was strange, and a bit weird and icky. Something tells me Our Lady of Chaos has answers or ideas that might shake me out of my saboteur slump. Maybe I just need to have more fun.
11 – first action to take in fixing the problem
3 of Pents
I need help, and this is going to be a group effort, I’m afraid. I’m not keen on the idea of working in a group or with a group. I kind of like to keep my food issues to myself, thank you 4 of Pents! Perhaps that’s part of my problem. I won’t win the fight, unless I have a good army of allies on my side. I hadn’t considered that, really.
12 – (body) area(s) to focus on
8 of Wands
No specific areas to address, as long as I get them moving and quickly! Fucking Tredmill, you’ve won again… You smug bastard! Some part of me feels like running is somehow involved. I amble, saunter, and sashay, but run? Oh. I. Am. Fucked. But… Nutsy Tara is honest.
13 – for what to seek (proffesional) help/where to seek help from
I am thinking that I am aware, ready, and willing enough for professional help not to factor in. I always see the sun as radiating good health and positive energy from within. It is the source of it’s own healing. I don’t think I will need another diet doctor, nutritionist , or counselor telling me what I need to do. They simply don’t understand the visciousness of the Fight or Fat cycle. I am empowered to do this with help, just not the same old kind I’ve tried before. This is kind of amazing… I’ve tried so many doctors, with little permanent result. Obviously, it’s an easy quick fix, but it is not the answer!
14 – what the querent should do on their own
3 of Wands
Now we’re talking! I’ve done a lot of work and research in the past that will allow me to successfully figure this out for good. I am empowered with knowledge of my problem, and experience in dealing with it to find This Group Of People that may help me to reach my goal. I have to look for them though, they will not come looking for me. Is it Weight Watchers? (Groan… not again!). Is it that Tarot group on Spark People that I’ve heard good things about? That would be cool. The thing is… I don’t know! But to fight the Fight or Fat, I’ve got to put myself out there. But it’s okay. I’m ready for it.
15 – recommended further actions
This isn’t so much action to me, as it is a mind set. The Star is one of my Power Players. She always shows up when hope and success is immanent. It simply validates the path I need to take. I’m glad to see her. I realize that I need not give up hope.
16 – best long-term treatment/action
Two of Cups
I think this also goes back to the 2 of Swords above. It is largely about balance for me. Finding out ways to avoid the Fight or Fat. There is a happy medium somewhere, and I’d be a happy medium if I could just lose 20 or 30 lbs and keep it off. I think it’s about bringing together what I know works, and what I still have yet to learn. It’s more a partnership between the unconscious need to binge and sabotage that I feel I have no control over, and the need to savagely subject myself to the diet beastie to make up for it. It’s something in between. Perhaps just simply eating well and healthy without a focus on diet is the best course of action? I know what types of food make my body feel its best. I know what foods I seem to have intolerances to, that are delicious but leave me in agony. I still eat them. What am I punishing myself for? I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps knowing why is the key to the shining city on the hill that just isn’t within reach. Fuck all’ y’all… I am going to be the mayor of that fair city, and…
17 – outcome if 10 > 16 are taken into action
The Moon / 8 of Pents / Ace of Cups
I had to pull a few extras, just to make sure I understood what it was that I was pulling. I believe the Moon has everything to do with that unconscious, mysterious element that I just can’t get a grip on. The root cause of the cycle. I’m thinking that finding a group to work with is the key, along with getting my ass moving, and striking a healthy balance in my eating. NO MORE DIETING. It won’t be easy, but I’ll be going back to other skills and tecniques I’ve learned and had success with in the pat while forging them into something new. It all comes down to love… I have to love myself, and give myself a little bit of slack. There is hope and possibility here. I just have to find out how to get there.
ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG! This just gave me an awesome idea! It’s a bit more Chaos Magick than my usual magickal fare, but HOLY FNORD GOOD GODSDAMN HAIL ERIS! I HAZ AN IDEA! It’s not something I’d normally do, but I feel that in my magickal practice at this point I may just be up for the challenge. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK OF IT BEFORE? I keep doing all of these workings to keep me motivated, but… BWAHAHAHAH! Bullseye! Okay. I’ve got some thinking to do. Once I figure out how to do what I think I might be able to do, I’ll spill more details. Shit. It means I might have to dust off a few books. I get so damn bored by Phil Hine and Austin Spare. It doesn’t oo for me, it doesn’t long, and it certainly doesn’t oolong. Taylor Ellwood’s Pop Culture Magick might point me in the right direction. I remember reading it, liking it, but not doing anything with it. Hmmmmm… Okay. This is good. Very good. I am optimistic.
Let the games begin, but let them end with a 6 of WIN.
I didn’t see a 6 of WIN in this spread. Well… I am forcefully inserting my WAND of AWESOME SUCCESS & VICTORY into the first hole I come across. BWAHAHAHAHAH!