Tarot Cardio with The Chariot

Tarot Cardio with The Chariot


The Chariot... Thoth Deck.

The Chariot becomes a personal trainer… Featuring Strength, The Emperor, The Devil, The Tower, and The HP.

The Chariot: Allllllllllllright LADIES & Gents! Let’s get those flabbity asses moving! On three… One… SPRINT… SPRINT… SPRINT… two- LUNGE… LUNGE… LUNGE… Can you feel that? Oh yeah. I bet you can feel that. BURN! YEAH! Feel it BURN! And… Three…  SPRINT… SPRINT… SPRINT…

Strength: Okay. I can do this. I can do this. Hold steady.

Emperor: Are you kidding me?! This isn’t in the Tarot Cardio Fusion handbook! I know, because I actually read it. Who does this jag-off think he’s fooling? I could teach a better class than this.

Chariot: Feel that… Yeah… Right in the glutes and the shoot… Clench those sphincter muscles! Does it hurt? It should hurt! That means it’s working! LUNGE-LUNGE-LUNGE! On three… Did you have something to add, King?

Emperor: I am NOT a King. I am an Emperor. Outside of this gay-ass yoga-toga studio bullshit, I will smite your ass. I GUARANTEE IT. I am the Emperor of five counties and three municipalities!

Chariot: Not in my class, you’re not! I am the King of Whipping Your Ass into Decent Shape, Mayor McFlab! Drop and give me… Oh… Hey… Devil … What’s your favorite number?

The Devil: (Totally out of breath) Uh… umm… 69.

Chariot: KEEP GOING BITCHES! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! I want to see some SPRINTING! 69… Too high. Look at that gut! Someone has been avoiding the Vomitorium in the Imperial Palace. You! Over there! The one with your hair on fire (Pointing).

The Tower: Yes?

Chariot: Give me a number…

The Tower: Twenty… THREE?

Chariot: Nice one… I can see you’re really feeling the burn. Nice form… Keep it up… KEEP GOING BITCHES, I WANT TO SEE YOU MOVE! Now… Emperor… Drop and give me 23 10 of Swords. NOW!

Emperor: Is that like a push-up? Why don’t you just say push-up instead? I command that you say push-up!

Chariot: I WILL PUSH MY FOOT UP INTO YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T MOVE! NOW! NOW! NOW! Hey Strength… You’re lagging! NINE OF WANDS! NINE OF WANDS! You can do it! Go on, Girl!

Strength: I… feel… the… burn… I…

Chariot: YES! Alright kids, now we’re going to do 8 of Wands Jackknife Double Ace of Swords Twists! Ready, OK! ON THREE…

The Devil: Hey… Strength… Over here.

Strength: Shhhhh… what?

The Devil: Are you feeling the burn… in your sphincter? If not, do you want to?

Strength: Gods… you are disgusting.

Chariot: SILENCE, INSOLENT ONES! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! And… one-and-two-and-three-and-four-and…

The High Priestess: (peeking her head in the door) Excuse me… Is this Advanced Aquatic Yoga for The Major Arcana?

Chariot: NOOOOOOO!!!! THIS IS TAROT CARDIO… MOVE YOUR ASS or GTFO, BITCH!

HP: … … …

Chariot: I AM GOD HERE!!!!! HEY-HO! LET’s GO! SPRINT! SPRINT! SPRINT!

Strength: This class is totally worth the whole $1.5o, don’t you think?

The Tower: Word. Totally.

The Emperor: YES, DRILL SARGENT! (muffled laughter from class)

Chariot: Sarcasm? Is that SARCASM!? GET YOUR NIKES ON, FATASS… It’s time to RUN! RUN FATBOY, RUN! SQUEAL LIKE A PIG WITH THAT PURTY MOUTH OF YOURS! WHO’S YOUR EMPEROR NOW, HUH? RUN!!!!!

Strength: This tough love approach totally works. I will sooooooo totally make my goal weight before my trip to Kawai… No doubt. Got to keep pushing… So worth it. I can do this. I have it in me. I know I do!

Chariot: I AM the OBAMA… and… Strength… YES! WE! CAN!

The Devil: Well, Strength… I’d like to discuss your “purty mouth” after class.

Strength: I am not Obama, so… NO. WE. CAN’T.

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3 thoughts on “Tarot Cardio with The Chariot

  1. Okay, seriously? I totally peed my pants reading this one! XD The sphincter burning made tears roll down my cheeks for really reals. I _knew_ there was something I didn’t Like about the Chariot and you have summed it up BRILLIANTLY here! And Strength – the way she just keeps talking herself into it; so sweet 🙂

    Poor HP… sooooo not her scene, though I’m sure she made a good effort.

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