It’s a little towery around here of late… In the last few weeks…
My 95 year old grandma stopped eating and has gone into a nursing home. She says she is “waiting to die”. She’s quite melodramatic, but I think that she means it. My dad’s health has taken a turn for the worst, and he’s got some very serious health problems that he is ignoring quite purposefully. Things aren’t really looking good for him. A very dear, dear, dear friend of my family has been diagnosed with a brain tumor at the young age of 28. I’m worried about my brother and sister with all of this. If we lose my dad, things will get very ugly before they get better. I see it all in front of me, spiraling far beyond my control, unraveling, exploding.
Oh, but the Super Tower Infused fun doesn’t stop there! My office got robbed last week. I also was in the middle of moving offices when this happened. Timing? Uncanny, bitchez. Uncanny. Yet at the same time, I’ve had some really amazing Shakti-related stuff happening. Powerful stuff, that I am not quite up for talking about. But it’s really, really good. Also, I made some changes to my pain medicine within the last week, and I am experiencing amazing and unexpected results. Honestly, I didn’t think it would work as well as it has. I’ve actually been feeling pretty good. Sure, this always happens and I always overdo it, but… We’ll see what happens.
Synchronicity… The Hits Keep Comin’.
So… Let’s read…
Tower Powers That Be… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? This almost feels like a leap year. For me, Leap Years are when Big Life Altering Events of Massive Proportions occur. It starts with great loss, and ends with great joy or vindication. In 2008, I lost the job that was holding me back for many years, received a fat severance package, only to land the non-design job I’d always wanted. This is all too jumbly for a Leap Year, and besides… the next Leap Year is in 2012. Will it be the Apocalypse? No. Given my Leap Year Patterns, it will be quite good.
So… yes… Let’s read. Freeform. No spread. Just a freeform flip and go! Ready? OK! Lately… What… the… fuck?!!?!
Instead of a spread, I am doing it more intuitively. Just flipping over a few, and seeing where they fit. I like doing this sometimes, where I let the cards create the spread for themselves, or I pull around five or six and see what kind of story they make. I’ve tried to read on all of these things separately, but it just won’t come. So… Freeform it is.
I’m reading with Revelations Tarot by Zach Wong. It’s sort of bright yet dark, crisp and graphic yet also ethereal. Quite a knock-out of a deck, really. Not sure how it reads, but I suppose I will find out.
Ten of Swords /3 of Swords / Queen of Cups
Yeah, there is a lot of prickly, swordy, shit going around. This is mostly related to my dad and grandma. They have a Twin Flame type of dynamic, and I’ve always known that if we lost one, the other would not be far behind. They seem to be waiting on the other go first. Seriously. I’ve pulled the 3 of Swords a lot lately. I know that grief, of some kind, is immanent and inevitable. It will come. I am quite guarded, emotionally. I have a good sense of humor, and butt-loads of cheerfully bootstrappy resilience. My role is to keep it together until I can allow myself to privately FREAK the FUCK OUT, then I get over it and go about solving the problem at hand. This is different. It’s not a crisis. It’s the precipice of a crisis, and it is killing me. My energy systems don’t thrive under prolonged emotional distress. I get it out of my system, and I move on. This is effecting me emotionally, and I’d say the 10 of Swords is more of the martyrdom component. I do feel like it is all on me to make things work. To fix things. That the stress and worry are my burdens alone. It has a lot to do with loads of family history, the creeping ugly of having a dad and grandmother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, being the oldest and most responsible one of my siblings, and deep emotional wounds from my childhood that I ignore. They’ve never really healed. All this has left them raw, and oozing.
The Queen of Cups comes up in readings for me as my shadow side. It’s the part of myself that I protect the most. She is a part of me that I do not like, yet I can’t stand to see her hurt. That is the vulnerable, squishy side that lies lurking under my sarcastic brand of Polly-Anna-ism. Yes, the two are compatible. I’m all sweetness, light, with a dash of piss and vinegar. It’s a winning combination… Usually. The exuberance of WANDS(!!!) and the pragmatic grounding of Pents steamroll over the cuppy softness. Through the stress and emotional burden of it all, she’s trying to come out. I hate it. But I also feel that I need to let it happen.
I must move on. Perhaps I will have the chance. I think I just have to let it unravel, and not try and plan or control too much. It’s exhausting. I know that no matter what the outcome, I will end up better for it.
Six of WIN / Two of Wands
I have a certain degree of power here… If anything, I am very different from my family. A bit more original. A bit more bold. A bit more unafraid to break with convention. If you’ve read this blog before, that’s all glaringly obvious. Perhaps by acknowledging the sensitive, intuitive, emotionally exhausting cuppy bitch that is my Shadow Queen, my inner WANDY-LUST that makes me who I am will be that much better. Or that by using the resources on both sides, I will come through this winningly. I get the 6 of Wands so frequently that I have to laugh.
YES! I! CAN!
It’s the “Yes!” card for me. It says be The Fool, and follow the the Shadow Queen through the mirky depths. Experience them. Pass through them. The veils and waters that are thin in spots, and impassible in others. Burn through them with fire. It will not be easy, but I won’t move past it until I chose to put my best foot forward. Emerging victorious? Yeah. I can dig that.
So… don’t forget the Shadow Queen, just go with it all, and… BE AWESOME.
Good. Fuck you, Tower! Kiss my biscuits! I’m riding this wave with no hands, and neither water nor fire can stop me.