Weirdness has been afoot with me lately. It’s not all mystical fuckery, but I’m more than a little bit confused. Most of my problems are immediate in nature. The Bigger Issues don’t bother me much in that I don’t dwell on them for long. I accept that I won’t get answers or resolution to those questions now, and I am completely at peace with the process. Score one for me! I’m beginning to feel that making myself more of a vessel in the Process of Unravelling This Mysterious Foggy Path Up Spooky Mountain is making me a bit of a target.
Something Biggity Bad seems to be fucking with me, and I do not like it.
I don’t know what else it could be… There is no rational explanation for everything that’s been going on. I’ve been moody, on edge, and filled to capacity with anxiety. This is not normal for me at all, and there is no reason for any of it. It’s been happening on and off for a week now, and the usual suspects aren’t helping. It’s like UBER-PMS. I PMS in ways that are frightening, like Durga-Lions-Tigers-And-Bears-Oh-My-For-The-Love-Of-Gods-Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-My-Way-Insignificant-Mortal! I’m either internalizing and agonizing over small mistakes I’ve made at work, or crying for no reason. I started crying uncontrollably on Friday when the tire place couldn’t get me in to get my brakes fixed. I couldn’t stop… neither can my car! Last Thursday, everything I touched was the Anti-Midas… It all turned to shit. Brake appointment? Cancelled. Prescription? Couldn’t fill it all, then it was filled wrong, then the pharmacy tech was fucking bitch about it. Scenic and relaxing stroll around the graveyard up the street? Ruined by drunk hobos hanging out near the plot with the shadiest pine tree. I was off work that day, but I should have just gone into the office. I’m not one to cry over spilled bong water, but… Oh. Wait. I did cry when that happened.
A nice long weekend at the coast was supposed to cure all ills. Alas… it didn’t. The Weird Anxiety Beastie is back again, in full body armor. I think it has a sword. This is bullshit. This is the type of situation where I’d normally bust out the magickal fuckery, but I’m much too drained for it. I want to understand the reasoning behind this, so… Let’s read!
Nutsy Tara? Nope. I’m going to go with the World Spirit. I need a kind, but firm approach. WS really shines when it comes to practical advice for very real, MunDanish issues. That’s one of the reasons why I am so fond of it.
1. Events From Last Week
The Universe / 8 of Pentacles / Knight of Swords
Last week, I did a lot of Work. Big Work. Good Work. Important Work. I feel good about where I am at, and felt rather celebratory about it. Spiritually, I’m getting to a place I am liking the feel of. It was a really magickal week. I am feeling more like a craftsman than a noob these days, perfecting and improving my techniques. I wonder if I let something psychic, swordy, prickly and icky in, inadvertantly? It feels like maybe I did.
2. What’s Contributing This Week
The Devil / 8 of Swords / 3 of Cups
Yes. I am feeling incredibly trapped and constricted by the whole thing. Part of me knows I am doing it to myself, making things worse, but even though I am perfectly capable of escaping it I don’t seem to want to. I seem to need this downspell for some reason. I also see a deep current of over-indulgence and material girlyness here. That’s typical. I feel bad… I eat bad. I feel bad… I shop. I am taking pains to avoid both. It’s an easy way to momentarily escape the chains, but in the longterm it doesn’t serve me.
3. What Will Improve Things & Can I Do To Make That Happen?
Knight of Wands / Queen of Cups / Three of Swords / Strength / Four of Wands / 6 of Wands
I am not going to see that 3 of S as a monkey wrench. Instead, it truly represents that which I must let go and move past. I see no reason here why I can’t do that. The Kni of W is a colleague of mine that I feel like I’ve let down somehow, specifically related to this weird funk I’m in. I haven’t felt like myself, and my work has suffered. He’s not really concerned, but I keep beating myself up about it. Q of Cups… Honestly, I need to be a bit kinder to myself, and let things smooth themselves out. Flow is the key word here. Emotionally, I’ve been on a wild ride, and working with Mr. Wandylust doesn’t help. Instead of putting up walls or freaking out, I need to calmly let myself experience the weird cocktail emotions that are plaguing me, and get them out of my system. I’m thinking that the Q of C could teach me a few things. The emotions, although they aren’t disingenuous, feel somehow foreign to me. Embrace them… go with them… tread softly… She says.
Strength knows I can do it, and the 6 of WIN agrees wholeheartedly. Durga? Hell yes. I think she’s my girl this week. I see a mix-up. The water is confused about what it’s doing and the fire isn’t especially pleased. I’m having some kind of push-pull that will work itself out. Yeah, it’s not easy but it can be done. I’m very controlled emotionally, except when I become hormonally unhinged. 4 of Wands? Well… It’s the Fourth of July over the weekend, and I will be planning some fun stuff with family, so that might help.
Q of Cups… The Universe… The Three of Swords… Okay… It would seriously suck if I were pregnant. We’re talking end of the world type of suckage here. It would be 3 of Swords for me. It could explain the odd mood swings and fatigue and increase in appetite… FUCK.
Uh… The World Spirit sun card is my least favorite in the deck. It features a weird creepy baby that looks a little bit like Henry Rollins. Ugh.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me…
Four of Pentacles
I am not sharing my toys!
Nine of Swords
Nightmare is right… Seriously. Not interested in child-rearing. NO BIGGITY BAD BABIES!
Are you trying to scare me?
Ten of Swords
Five of Wands
I know this is a never ending conflict, but I am pretty cool with my decision.
What does this have to do with anxiety anyways?
The High Priestess
Oh… now you’re quiet. Well… I have another week or two before I am going to see fit to freak out and pee on a stick, so rest assured we’re not done with this conversation.
Keep calm, and carry bong. This too shall pass… or I’ll kick its ass.