Yesterday I had one of the most difficult experiences in my magickal career to date.
It was also one of the most amazing experiences in that same magickal career.
I’ve been shifting my consciousness and harnessing my energy to focus my will for the purpose of evoking specific changes in myself… and sometimes in the world for many years. Well over a decade. I’m no professional. I’m little better than an over-enthusiastic third grader who gets excited during Shark Week, only to get bored about a half an hour in at the sign of the first Great White.
The fish, not the band.
I wonder whatever happened to those guys? They were up there on my Hair Metal Top Kickassawesome Ten list in eighth grade. I’m glad I wised-up fast, and replaced my Skid Row poster with a Pearl Jam one.
I don’t know why, but… I kind of hate Pearl Jam.
Oh. Yeah. Magicks! I certainly don’t hate those, and tend to find them rather useful. I know… You’re a rational person for a charmingly insane Erisian imbecile, certainly you don’t believe in magick! Well, you’d be wrong about that, dear sir or madam! I wouldn’t believe in it if it didn’t work. It does work, therefore I do it. How do you know it works? How does it work? Fuck man, I don’t know. I’m not going to struggle with the big answers. Not today…
Yesterday I did a small working before bed. My weekly draw this week from the Jolanda deck was The Queen of Wands and The Magician. Holy fuck beans! I know, right? Talk about SUPERCHARGED CREATIVE FIERY POWERS OF AWESOME WILL TIMES PI VS. INFINITY.23! To me, that means power. Fierceness. Confidence. Making things happen. RAWR! I was thinking that it was going to be an amazing week in some way, and that the Queen of Wands (Me) was going to do something great. Yay for me! I also felt a fierce current of protective energy, leonine in nature. Durga? Most definitely. As I’ve kept doing these weekly draws (I skipped writing last week… The Star and Justice were too subtle), I’ve enjoyed two things about the process. The first is seeing how the card(s) will manifest during the week, and the next is doing a little working if the cards hint that it might help.
I don’t bother with it very often, really. Only if something needs particular attention. It’s been nice to use tarot as a focus, but not necessarily have a distinct goal in mind. Rather, I look at the cards and what or where they’ll possibly bring me, and work with whatever that might be. It’s been a weekly practice that I find I enjoy. It’s more meditative and empowering than the work I usually do, since the change I am working to instill or enhance is within me rather than externally. For the Q of W and the Magician? WHOA! Confidence and fire were two things I needed greatly this week. It’s been a tough one for me, and I haven’t felt like myself. I felt the opposite of the Magician, and more swordy than the 3 of Swords at a Swords n’ Sausage Party. Pants optional! Last night I took a little time to regroup, and revisit The Q of W, The Magician and Durga. I ended-up thinking it would be a good time to get to work on an issued that’s been bugging me.
While I can’t really get into too much detail, I need to get a few things out in words. Why? Some things came up that were totally unprecedented for me. I was only trying to peer into the matter a bit… Not even a big working.
I evoked Durga, which is really pretty frightening. She’s like a sheer curtain of orange, red, gold, and fire, engulfing and enveloping. My hands burned, like liquid jalapenos running through my veins. She is quite the tour de force, yet kind. Well, I asked for fire. Durga does not disappoint.
Clairaudience? I’ve never, ever, ever ever experienced that or anything like it before. I kept hearing music played faintly, like a radio with a shifting signal was playing faintly in the background. It was quiet in my bedroom, except for the ceiling fan and my husband’s snoring. (I’ll often do a working late at night. I’m pretty quiet, and he sleeps like a log. It doesn’t bother either of us.) The invisible radio played what sounded like a tinny hair metal song, with whispy and whiny voices. It flipped from that to a group of what sounded like shamans in a rhythmic chant. It switched again to pure, sweet tonal sounds. Not quite music, but simply a beautiful clump of tones mashed together. It sounded like anything you’d normally hear but with more of a vibrational quality. I felt utterly disconcerted, and weirded out by it. It was intensely powerful, and very loud in an energy sense just as much as an audio one.
Oh, but that’s not all… I know, right? That’s some crazy shit right there! Well… that’s not the half of it. I have no idea what brought any of this on. I indulged in a small bit of herbal enhancements before bed (my shoulder was hurting a bit) as I am not unknown to do, yet it’s no different to me than a shot of Nyquil. Being just a tiny bit, it certainly wasn’t enough to evoke a BIG TIME DIVINE DELUGE(!!!).
I put a piece of amber and jet near the Q of W and the Magican early this week. I couldn’t think of two stones better suited for that pair of jokers. I picked them both up at the same time, and… I think I finally succeeded in breaking open my head. It felt like something in my head exploded, causing my face and scalp to immediately become flush with what felt like an intense fever, as if someone had dumped a boiling pot of water over my head. The stones buzzed in my hand, and both ears popped loudly, ending the Strange Music From Some Strange Kind of Place. The blood rapidly drained from my head into my extremities, making me light-headed, my hands cold and shaking with an overwhelming need to lie down. I even worried that I might throw up. It was visceral, strong, and intense.
I felt like I was connected to White Tara through Durga as a life line, that while unsteady, would not snap.
I also got the Special K Burning Ulcer of DOOM feeling in my gut. Ugh!
I had hard time getting up from sitting on the ground, and I struggled a bit. I terribly dizzy and the room got all spinny around me. I lie down, and as soon as I did, my chakras got all crazy. One by one, they exploded too, but in a random order. My throat chakra actually seemed to make a buzzing noise. It was followed by the others, all vying to open up and join the party. Brow, crown, heart, solar plexus, sacral, and that stupid stubborn root chakra I always struggle with… Opened right up.
Then I accidentally invoked Shiva. It was blue and relaxing, yet hypnotic like the tide lapping on the shore. His presence is a newer one to me, although it’s not the first time I’ve invoked him by mistake. Usually he’s a bit more energetic. I can’t talk about it too much, but it was almost a relief. It was more of a reminder to just dance along with the process, rather than becoming too alarmed. I’ve never had a god swoop in like that during a time of crisis.
Today, I felt much better than I had the previous few days. Whatever was causing my fucked-up funk is completely gone. I feel more focused and with a renewed sense of clarity. I didn’t ask for any of this. Even now, I’m not sure I even want it. It’s a milestone of some sort, perhaps. I feel like my head has cracked open a bit, and while I don’t know what might escape in or out, I am at peace with the process. It was all so much more active and alive than anything I’ve experienced. I’ve come to see that the connection I have to the Hindu gods is far more strong or powerful than it’s been with any other pantheon. Still, I keep my assorted Greeks and Egyptians, but… I can’t explain how different it is. Still trying to figure it out.
I hope this makes the working I did extra powerful. I’m going to need it. None of this was part of my working either. It just sort of happened during and after.
Q of W and The Magician? Underestimating your power to manifest in my life was a mistake on my part. You certainly let me know you don’t like that. Lesson learned.
I guess somebody’s gotta be the weird one. I’ll volunteer. I guarantee you won’t find anyone any better.
And also… all of this… Seriously? WTF? Crazy, man.