Yoshimi Battles The Pink Prairie Muffins

Yoshimi Battles The Pink Prairie Muffins


Not exactly a Prairie Muffin... more like a Prairie Scone.

When I rant, I get my 6 of WIN on. For realz, yo. That’s how this post is related to tarot. Do you see what I just did there? WIN! Hello!

I think that the lovely Submerina may have sent this my way at some point in time, I’m sure for the purpose of the gasps and lulz that such a strange and bizarre set of rules would induce for someone with my delicate Erisian temperment… OH FUCK YEAH, GIRL! I just got emailed a coupon for 20% off at Zappos… Jackpot! I don’t know jack about shit, but I do know jack about pot… Uh… for cooking in.  FNORD! FNORD! FNORD! Where was I? Oh. Yes. The Prairie Muffin Manifesto has been circling around teh intartubez for quite a few years now. I don’t often come across things that make me recoil in horror, and ready to strike with my fangs out. Figurative fangs, not literal ones. QUEL HORROR. It’s the opposite of almost everything I believe in, love, or hold dear.
This morning, while perfecting the perfectly tapered batwing on my black liquid eyeliner, I had a thought. I don’t often have profound thoughts while doing so, other than what the fuck I am going to eat for breakfast. (Damn you, Whorebucks! Tempting me with your semi-healthy breakfast offerings!)
My thought? Simple…The Christian fundamentalist, evangelical, submissive wife, (and?) bible-beating, anti-feminist, baby-blasting, “militant fecundity” preaching, patriarchal, homeschooling fuckery peddled by these prairie-prancing party poopers are my arch-nemeses!
I am the Anti-Prairie Muffin. Anti-Muff? No. Just Anti-Muffin. A Prairie Merkin? Well… that’s rather amusing, but I wouldn’t pay to see it. No muffins with merkins here! I am the Auntie Christ, but holy shitcakes… I couldn’t handle that.
I also made the mistake of reading this recently, which led to a lot of moments of tossing my Kindle on the couch, shouting “Fuck no! NAW! HELL NAW! HOLY COJONES OF EL DIABLO, NOOOOOOO!” Fascinating read, if you must.
In the eyes of the Muffin Maffia, I personify everything that is wrong with the world.
I am… A polytheist… A Pagan… A Secular Humanist… A feminist… Socially and politically progressive… Happily married to a man who is an equal partner in our marriage… Childfree by choice… Well-educated… Career-driven… An idol-worshipper… A witch (I’m takin’ it back. Sorry, Wicce. You’re not the only ones who get all crafty up in heyah)… A consumer… An independent-thinker… A bullshit artist… A big fan of tetrahydrocannabinol… A mystic… An Erisian… Well-read… Bad at “housework”… A confident woman who knows she has choices in life, and who is not afraid to make the tough decisions for herself… Someone who isn’t afraid to indulge in her vices responsibly, within reason.

Bitches, I’m dangerous! Pass the dutchie from the left-hand path!

So, I give to you… The Anti-Prairie-Muffin Manifesto, also known as The Erisian Witch Biscuit Manifiesta. I can’t say “Womanifesto”, because isn’t that just a little bit too “Blessed be, Sister! I am currently enrolled in wymminz studies 101. Penises are evil! Down with the penis! Up with mons venus! GOOOOOO DIANA!”. This little lady likes the mans, and she likes the fiesta so… MANIFIESTA! SI! DOS CERVEZAS, POR FAVOR! AY! AY! AY! ♪♫ Guajira Guantanamera… Guantanamera… Guajira Guantanamera… ♪♫

I wish I were in a mariachi band. That would be sweet.
The Erisian Witch Biscuit Manifiesta… I stay on the scene… like a hex machine!

1) Prairie Muffins are committed to obeying God’s law in every area of life, as they are aware of its application to their lives and circumstances. Let’s swap out Yahweh for Nature, and we can chat.

2) Prairie Muffins are helpmeets to their husbands, seeking creative and practical ways to further their husbands’ callings and aid them in their dominion responsibilities.
Some Erisian Witch-Biscuits have husbands. Some have boyfriends. Some have girlfriends. Some have wives. It’s really more about helping and supporting each other, and working together to meet your responsibilities. Helpmeet? I don’t like meat that can’t help itself, but I’ll give it a little rub and a tug if *I* feel like it.

3) Prairie Muffins are aware that God is in control of their ability to conceive and bear children, and they are content to allow Him to bless them as He chooses in this area.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits are aware that Nature plays a big part in the cycle of life, but ultimately we live in a modern world with a dizzying array of reproductive choices. Want kids? Cool. Have some. Don’t want kids now? Then… don’t. Want them eventually? Cool. Don’t want them at all? No problem. Want to let Nature do it’s thang and see what happens? Knock your socks off while you get your rocks off, man! The ladies are in control, Yahweh. Back the fuck away from my ovaries…
♪♫ All the single ladies… All the single ladies… All the single ladies… All the single ladies…♪♫

4) Prairie Muffins seek to conform themselves to the image of God by not chafing at the trials and afflictions which He brings to them, but thankfully submitting to His loving providence as He makes them fit for heaven.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits can ask questions of and seek to understand their gods, just as much as they question and seek to understand themselves. Too legit to submit!

5) Prairie Muffins improve their intellect and knowledge as they have opportunity, first by seeking wisdom from God’s word, then by reading good books and other materials which help them to make informed opinions about a wide variety of subjects.
The Erisian Witch-Biscuit thinks this sounds good in theory, but in practice? I’m pretty sure Pa Kettle is looking over Ma Kettle’s non-bible reading list making sure that nothing racy like Twighlight slips in there. “I was just sitting on the couch reading, when all of the sudden this sparkly vampire cockus just came out of nowhere and stabbed me in the mouth!”. (“Cockus” is the vampire word for penis. I totally didn’t make that up, I swear!)

6) Prairie Muffins dress modestly and in a feminine manner.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits wear whatever they wish, from skirts and heels to tuxes and tails. Are you a lady with overalls and a beard? It’s not my style, but if you have the cojones to pull it off, a big hearty “HAIL ERIS, FULL OF CHEESE! GREYFACE, YOU CAN SUCK ON THESE!” to you! I dress appropriately for the season and occasion, and I do dress girly. I wear skirts and dresses with really cute girly shoes on most days. To see me in pants (that aren’t Big Stars or Luckys)  and/or flats means my day sucks large and sweaty donkey nut sacks. This is my choice to dress well, and rather femme-y at that. It is who I am, just as the Bearded Lady’s overalls are part of who she is. Modesty is nice, if that’s who *you* are. It’s not me, or the Beardy-Locks on my left.

7) Prairie Muffins protect the innocence of their children, until such a time their children are mature enough to be exposed to potentially-harmful cultural influences. If most reasonable parents said this, I’d agree. But from this crowd, it’s much more extreme. Better keep them away from the rock and roll Jonas Brothers music, or they’ll start smokin’ the reefer and worshipping the Satan! Adults who were overly sheltered as children are typically obnoxious. That’s an excellent way to encourage social awkwardness.

8) Prairie Muffins are creative, learning new skills and working with their hands to provide items of beauty as well as utility for their families.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits can be creative if so inclined, learning new ideas and skills, working with their hands *or minds or bodies* for whatever purposes they desire. If it’s crafty-crap you want, well… Get to crappin’! Er… I mean… craftin’.

9) Prairie Muffins do not reflect badly on their husbands by neglecting their appearance; they work with the clay God has given, molding it into an attractive package for the pleasure of their husbands.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits can work with what Nature gave them to look any damn way they please, whether that’s for a man, a woman, or for themselves.

10) Prairie Muffins are patient and forbearing, not responding rashly to slights, perceived or real.
Yeah, that’s a good goal to have in mind, but just don’t piss a Witch-Biscuit off, or she might have to choke a bitch. I keed… I keed… or do I?

11) Prairie Muffins own aprons and they know how to use them.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits own tarot decks and golden apples, and know how to use them. Very well, thank fnord you. LOOK OUT! </ throw golden apple>

12) Prairie Muffins prefer others above themselves, seeking to serve God by serving others, especially members of their own household.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits extend kindness to those who deserve it, treating others with respect, expecting kind to be met with kind, while also extending the same kindness and respect towards themselves. People in an Erisian Witch’s kitchen are cordially invited to serve themselves. Buffet-style rules!

13) Prairie Muffins practice hospitality, graciously, even when their home is not as perfect as they would like.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits would rather take you out for an awesome dinner at a lovely restaurant than stay at home. Erisian hospitality includes very good wine. Who gives a fuck if the house is a mess?

14) Prairie Muffins have a sense of humor, even in the midst of trials.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits are very serious during trials, as lawyers are really sneaky little fuckers and you don’t want to give them any ammunition.

15) Prairie Muffins do not become paralyzed by fears and worries; rather, they see God’s loving hand in all their circumstances.
Nature isn’t really good for huggles, snuggles, sweetness and light during rough times. It’s nothing a call to Ganesha won’t fix…

16) Prairie Muffins are accomplished at organizing and delegating.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits are also accomplished at organizing and delgating… That’s what minions are for. Also known as “staff”.

17) Prairie Muffins place their husbands’ needs and desires above other obligations, arranging their schedules and responsibilities so that they do not neglect the one who provides for and protects them and their children.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits think that this is BULLSHIZITE. I love my huband. He loves me. We work together, and sometimes one of us compromises to help or support the other. It’s a partnership of equals. He is not superior to me, nor does his role in any way suggest a need for me to defer to him. And… likewise.

18) Prairie Muffins are fiercely submissive to God and to their husbands.
Haaahahhahahahah…. No. Fiercely subversive, yes. Submissive? Well… I mean, a little light bondage is fun on a rare occasion, but it’s not really my scene.


19) Prairie Muffins appreciate godly role models, such as Anne Bradstreet, Elizabeth Prentiss and Elisabeth Elliot. They do
not idolize Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie) or Louisa May Alcott (Little Women); while they may enjoy aspects of home life presented in their books, PMs understand that the latent humanism and feminism in these stories and in the lives of these women is not worthy of emulation. The Erisian Witch-Biscuit says that humanism and feminism, particularly in such gentle and accessible forms is well-worthy of emulation, so feel free to suck on *that*.

20) Prairie Muffins make significant economic contributions to their households in many ways. They are careful with the hard-earned money that their husbands bring home, wisely weighing expenditures to ensure that they stretch the dollars as far as they can go, without being parsimonious. They also may help their husbands in their husbands’ callings or bring money into their households through homecentered business under their husbands’ authority, as long as that activity does not detract from their very important homekeeping duties.
Erisian Witch-Biscuits feel that very important homekeeping duties mainly revolve around finding room in our walk-in closets for new shoes, keeping a good supply of take-out menus, and cleaning out our bongs regularly with a little bit of rubbing alcohol and sea salt. For everything else, there’s Mastercard.

21)- 35) God… Family… Submission… Denim jumpers… “Go in the kitchen woman, and make me a sammich! For JEZUS-UH!” “Yes, Lord and Master McPatriarchal Dickpants!”

VOMIT.

36) Prairie Muffins are happy to be girls—they rejoice in the distinctives which God sovereignly bestowed on them which make them feminine. They are also happy that their husbands are masculine, and they do not diminish that masculinity by harping on habits which emanate from the fact that boys will be boys, even when they grow up. In addition, Prairie Muffins are careful not to use their feminine, hormotional weaknesses to excuse sinful attitudes and actions, but learn to depend more and more on God’s grace and strength in the midst of any monthly trials. You’d be wise not to bring this point up to an Erisian Witch-Biscuit. Don’t even try it. Especially if the moon is full. The transition from Witch to Bitch isn’t something I’d recommend provoking.

“Hormotional weakness”!!!?!?

Shit. You’ve gone and done it now, Muffin Fuck Strumpets!

I can’t keep this up. My little head is gonna ‘splode!

HAIL ERIS, FULL OF SWEET PHARMACEUTICALS… DELIVER ME FROM RANK EVANGELICALS!

Also… I don’t like peas. I never have. I can’t think of a vegetable more icky. They are not awesome… No. Definitely not. My favorite vegetable is probably pico de gallo. No, trust me. It is a vegetable. Why? Five tons of flax!

HAIL ERIS!

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Yoshimi Battles The Pink Prairie Muffins

    1. That’s weird… It’s just a picture of Chloe Sevigny’s character on the TV show Big Love. She dresses quite similar to a Prairie Muffin.

      P-Muff, in the motherfuckin’ hizzouse, comin’ at you live from the Denim Jumper Lounge!

  1. Mmmm, biscuits.

    Dude. Dudette. Duuude.

    I wish I could take credit, but it was not I who turned you onto the Muffins of Submission. Holy fuckstickles – I couldn’t even read past the bottom of the screen before my head exploded in rage! Lady S gets reeeeeeeeal pissed about this sort of shit. Good goddamn, it was a struggle even to read the bits here for the sake of understanding your hilarious and righteous (righteously indignant, too) reinterpretation.

    I’ve had to sit through a sermon like this, back in the day when I resided at the Y. Ohhhhhh, it was a rough one. Rough. I was ready to rip a bitch’s throat out and dance on the bloody corpse of her “Master”.

    The only thing you need to add to your BiscuitFesto is something about painting yourself up like the Whore of Babylon and that there can never be too much glitter 😀

    1. It’s so twisted, sick, and wrong in a rubber-necky kind of way, that I could have sworn you sent me the link at some point in time. Maybe it was one of my Y!A friends…

      Still… Whoa. I know, right? I had to take a break while writing cos’ I got all aggro-expolodo-head.

      Also… Do you think Babylon is big enough for the both of us? I’ve got glitter to spare, and some bondagey-looking almost stripper-esque strappy pairs of shoes that are made to strut. 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s