Gods, Grant Me the Cojones…

Gods, Grant Me the Cojones…


My younger brother is the one person I worry about more than anyone else.

He’s a bi-polar, narcissist, amputee with PTSD from serving in Iraq, who also has developed a frighteningly bad drinking problem over the last few years. He’s turned almost everyone away, including our own mother. Including me. His only medication is in a bottle.

Naturally, Big Sister is very, very, very concerned.

While I see the road signs with an eerie kind of clarity, I don’t know how many miles he has to go. I have no ethical issues about reading on a third party. It’s no different than googling someone, to see what they’re up to. I haven’t read on it in a while, and of course, since it’s the holidays, he’s on my mind. I’m not doing a spread, just a few questions, one card at a time. (I’m testing Facade still… It’s pretty accurate!)

Which one card sums up my little brother’s current state?

The Star- This is good news. Even though I’m thinking he’s at his darkest and lowest point, there is a beacon of hope. Whether he chooses to reach for it is up for debate, as he’s had many many chances. It will be offered at some point in the near future, and I see it as having a great effect on his life in a long term way.

Is there anything I can do that will help him in his present state?

Five of Pentacles- Great. There is nothing I can do, other than worry for him. Nothing at all. He’s definitely going through some very rough times, and has completely shut me and everyone else out. I’m still here for him. The light is still on. He is welcome, despite all of the pain he’s caused himself and others. Unfortunately, I think he is so mired in it all that he’s not able to see it at present.

If he follows his current path, what is the longterm outcome?

The Chariot- This is my brother’s Lifetime/Personality card. This doesn’t suprise me at all. He will come surging out of the darkness with a renewed sense of vitality and strength. This won’t be without a great deal of willpower, vigilance and effort on his part, but he’ll come through it in a vertiable blaze of glory. This is his personality. This completely fits in with how I see things turning out. Not only will he recover, he’ll be MR. RECOVERY. HERE I AM, WORLD! I HAVE TRIUMPHED, WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE! BEHOLD! I HAVE FOUGHT ALONE, and am VICTORIOUS OVER MY VICES! BEHOLD! He’ll be in a healthier place and when he choses to get there it will happen in a hurry, I know. He won’t acknowledge that anyone might have been there to support him along the way. He’ll make a big show over going it alone, with the kind of over-zealous self-righteousness he exudes with all of the identities he takes on. Deep down, knowing how intensely he likes to take on new personas, I know that eventually if he does become sober, he will be the poster boy for AA. I see him as being the most sanctimonious, self-righteous recovering alcoholic in existence. He’s always worn some kind of uniform… Whether it was being a wanna-be gangsta, a biker, or a soldier. Chariots are very good at changing uniforms, but they always have uniforms. The purpose changes, but the drive and the ego does not. He takes his new identities on, uniform and all, with a strangely transformative brand of enthusiasm. It’s coming. I see it. It doesn’t change things for him right now. He will probably find Jesus also…. That’s so him! He’d make a very convincing Evangelical. (I make light of it. I have to. I gotta deal).

Still… I’d rather have him be a pain in the ass jesus-freak teetotaler than an alcoholic mentally ill mess. I wouldn’t worry about him quite so much. It goes to show, my fears and my hopes for him are very well justified.

Gods, grant me the cojones
to love and accept the Brother I cannot change,
Courage to call him out on his bullshit,
and the wisdom to know when to shut the hell up.

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3 thoughts on “Gods, Grant Me the Cojones…

  1. Hope he finds the Star sooner, rather than later and pray for your sanity-s sake that he finds the evengelical uniform a little too restricting. I don’t see you adapting too well to the role of the family devil-worshipper 🙂

  2. Well, I mean, we do get to wear those awesome velvet robes when we sacrifice babies to the Goat God…

    Perhaps I could sway him over to the dark side! Bwaahahahah!

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