I am a creature of intuition, more than anything else. If I follow the path of “what feels right”, it tends to take me to some very interesting places. For a long time, I’ve struggled with my eclecticism, thinking that perhaps those who follow a more traditional spiritual path are right to be wary of people like me, who appear on the surface to “cherry pick” their beliefs. I’m struggling to let that go, and my work with the tarot has helped to that end. I’m nowhere near feeling comfortable with all this, and I suppose if I was feeling comfortable, it would mean I was doing something wrong. It could also mean something akin to cherry picking the good-happy-shiny-people-holding-hands stuff that darts along the path, and tossing out the deep, dark, scary, cthonic aspects of my gods that causes me to confront the darker and more hidden parts of myself. These are things that are hard to look at. Hard to celebrate. But, as I’ve found, I don’t really have a choice. If I am to grow or evolve in any spiritual manner, they must be tended to. It fits into the bigger picture. It’s a cohesive whole. It works together. I suppose that is what is more important than anything else.
I return to the issue again and again, trying to be thoughtful and respectful to my critics, rather than defensive. I’ve also said time and time again that I’d not advocate this type of path for everyone. Yes, the exploration is one of the fun parts, but you never know what type of skeletons you’re going to unleash behind Door#1. You’ve got to be willing to work though what comes up, even if it’s painful…
Obligatory Rambling about Gods & Monsters & Kundalini & My Questionable Sanity To Follow… Lack of Tarot & Lack of Sense May Be Present, but What We Lack in Tarot & Sense We Make Up for in Rambliciously Philosophical Style fnord.
I haven’t written about much of this, let alone talked about it succinctly before. Part of me fears judgment. Would people look at me and who I am as a person differently if they knew all this? My husband knows most of it in bits and pieces, but I’ve never really sat down to write on it, to put it all together. Here goes. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m enjoying the ride. Mostly…
I’m in a rotten way at present. I know I’m not going crazy, but I don’t know if I like what is happening. I think Kundalini is waking up (I’ve known that for a long time… I just haven’t wanted to deal with it). I’m fucked. The Weirdness! I haven’t talked about this much at all. My husband knows, and is very sweet about it. Over the last two years, the Weirdness has gotten, increasingly weirder. I’m hanging with it. I’m a trooper, but… damn, yo! Explainations, please! I have strange bouts of dizziness, oddly random rushes of electricity and tingling sensations throughout my body that aren’t wholly unpleasant. It happens a few times a day. I have involuntary movements of my head and neck during any kind of energy work or meditation, like it’s trying to stretch itself out. It makes a movement, then does the same thing on the other side to balance out. So fucking weird! My massage therapist and I are entertained by it. It happens if I try to rest or meditate or listen to a self-hypnosis cd. It happened while doing tai-chi. My body always feels better after it does this, but I have no conscious control over it. If I am concentrating on something, or again doing any kind of meditation or energy work, I’ll often get a very strong sensation of my spine elongating, or uncoiling. I feel something at the base of my spine begin to lengthen and uncoil, like a double helix of dna being pulled taut, or a piece of curled gift wrap ribbon being slowly stretched. As it stretches, I feel as if my spine is made of spinning golden gears or wheels, and that my body’s axis is spinning or working in connection with something bigger or beyond itself. I feel it most in my solar plexus and up. Again, it’s more or less random. Sometimes I get Gears without the Snake. Sometimes not.
I tend to feel different than my usual self while it’s happening. More connected. More intuitive. It’s creepy. Me no likey. The muscle twitches, headaches, neck and upper back pain, stomach troubles, horrible fatigue, more focus on spiritual and psychic matters, the way the tarot has finally “clicked” after so many years, and above all increased connection with the divine… FUCK! Lately, it’s gotten stronger. I’ve struggled for a long time with getting into light trance states. For path working, meditation, or magickal workings it’s necessary. I have a bad case of Monkey Mind, so I have to really work at it. Certain music helps (don’t ask me why… Lady Gaga puts me into a light trance state every time. It’s further proof that I am royally fucked). Lately, I’ve been randomly snapping into a trance state with no conscious induction at all! Snap-Trance… W00t! I have to be laying down or resting, but… BAM! Over the last two weeks, I’ve had some profound experiences when it’s happened. Altered states of consciousness… without drugs! Oh my! My chakras from my solar plexus up also spring open randomly. The root and sacral chakras are tricky for me. I can’t get the suckers open. The rest? I don’t need my throat or my heart chakra suddenly whirling open while I am watching Weeds.
The randomness of all of it smack of Eris… Boy-howdy, does it ever! All I can do is laugh, and hit myself on the head with my shoe. What can you do? Hail Eris, full of Monkeys… My Turkey Curse is Forever Funky. Her Apple Corps is Strong.
I’ve had a lot of experiences with the Gods, some good, some faint, some unbearable. Since May, I’ve had a few that trouble me deeply. I don’t call on them, they usually come to me. Dropping references to themselves, funny little synchronicities, coincidences, symbols, dreams, weird bouts of intuition, sometimes an appearance or a word or two in the back of my mind. It’s faint, as if the minute web of fiber-optic cables that connect us are stretched too thin. We have a bad connection, often. It’s weird to describe or put into words, and I haven’t tried to really honestly do so before. I feel weird about it. Guilty, in some way, that I truly am off my nut for even thinking about it. I still question it, although I am more comfortable working with it. A few times, I’ve had a god or Whatthefuck penetrate the cables and wires more loudly, more forcefully. It was not a Happy Shiny Goddess Moment. This was no gentle breeze rustling the trees. Instead, it was a mighty gust that shook the rafters, and blew the roof off. I’ve only had a few of these, and I can’t say that I want more. It’s too much for me, but I suppose I have to get through it as best I can. It’s not an everyday thing for me. I think of the gods daily, some I honor routinely, but I don’t interact with them that often. The times when I do are far too strong for me to want that.
I want a simpler spiritual life. I was happy as a pantheist, who didn’t bother with any ritual or practices. But, I’m headed elsewhere, and you really can’t go back. I have a choice, of course. I can ignore it, or see where it goes. This goes somewhere good. I want to see where it goes, even if the seas are fraught with monsters and beasties galore.
I look to mythology as a guideline, but I have no problem with appropriating the gods for my own practices. They come to me, and not the other way around. If it feels right to honor them in some way, I will. Sure, I could probably argue with a recon about the “validity” of my practices, but they’re largely between me and the gods I honor. I feel we all have to do what is right for us, and the way the gods wish for us each to see them. The message is what matters. We all have different kinds of eyes. They only show us what we are able to see, in the best way we can understand it. Some gods are far gentler than I’d expect. Anubis’ role for me as a guide, guardian, and friend has been one of the best things to come out of this whole process. With any kind of pathworking, he shows up, with a hand on my shoulder, there to guide or protect if needed. When it first happened, I was confused, thinking only of his role as funerary god. What I got was different. Some have surprised and delighted me, like Ganesha. He’s one of my Go-To Gods. Go-To Gods get permanent altar space. Some I can talk about. Some I can’t. Eris, was my “first”. Not an easy god for most, really. Isis is the goddess who got me over my issues with being a polytheist. Others drift in and out. They’ll come on strong for a while, and disappear until we need to work together again. I like this, actually. I get to know more of them this way.
The strongest experiences have been with an unnamed goddess or entity I’ll call The High Priestess. She is some archetypal, undiluted source of power, from which other goddesses like Athena, Maat, and Sophia spring. She is Wisdom, Insight, Truth, Justice, Balance, Thunder, and Power. I can’t really talk about what happened, or what lead me to that assumption, but it lead me to the conclusion that there is something to monism.
The Divine/The Big WTF —> Individual Aspect (Wisdom & Knowledge, or the HP) —> Multiple Manifestations of Aspect (Athena, Maat, Sophia) —> Me
HP sort of cut out the middle man. Jackpot! I’m still trying to figure out what she wants, and I keep coming back to the water. I am a Fire & Earth sort of girl. I’m all about bold, creative, ideas, and displays of style that are deeply rooted by my naturally cheerful form of pragmatism. It’s easy, too easy in fact, to stick with such. I can ignore the deeper stirrings of intuition and the need to unravel the closely guarded mysteries and mist-shrouded truths… I can ignore them easily. Yet, there has always been a deep sense of loss that I’ve carried within me. I’ve lost something, and I don’t know what it is. I’ve mourned this something that I am missing. My life is good, filled with the abundance and love that springs from the Fire and Earth I know and live so well. But the water leads me other places that might have these answers. I’ve cried for what I’ve lost. I don’t understand. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. The HP knows… She knows. She tells me that I know too, but that I need to work to find it. I am trying. I’ve found ways to work with her, and slowly the pieces of the puzzle float to the surface. They are crumbs. Morsels. Nothingness. Yet I’ll take it, and she knows that too.
I’ve also unearthed some very deep dark stuff with Persephone, and her dark/light aspects. Metaphorically, it’s always been one of those myths that I really loved and identified with. I’ve worked with her through her Spring aspect many times. In a trance, I saw her face as Queen of the Underworld. Working with Anubis, I am comfortable with gods of the underworld to a degree. This was something else. I was looking at the face of death. I always do something to honor Persephone’s descent into the underworld during fall, and her return in the spring. I’ve decided to incorporate that into my Day of the Dead festivities. It feels right to do it that way. Why not combine the return of the Queen of the Dead with a celebration of the Dead? I never thought of that. Perhaps the veil is thinner during that time for a very specific reason, as she makes her descent. Yeah, I’m sure it’s some type of cultural misappropriation, and that I’d probably get my ass handed to me by some recons and from the Mexican-American community. Hey… I’m only doing what the god ask me to do. It was their idea. It feels right, and I think it will be fun and enlightening.
I’ve also had several experiences with Special K, who is a goddess from the Hindu pantheon, whose name starts with K, and whose name I can no longer speak. If I do, I’ve noticed that I tend to get very nauseous and dizzy. No joke. Started early this week. I’m not pregnant. I’ve had a very rough week of it, since the whole Special K thing started. It took me a bit to figure it out, and I wish I was joking. I am beginning to understand that she has some integral role in what is going on with me, and that I’ve got to ride it out. She is scary, but not completely. It’s a visceral, deep wave of nausea that grips me, and I get woozy not unlike having food poisoning. I often have trouble grounding when doing a working, and this feels a little like that except more random.
I’ve been feeling better since I figured it out. I also didn’t realize that the Kundalini energy is linked to her. The connection makes since. I don’t know what I’m doing with any of it. It’s new. I suppose I will find out.
I’m not asking for any of this, but since it’s happening all around me, I am playing the part of the Hanging Man. I’m abandoning myself to the Process. I ask for nothing, except a few clues to point me in the right direction. I know better than to trifle with the Oldies but Goodies. Special K destroys and creates. I think perhaps, and maybe I’m wrong, she is here to show me how to break down the barriers I’ve put up inside, and get to the root of it all.
That is why I Travel. I kneed to KNOW what I already KNOW but think I’ve FORGOTTEN. ARGGHHHH!!!!!
It’s all about water.
Eris, keeps me from going totally crazy.
Upwards and onwards. I might be crazy, but the gods are crazy too. The journey has brought wonderful people and ideas into my life. The White-Lighters don’t like it, but I feel that sometimes we must endure unpleasant or painful things in order to grow and learn to be the kind of souls we’re meant to be. We choose these things, and we choose to work through them. I am a stronger person for having endured some pain, discomfort, and hardship. It was a learning experience. You have to learn, or you won’t grow. You won’t know how strong you can be, if you never have a need to flex your muscles.
I am there now. I can whine, but Special K warned me not to. It’s best to do what she says, unless you want to take a second look at your lunch. Trust me… I’ve been drinking ginger ale like a mo-fo this week.
The rest remains to be seen.