Dress Shopping with The Empress & The Moon

Dress Shopping with The Empress & The Moon


The Moon: This dress makes me look fat! I’m a disgusting pig! My ass is so big that it practically glows in the dark!!!

The Empress: No it doesn’t, sweetie. The mirror is broken, and it’s making your tushie look distorted. It’s all in your head. Don’t you worry… We’ll find you a dress. Your butt isn’t really that big. You’re not seeing things right. It’s an optical illusion is all!

The Moon: I don’t know what to do… I just feel like my only option is to start collecting cats, and plan to die alone and unloved. What’s wrong with me? I’ve just been so lost and depressed. Like I’m walking around in a fog.

The Empress: Oh…Honey. Don’t cry…Shhhhh… it’s okay. Listen, you’re just having a bad day. You’re going to be fine. One day you’ll meet your Prince Charming. You’ll see! He’ll sweep you off your feet, with his big, strong arms, and tenderly lay you down on the bed, and ravish you… and… Oh. My.

The Moon: And what?

The Empress: … and then we’ll start wedding dress shopping, silly! It will be lovely. You’ll see. I’ll take care of everything. I know a really good caterer, and The Sun is great at making banners! And all of those pesky cats? We’ll give them to the Hermit or the HP. They’re…. you know… cat people.

The Moon: What the hell is wrong with you? None of this is real! It’s all the illusion of happiness… We’re born alone, and we die alone! Don’t you understand that?! And what’s wrong with cat people??!! I am a cat person!

The Empress: Oh… you’re just being silly now, darling. Here… have a cookie! They’re chocolate chip… you’re favorite. Homemade!

The Moon: You have hommade cookies in your handbag?

The Empress: Only for you, dear. I take care of my girls! When I go shopping with Star or Miss World, I always bring a sweater in case they get cold. I was a girl scout… Come prepared! I had a feeling today would be a cookie emergency.

The Moon: I don’t see any dresses here. I feel like I’m lost in a sea of taffeta, without a life raft! What am I going to do?!!?

The Empress: Honey… No crying, mkay? It will make your mascara run! I’ve got my sewing machine set up at home, and some really beautiful dark blue velvet with sparkles that twinkle like little stars. It’s the perfect color for your complexion! I can just make you a dress. Maybe we can do something tight around the bodice… Off the shoulder maybe? Sweetheart neckline? Hmmm… Nipped in at the waist I think. I need to sketch! This is going to be awesome!

The Moon: Okay, I guess, but I’d rather wear black. Just like my soul.

The Empress: Darling! We need to focus! I have sketching to do! Maybe we should pick up a copy of Modern Bride, just in case?

The Moon: Shut-up. I hate you. Go away.

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