How can I break free of this prison I’ve created for myself? The endless wheel of self-sabotage and hopelessness with this one issue is contrary to my entire being. It’s the piece of the puzzle that will never fit. It is the wayward thread that if pulled, will unravel the whole thing. If I can conquer this within myself once and for all, there is nothing… nothing in the world that I cannot do. I am exactly what I despise… I have the tools, I have the knowledge, I have the resources, yet I cannot seem to move my ass to put it into practice. Well… enough already. It’s not been a great week for me, and I’ve been dwelling on this far more than I’d like to recently. My Big Star jeans are a bit tighter than they should be, and those fuckers were made to stretch. I will not spend over $100 on a pair of jeans and have them not fit… BAH! Saraswati has continued to come on strong through my journeys and Full Moon Fuckery. I get a sense with working with her that for me, it is largely about breakthroughs. Moments of clarity that come bolting from the blue. This is… well… typical. Have I found the Non-Eris component of my natural chaos/order, fire/water spiritual dilemma? Interestingly enough… I think we’re on to something. Unexpected. And Saraswati is alllllllllllllll kinds of Hierophanty and High Priestessy if you think about it. I dig that. So… if I know the answers already… it’s just largely about motivation or continued endurance rather than access. I am getting LOADS of piercing little breadcrumbs from her, so… Let’s keep the flowin’ goin, eh Flowing One?
I am going to hit the Big Guns on this one. I’ve been saving the Wheel of Change deck for just such an occasion. I struggle to read with it, not because it is bad. It’s actually a very beautiful and strange deck. The images aren’t all that big on traditional symbolism. Instead, they sort of draw one into more intuitive conclusions, with a dreamy shamanic quality, and the possibility for journeys. I find that I must tackle them visually, with my gut, before pulling any tradition into them. I cling to my structure, which makes me prefer RWS based decks for reading, and Thoth-based for magick and meditation. Yet this is one stunner of a deck… I’ve overlooked it before based on the packaging. It’s a bit too Cosmic Cornflakes for me, and actually detracts from the beauty and subtlety of the images. I almost picked it up for half-price when my local witchy shop went out of the retailin’ bizness. But thought… “meh”. Then after seeing it online, and ordering it I realized it was the same deck. I’d just paid more. Don’t judge a deck by the shitty design of the packaging. Judge the shitty designer who thought the shitty packaging was a good idea and not a shitty one… This deck is almost like a shamanic window of sorts for me. The whole deck is on Taroteca here, but the scans are a bit dark and don’t do the vibrant colors justice. Just a little tweaking on the contrast, eh?
So… How do I break this rusty cage? I am going at this a bit more stream of consciousness on some of these. I also seem to want to read my spread backwards. I’m reverse engineering! Woohoo!
3 of Wands
Do something visionary. Be a legend. Be a fucking rockstar. Burn it up… Tear up the stage. Let’s get ready to look SOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I love this card. It speaks to my leonine love of attention. Center stage. I am thinking that whether I want it or not, this could put me at the head of the race up the mountain. All eyes on me. This makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I should learn to play guitar. Great success is implied, but it’s a bit showy. “Look at me! Whoooowhoooo! I’m Billy the Kid, Motherfucker! I’ll make ya’ famous!”. I get a sense of that GREAT FIERY WILL sort of coming together. Three guitars here… not one. A triangle. A foundation. The middle of a yantra. I like yantras.
How To Proceed
The High Priestess / The 7 of Wands / The Empress
Again… I am at the mercy of my Push-Pull. HP on one side, knowing what to do. Gathering the knowledge from the external sources. Taking it in. Nurturing it, quietly. Offering it up to the waters, so that those who can swim will seek the treasures. She knows what to do. I know what to do. Yet I fight the more negative parts of the Empress. She’s lazy. She’s indulgent. She is kind of low energy. “Read a book? Bah. Let’s eat Taco Bell and watch a movie!”. The Empress lives in a sunny, lazy, relaxing, well-upholstried world. She does not have any interest in swimming. I have to fight the need to know all the answers and the inclination to do nothing with them. It’s far more than a weight loss issue or a psychological one. It’s a spiritual one. I fight myself. I have to keep fighting myself. These two sides… deeply desired knowledge and willful ignorance… They fight. I must fight them. Seeing a blaze of fireworks in the night sky, as evident in the 7 of Wands… This will take fire. Jump into the water… while carrying a torch. FIRE! IS! GOOD!
Where I’m At Now
Ready… steady… go! I really love this image. It’s *exactly* where I’m at right now. Fire and water gently carefully balanced and measured out, coming together. Blood, milk, sunshine, rain, earth, wind, water, fire… She stands mastering the elements with precision and care. Not out of power, but out of love and determination. BAM! There it is. Balancing the fire and water… Sure, this could help. Am I here now, or is this where I want to be? Perhaps it’s both. I stand ready to conquer this beastie. Self-Sabotage… it’s a lack of balance. Too much fire brings out the anger, yet too much water brings the sad. We need joy, and calm for this shit to work. Balance… and… push it. Push it real good?
Where I’ve Been
Okay, so based on all of the other stuff I’ve discussed… I’ve been in a better place before, where we had Fire and Water balanced nicely so that the Stupid Self-Saboteur stayed away. I’ve had this harmony before, where I didn’t get myself stopped in this vicious cycle. I am trying to remember when…
When Was That?
Aha… This where reading for yourself comes in handy. The Magician is integral to a time in my life a few years back, where I was doing well weight wise and where I picked up and dusted off my magickal practices. What was I doing then that worked so well? I don’t remember, but it was my state of mind. Lot’s of WILL to be WIELDED. It was a very good time. I felt good, and there were great changes taking place. I think I need to work back to where I was mentally and emotionally at that time, and bottle it. I need some of that now. Magicians are notorious for getting exactly what they want…
Feel good with FIRE & w≋a≋t≋e≋r in balance… become magickally skinny bitch. HOORAY! Shit. I am worn out now. This deck is high energy. I need a drink. Or six.
*I find it highly amusing that in other readings on this topic, I kept getting the Wheel of Fortune as my outcome, or a means to my ends. I wonder if that means the Wheel of Change was needed to unravel this predicament? Synchonicity, BITCHES! YEAH! HOLLLLLLA!