I’ve been thinking, it all boils down to Water, Fire, and Earth for me. Air is an afterthought, and for me isn’t really all that important. Sorry, Swords. You’re S.O.L. I think with my gut and my heart. My brain? Uhhhh… Prolly not.
I feel as if I am two different people sometimes, but neither one of them is a role. That would be too simple. I am that funny, creative, witty, magnetic,bold, charismatic, stylish Queen of Wands who acknowledges her friendly, warm, wise, pragmatic Queen of Pentacles roots. Fire, rooted from burning too hot or too destructively by just enough Earth. Water is something I lack, or do I? Everything I do, or have said, or experienced in the material world springs from Fire and Earth, but my inner-world, the parts of me that are hidden are made from water. I hide my more spiritual side. I hide any depth I might have. I don’t know why. Why am I afraid to be that person? Why am I afraid of the Unknown Reason part of me is so sad? I’m not depressed, but this well-hidden and tender underbelly of sadness colors everything I’ve worked so well to hide. Just what is it that I’m trying to protect? The Fire in me TAKES all it can take, because the Earth in me says “You might as well… It won’t last long.” The Water that I lack feels the loss before anything even can be taken.
When I was young, I made some mistakes with my relationships. Practically, I knew they wouldn’t last long, so I made it a point to enjoy as much as I possibly could before it was too late. If I am going to get hurt, I will do so with a bang! Literally. I wasn’t a bunny boiler, but I liked a lot of sex and really displayed a lot of, shall we say… enthusiasm. This won me many, shall we say… adoring fans. Well, not that many. Just enough. If anything, my inability to chills out my propensity towards Wands-like behavior sped up the process. I liked the boys I dated long term. I liked them for lots of reasons. I enjoyed spending time with them, preferably naked. I enjoyed that part a lot! So did they. I didn’t have the hang-ups that a lot of my competition did, in terms of sex. I needed to “feel”, and the intensity of sex was exactly what helped me to do that. If I had any real feelings for these boys, I kept them hidden well. Again, more refusal or acknowledgment of Cups/Water! I suppose it has everything to do with protection. They did not love me, and the longer we went through dog and pony show (not literal dogs and ponies! I’m not that freaky!), the more attached I became. The moment I felt that, maybe, perhaps I did have some feelings, or the moment that I opened up just a little, was usually the moment it was over. Time and time again. I never said the “L” word, of course. Or even asked for commitment. I just inadvertently or subconsciously let the mask slip. They got a glimpse of the Water, and they ran. It was probably coincidence, but it certainly didn’t help me feel any better about opening up.
When I was young, it was far more prevalent. I was a sad kid, for no real reason. I wasn’t depressed, not exactly. I felt at odds. I felt like an outsider. I felt as if I didn’t belong, and that I understood the world in a way that those around me didn’t. I felt old and tired, and I wasn’t even in my teens. I was a quiet kid too. For those who know me now, that would shock them. As I grew up, I grew into my Fire side. A professional Tarot reader I know has commented on how well I’ve buried it. I respond that I’m not necessarily playing a role, it’s just all of my many sides are not balanced as they should be. I like who I am… I just wish I was more consistent.
I was pretty repressed as a kid… I am not that way at all now. I had a need to feel things intensely, but no means to do so. Passion is passion, no matter what it is for. Now that I do have a great deal of outlets for that, fueled by Fire, whether sex or art or writing or music, I still can’t help but I feel like I missed the boat. There is a disconnect. That intense way of throwing yourself into the moment, and emotional connectedness isn’t quite the same. I concealed my emotions well as a kid, and now I let em’ all hang out. I live to create, and I throw myself into my projects. Yet the need to do so steamrolls right over any meaning inherent in them. Perhaps the meaning is what I am missing. Perhaps the two need to come together somehow. I wish I knew.
The thing with Fire is that it can take over if you’re not too careful. My Earth side buried the Water. Instead of balance, I ignored it completely except when I was most vulnerable. I see it most in my relationships, but there are other places too. My husband is the only man I ever knew who was okay with the Water. If anything, he is the only person in my life who understands the Water, the Fire, and the Earth, and loves me as a the sum of my parts. I am thankful every single day that he’s around. I know it’s sappy, but it’s nice to have someone get it, and have the patience to put up with you.
Still… the Water is a struggle for me. It rises to the surface more of late. As I Travel, I learn more about the mysteries it holds. I need to know why I feel so much loss, when I’ve lost nothing. By ignoring the most tender and vulnerable parts of myself in order to protect them, have I lost some part of myself that needs retrieval? I don’t know.
I see it now, where I didn’t see it before. There is a connection, and Tarot is HUGE. I don’t have to turn my back on the Queen of Wands in order to step into my role as the High Priestess. The problem is, I just don’t know how to do it. I’m working on it, through it, and most importantly within it. It’s not a transformation, it’s a shift of priorities. A Rebalancing. All of the raw stuff is there, I just need to throw it on the scales.
Maat, Special K, Sophia, Athena, Persephone, and Anubis are part of it. Some I understand. Some I do not. Tarot? That’s part of it too. Tarot has allowed me to see it, or at least take some kind of inventory of it.
My only goal is to be able to look within, around, and beyond, feeling a sense of balance and wholeness in what I see.
I am the Hanged Man, awaiting instructions from a Higher Power. I am the Star, gently seeing the hopeful pin pricks of light flicker on slowly one by one. I am the High Priestess, or I will become more like her. All that flows within, goes directly through her.
I could live with that.