The ever-verbose Hierophant informs the team at Acme Arcana, Inc. about a few Casual Friday Guidelines…
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND… CASUAL FRIDAYS!!!
In an attempt to cultivate synergistic paradigms within our strategic team-building initiative, The Emperor has reinstated our Casual Friday Privleges! Please understand that this is a privilege, and NOT a right! In the spirit of “fun”, we’d like everyone to have the freedom to be a bit more relaxed and comfortable in the work place, helping to increase productivity and improve workflow. Again, please keep in mind that this is a privilege, and NOT a right! If your name is The Devil or the Magician, that is specifically directed at you. Unlike last time we attempted to have Casual Friday, we’ve put some guidelines in place to ensure that everyone will feel comfortable while also adhering to professional standards and corporate guidelines.
We’ve installed a full-length mirror next to the water-cooler, so that you may properly inspect your wardrobe and ensure it is up to the correct standard. Should you find yourself wearing any of the following UNACCEPTABLE ITEMS you will be SENT HOME:
- No clothes at all… If your name is The Star, The Lovers or the World, this means YOU. Ladies, this is a place of business and not a brothel. Please cover it up. Your “birthday suit” is not the same as a business suit.
- Long Robes, Veils or Gowns With Trains… Ask yourself “Does my garment drag on the ground when I walk? Does it often get stuck in the wheels of my office chair causing me to whine and bleat like a pissy little sheep? Does my veil obstruct my view of my computer monitor making my TPS reports take twice as long? Am I a Hermit, High Priestess or Empress?”. If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you need to go home and change. NOW. It’s a safety issue, per OSHA standard rule #666.
- Skinny Jean Man Leggings… The Fool and the Hanged Man… Are you under the mistaken impression that you are at a rock concert? While I love the punk-emo-rocking-and-rolling myself, it is not proper work attire. It’s fine for “hanging out”, but please wear properly fitting pants in the office. Are we cool, “bros”? Remember… “Bros before hose”… Pantyhose are not proper attire for a professional man, even one from Pixieland.
- Bondage Attire or Anything That Could Cause a Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit… Save it for intimate moments with friends who aren’t co-workers, Mr. Devil. If it has chains, spikes, latex, or requires one being “hog-tied”, it is not work appropriate. REALISTIC FAKE PHALLUSES ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE AND THE WEARING OF ONE WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION!!!! We will allow the wearing of cod-pieces for religious reasons. Please see managment.
- Casual Friday DOES NOT Mean “Bring Your Pets To Work Day”… If your name is The Chariot, The Sun, Death, The Fool, Strength or The Moon, I am talking to YOU. This is an office, not a ZOO! Leave your furry friends at home, please! Yes, I know you all think it was very amusing that The Fool’s dog tried to molest one of the Chariot’s prize Sphinxes, but I WAS NOT AMUSED! If I want to watch furry beasts in a carnal embrace, I’d go in the internet. At home, NOT at WORK!
- Casual Friday DOE NOT Mean “No Shower Friday”… Most of you are hygenic enough for a group of complete and utter amateurs, dilltantes, ne’er-do-wells, freaks, and mutants. Some of you, despite your sterling credentials, fine education, knowledge, wisdom and valuable years of experience, have a bad habit of smelling like a rabid, shut-in grizzly bear with crotch-rot who rolled in hot garbage with Lady GaGa. Why dance around it? You all know who I am talking about. Hermit. On a good day, I’d say you smell like death, but Death often smells better than you do thanks to that Axe body spray The Magician so lovingly bequeathed (Thanks, Dear Brother!). On a bad day, I am often torn over fumigating your cube, or calling the health inspector. Why do you think we’ve banned egg salad and cruciform vegetables from the office? CASUAL FRIDAYS DOES NOT MEAN YOU MAY SKIP HOSING DOWN BY THE MAINTENANCE SHED BEFORE ENTERING THE BUILDING! Am I making myself clear?
So bust out your craziest Hawaiian shirts, cleanest khakis and get ready for Casual Friday Fun! The Emperor told me all about some really cool new clothes he just had shipped in from Europe, and I just can’t wait to see what was in that package!
CFO, Director of HR, and Maintenance Coordinator of Acme Arcana, Inc.
P.S. Please initial next to each bullet point, sign and date the bottom in blue ink, so I know for sure that you read and understood the contents of this memo.