the high priestess from the Phantomwise Tarot © 2004-2012 Erin Morgenstern

I’m going to do something absolutely crazy, fun, scary, and totally straight from the book of right-on…

I’m going semi-pro. I’m going to read at a psychic fair!

Now, it’s just a small local one and I know quite a few of the vendors. The venue is in the beautiful old town I still consider my home, even though I don’t physically live there anymore. While the town is magical and magickal to me, the venue itself is too. It’s the first place I ever really got truly memorably drunk. It was memorable for everyone else… I don’t remember a thing.

It’s a huuuuuge step for me, but I think it will be fun. The experience of it is enough for me. I’m not doing this to make money… I’m working for ridiculously cheap! I’ll probably make a little extra pocket money, which I’m sure I’ll spend with some of the vendors there. It’s also a chance to redeem myself. I still feel ashamed for leaving my design career behind, but I realize now there was no other way. Physically, that’s not how things can work with me. FUBARmyalgia and slutty-rib syndrome, yo! Respect! The job I have does work, and doing tarot work is actually preferable to squabbling over the details of a shitty t-shirt design with a client who believes they know good design better than you do. If I talk and move, I am in less pain. If I begin the design process, I have a good chance to obsess over details, go into OCD mode until everything is PERFECT IT MUST BE PERFECT, ignore my needs, crash and I am not productive in much of anything other than maybe eating junk food.

Design classes absorbed all of the energy that once went into tarot, and I now realize I have a chance to bring them both together in a small sort of way. I know how to pimp it, more or less. I haven’t done design work in a while, and I’m careful not to throw myself into a project too often. Preparing for the show is a chance to use that skill for myself for once. I want to have fun doing this without triggering the negative side of that. I need to keep it simple, yet flexible…

From my business cards to my table display, I have an idea. It’s important to me to be honest about what I’m about. It’s not fairies or unicorns. I’m a friendly ear with a powerful tool whose goal is to help. Still… I can’t help but want to make the display convey that too. I want it to be approachable, subtly mystical, yet bold. I’m selling me as a reader, but I’ve also got to draw you in. I’m confident that I can do that, or at least stand out.

Morgan’s Tarot is part of it, and I’m also looking for a Rider-Waite based deck in black and white to use as well. Yes, only I would choose a brand new (to me) deck to use for my first my first display of public psychic fuckery. The Hermetic deck is not quite what I want. The BOTA color-it-yourself deck is too blah.

I’m getting the Light & Shadow deck, and the Fan Tod pack!

I also discovered the out-of-print yet also not-quite-completely-in-print Phantomwise Tarot by Erin Morganstern. I’m delighted, and mesmerized. I want to slowly tip toe behind the fool, and watch how her journey unveils. I’m usually such a color whore, but not for this one. The black, white, and grey is so lovely. I’m in love! Please someone publish this deck! Before my psychic fair, preferably.

I need something… THIS!

Another delightful thing? Morganstern is also the author of The Night Circus, a book I’ve been wanting to read.

So, it’s a project. I’m taking my time, and doing it for the right reasons. I’m not going to have sleepless nights slaving over a hot photoshop with my fascia stinging like a wasps nest made of pins to make it happen. I will do the work, but simple. Gentle.

Softly through the void!

I’m no longer a student. I’ve officially skipped a grade or two and am officially deserving of the title the High Priestess in more ways than just the weed related way.

I’d say I mean that ironically, but who am I kidding? I’m as high as a mother-fuhhhhgheddtaboutit right now, son!

Great Universal Mother of All Fuckers… I’m official. Kali-Ma-MA-GAGA-OOH-LA-LA has left the building, paring me down to my core. Hades and Persephone coaxed me back into life with the comforting familiarity of the Underworld. How can I ever fear death when it is inevitable, and the possible outcomes aren’t that bad? What? Wait for another life? I improve with age, and I’d like to think I wise up a bit each go-round on the Great Wheel. I like the Underworld. You know when you go there. He is the Fire of Earth. It’s warm but dense. Being grounded by Hades has been good. I’m back in balance on all accounts. Not much action like Shiva, but when he’s particularly pleased I always smell garlic and cooking meat!

There is a light that never goes out. I’ve always known that, and They tried to tell me. I just lacked the maturity and the ability to listen. It’s amazing what having your own bullshit smack you in the face in front of the LIVING embodiment of your self-proclaimed PATRON GODDESS can do.

No matter where you look around, we all have bullshit going down.

Do what thou wilt, but don’t be a dick (unless absolutely necessary).

It’s really that simple for me. If I’m kind to others, I get it back. There are so many good things that I don’t even know where to begin! I’m excited to write again and excited for what comes next.

Too late to turn back now, but I like where I’m headed. The strange coincidences are sacred occurrences. I live in a world both magic(k)al and real in ways that sometimes break my heart. I’ve always lived this way. I just never realized that it was always my religion, it just had no name.

I pull a tarot card at the beginning of each year. This year, I pulled the Hermit. I knew it was Hekate without question.

This should be a very interesting year.

I’m re-witched, reborn, and ready.

When Hekate is rockin’, you witches best be knockin’. Rock and roll.

I like The Babies. They’re a kickass band. It has nothing to do with anything other than that fact.

And… Yeah. It’s been a while. I’ve been busy.

So, about that whole Amma thing? A lot of that was my own bullshit coming to the surface. Things are better everywhere all over. It’s getting a little bit better all the time…

No turning back now.

I’ve made my choice.

Let’s roll. Enough of this Persephone victim-esque bullshit. This is the Queen of the Underworld talking.

I’ve talked the talk for long enough. Time to hoist up the bootstraps and get down to some serious bidness. I have work to do and I’m finally empowered to do it.

It’s amazing and it’s scary, but I’m ready.

We both went in with an open mind and an open heart… I had no expectations other than it was going to be an adventure, and that I’d probably learn something in the process.
I was expecting an environment that matched Amma’s message of divine love, compassion, and selfless service. Instead, my mom and I were repeatedly stopped and haggled by Amma’s pushy white-clad program volunteers for different reasons. Multiple times we were interrupted for different reasons, asking if we’d registered, had our tokens, or if we wanted to volunteer to do a shift in the bookstore and cafeteria. It seemed that everyone we encountered seemed tired, weary, pushy, impatient, or just in a bad mood. It was very disconcerting. My mom and I joked that it seemed like Amma’s followers needed a hug worse than we did! There were far too many volunteers milling about and getting in the way of the crowd. It was a hindrance rather than a help. It made for a chaotic environment rather than a pleasant one.  To act so sour and unkindly in a room full of wanting, needing, hurting souls in need of the amazing hug that will answer all their prayers? It seemed strange to both of us, but we finally managed to get through the crowd and took our seats.

We soon realized that we picked the wrong place to sit, as throngs of people navigated the aisle right next to us to browse in the bookstore.The commercial aspect of it all was more Disneyland than love and selfless service. I was shocked by the overwhelming amount of merchandise with Amma’s likeness. Pictures of Amma, CDs, Amma statuary, Amma dolls, and beads worn by Amma? All this is well and good, but it seemed excessive and unnecessary. She is little better than a mascot. We both realized that people seemed to worship and pray to Amma like a goddess, which might explain all of the paraphanalia branded with her likeness. It reminded me more of a sporting event than a spiritual one. By the cash register, there was a basket of random items that had been given to Amma by others as an offering. All of them had price tags on them and were being resold! I have a hard time with that… It seems so unethical and rude towards her followers. Someone had offered her a tube of Icy-Hot, probably thinking it would sooth her sore painful muscles after a 12-hour Hug-a-Thon. That’s a very thoughtful gesture, but it still ended up in the basket rather than being given to someone who needs it more.

I also noticed that in the giftshop, there was a discerning lack of any Kali imagery. I wondered if perhaps images of Kali-Ma might be disturbing to some in the West. How can Amma be the purported “human embodiment of Kali” and not reflect that side of her? The small handful of Kali dolls were too cute to really be frightening to anyone.

When the meditation started, I tried to calm and center myself but I started feeling uncharacteristically nervous, fluttery, and out of sorts. I’m familiar with guided meditation, but I’ve never had anything like that happen before. I noticed a terrible knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, with my gut-brain reflex giving me a queasy “WARNING!!!” sign. I had no idea where it was coming from. I’m sensitive to energy and would normally take the time to do some shielding. I wanted to be respectful of Amma’s culture and tradition, so I did not take my usual course of action. I got so dizzy and nauseous that I spent most of the meditation with my hands over my eyes and my head between my knees praying to Kali that I wouldn’t throw up. In my spiritual practice, I do work with Kali on occasion. This crazy wave of anxiety that I experienced has only happened a few times in my life, and it was always associate with Kali-Ma. My mom just thought my blood sugar was low, but it wasn’t. It felt like Kali was trying to give me a warning, although I could be wrong. My gut-brain is seldom wrong, and my gut-brain is where Kali seems to lurk.

Once the darshan line started, I grounded a bit and tried to feel a little bit better. Both of us waited and watched. My mom commented on how phony some of the people on the stage seemed. At one point, I looked up towards the darshan line, and noticed a woman who appeared to buckle at the knees in front of Amma. Out of spiritual ecstacsy? I thought maybe, until I noticed the attendants pushing and pulling at her as she tried to adjust the small child whom she held on her hip. This alarmed me a bit, but maybe she just lost her balance? Pushy jerks, I thought. That’s not terribly compassionate or loving behavior.

As I reached the very last chair, there was a row of two or three people kneeling before Amma, waiting for their own hug. The attendants were chaotically forcing them down on their knees, with two or more shoving them forward. There was a couple in front of me… A heavyset gentleman who winced in pain as they prodded at him to kneel. His wife held a one-year-old child on her hip. Just like the other woman from earlier, she lost her balance as they pushed her downward. She tried to keep her little one safely in her arms, but they paid her no mind. Their only intention was to keep the line moving, not at all caring that she nearly dropped her child. They jerked her husband to his feet, and his knee appeared to give out and he sunk to the ground. They yanked at his shirt instead of helping him up It hurt me to see this. There was no reason to be so rude and pushy.
Did they care? Did they try to be as gentle and loving as the woman three feet away from them is supposed to be? No. Not at all.

I figured out what I was supposed to do, which seemed to be kneel, duck and cover! As I went to kneel down on my own, I was pushed down by an attendant on the side while also being pushed forward by another in back of me. I was lost in the chaos of other devotees and bodies surrounding Amma, and there wasn’t a moment where some attendant wasn’t rushing me forward, pulling at me or pushing me down. Multiple people were asking me questions, but I had only momentary awareness of them. I know an attendant accepted my offering of flowers, but I couldn’t physically see (I bet they recycled them and put them back in the flower booth). I tried to cover my head. The noise and the heat from the bodies was unbearable. For a minute or two, I completely blacked out. I was conscious of my feet being in the material world, but my head went somewhere else. I only saw white and nothing else. I don’t know where I was, but I was momentarily comfortable. I felt someone wash my face and push my head towards Amma’s white robed knee. I felt a hand on my back, and I decided that I needed to let all that go, and just be in the moment. No turning back now! l felt my fist clench firmly in protest, but was not able to instruct my body to release it or even move. Amma hugged me, robotically, and very matter of factly as she muttered something in my ear. It was too garbled to make out any specific sounds, like static blowing in my ear. I felt this, but still could only see white. As she spoke, I drifted into a place of grey nothingness for just a moment. It was blank, vacant, and felt like it was trying to squash my light. Within an instant, I was jolted back to reality. Someone pushed some rosepetals and a Hershey Kiss into my hand and two attendants jostled me from my stupor and pulled me away before I even got the chance to pull myself to my feet.

I still couldn’t see, but somehow I navigated through the throngs of devotees sitting at her feet. I came to as they literally shoved me off the platform. It was a relief to find that I could finally see my own two feet on the carpet. When I finally got to a spot clear of people, I threw my hands up in front of me, as a gesture of protection. I had no idea what was happening. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and felt spaced-out, like I was painfully coming down off of some quick and etheric high. I looked frantically behind me for my mom, who was a few spaces behind me in the darshan line, but she’d already been forced to kneel. An attendant stopped me and asked me if I’d like to sit down. “No! I’m going outside now, thank you very much!” I snapped, completely lucid and completely pissed off. I did not enjoy that experience in the least. I hadn’t heeded my gut reaction that something was very wrong.

How did I feel? Terrible. Confused, bewildered, and angry. I was angry to see others treated that way with no one sensitive to their obvious needs. I felt like Amma had invaded my space somehow, first through her followers and then through her odd effect on me. I felt like she wanted to take all that was good in me, just like Kali takes all of the bad. There was no love there. If being manhandled like a puppet or a side of beef is love, then I’m just not interested. That’s not love. While in Amma’s perfunctory and mechanical embrace, I felt nothingness. Nothing.
I saw my poor mom wandering around just as dazed as I was. We quickly composed ourselves and left. Both of us decided that this was really more of a dog and pony show masquerading as spirituality. I’ve always been at odds with my relationship with Kali, but not anymore. I don’t trust Amma, and I don’t think she is who she markets herself to be.

Later that night I had a dream where Amma’s eyes flashed white without pupils or irises, and her tongue lolled out fierce and fiery like Kali herself, and in that dream I told her to go away and leave me alone because Amma is not welcome in my spiritual house. Ever.

I’m not alone in that…

http://feelgoodgirl.com/node/434
http://www.illuminati-news.com/articles2/00269.html

I wanted an adventure, and my gods always deliver.

It’s June and things are finally getting better all over.

I’m thankful for all of my resources and I’m glad that I saw the writing on the wall.

Also known as the glue that binds God, god, Gods, gods, The Universe, Nature, The Divine, The Collective Unconscious, The Material World, The Underworld, The Microcosm, The Macrocosm, Energy, Matter, Time, Spirit, Creativity and Consciousness… You know… All that good stuff. I have no idea how it works. I just trust that it does.

Perhaps that’s faith or perhaps it’s simply that I trust my experiences and enlightenment thus far to know that it’s all gonna be okay.

Seriously. Humans worry too much about what deities want or don’t want. It’s really simple. A deity who cares for you and wants to help you will show you what it needs or wants from you. A deity with whom you have no connection or business troubling will not make it so easy. We have a vast array of spiritual choices. If Jesus is just alright with you, that’s totally okay with me as long as you don’t get in the way of my Saraswati Partay.

Ain’t no partay like a Saraswati partay cos’ a Saraswati partay don’t stop!

At this point in existence, it’s a Super Spiritual Smorgasborg O’ Spirit. The dazzling array of choices at the buffet is daunting. Sure, not everyone in the world is down with religious freedom or personal choice, but they’ll come around eventually. The fact that parts of the world are more open to different spiritualities, philosophies, and isms? This is a step in the right direction.

Still, I don’t want to believe. Not even now. Not after all this. My life was much easier before ALL THIS. But… here I am! I gladly accept the great gifts my gods have given me. They always provide what I ask for, just not always in the way I wanted. I get to my destination eventually, I suppose, and that’s good enough.

It’s not perfect, and I don’t want anyone to think so. Perfection is not my goal. Answers and a sense of knowing my place in the Patterns is enough for me. I have that. I know things I can’t share with anyone, but I’m still learning how to keep my big mouth shut.

I’m a very talkative girl. My crocodile mouth bites my hummingbird ass every time. Bigmouth Strikes Again.

My gods are patient with me. Since weaving an alliance of sorts with Kwan Yin, I’ve been able to see the greater good in all of my recent trials. It’s a thin veil of divine love that makes the throes of a Kali Purge worth it.

I’ve purged gods I no longer needed. Relationships change with gods like they do with people.

If the Greek’s taught us anything about divinity it’s that even the gods are infallibly human at times. Sometimes they get it wrong. Each person is different and how it will be interpreted is hard to say.

I don’t know much of anything other than what I know in my gut, the place where my connection to Kali lurks, beaming brightly through my solar plexus but burning the bottom of my heart chakra.

So, Great Big WTF… I’m not saying “Bring it On!”. I’m saying… “If you must, please go with the path of least resistance.”

You popped my shiny pink bubble and let me bounce off the rocks a couple of times. Not cool, bro. Not cool at all. I want a velvety soft cushion of marshmallow fluffy down pillows to land on. Or do me a solid and make it a liquid! Anything.

It’s been a rough road. Less is more.

I want peace. The complete Persephone Path offers great transformation and rebirth, but one cannot pursue it indefinitely. The push/pull of the Kore vs. The Queen of the Underworld was too intense for me to handle for such a long time. The Erisian wildcard gave it unnecessary sparkage. My Kali Yuga may well pass eventually.

So, let’s make my little Mini Pilgrammage a good one, eh? Let’s do it!

XOXO-

Eris Q. Hilton

This damn road to wherever I’m going has been more of a long and winding road.

Lately, I get nudges from my gods through random songs. This happens a lot during spring, which is my Saraswati season. Saraswati season has been difficult and postponed due to strange weather. I burst into tears and had to pull over when Persephone nudged me through an ADELE song. Shit. Kali just gave me a little kick a’la the Talking Heads. This isn’t unusual, it’s just been more intense and frequent than normal.

The problem is that I don’t know what normal is anymore. No clue.

Still… In brief without getting all insanely boring and meta wit tha’ deets? Getting better. Massive improvement on all fronts, spiritually in particular.

It’s been so slow. So awfully slow. I’ve hit pay dirt in a few areas and received the messages or guidance I needed in others, but it didn’t come easy. I’m raw and exposed like a nerve. Everything hits me harder, deeper, and more directly than normal.

The not-so-nice morning of flinging myself on the living room sofa, crying and pleading to Kali to please make this all stop or at least calm down so I can get my ass to work on time? Yes. I’ve had a few more of those than I need.

I am calm on the outside, but my insides are still a mess. All of them. Improvement is slow and steady, but I’ve grown impatient. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life on all fronts.

Still… I’m a scrappy bitch when I have a mind to be. I don’t even know where the boundaries of the rabbit hole end or begin. Experiencing a very real spiritual crisis when you’re a lowly solitary eclectic who likes to write about stuff, but has no one to talk to when the current gets rough? It takes the worse and magnifies it, blowing it out of proportion. The good? It’s been hard for me to appreciate, but I try. I stick with simple joys. They are the only ones who haven’t failed me.

I’ve been reading Jean Shinoda Bolen’s Goddesses in Everywoman. It’s an excellent book and it’s helped me immensely. I am a Persephone woman with strong Athena and Aphrodite patterns. To have Persephone the archetype running wild through your psyche and worshiping Persephone the Kore or Queen of the Underworld as a patron goddess?!

The High Priestess in me revels in it. The lunar mysterious side of me adores it. It’s part of what has allowed me to go as far as I’ve gone in such a short time. Not that I have all the answers, but I’ve been on some excellent adventures at her hand.

I should have known Our Lady of Spring, Death, and Rebirth wasn’t done with me.

I shut off the receptivity valves, but apparently we’re still parting ways.

This book is one I’d recommend for any woman, Pagan, polytheist, or not. At points, I teared up because I saw myself for what I am without any filters and how some of my behaviors effect others.

I’ve found some great books that have helped me through this leg of the journey. Books remind me that I’m not alone, and you’re not either.

As an aside, The Red Book: The Red Book: A Deliciously Unorthodox Approach to Igniting Your Divine Spark by Sera Beak has been a delightfully hilarious and deeply insightful romp through creating your own eclectic and meaningful personal spiritual path. I wish I’d had a book like this years ago when I was a young woman! You know when spiritually curious girls start browsing the Wicca 101 section at Barnes & Noble? I’d love to take that girl aside and say “Put down the Silver Ravenwolf. Getcha’ a little Uncle Scotty Cunningham, and read The Red Book. You’ll thank me later.” I didn’t want to like it… One of the reviews compared her to a spiritual Carrie Bradshaw, which made me vomit. Thankfully there is some real meaty and powerful stuff under the entertaining fluff. I’ve done essentially the same thing with my own path, just in a more round about and painful way involving more drugs.

To each his own, but keep grabby your hands off my stash.

I’m still learning, but it’s all on me to do the work. I’m just worn out by all of it. I need to rest, but I can’t. Not yet.

I’d caution all those who are sticking to a solitary, eclectic path… When you have a dark night of the soul, you’d better be damn sure you have reinforcements. I’ve been delightfully skipping from one current to the next without much regard for shielding or protecting myself. The spiritual receptivity that Persephone brought me has overall been a good thing, but not on all fronts.

I’m taking it back. I’m calling the shots. I am the one who chooses the direction. I’ve learned that one can only be so open without letting the bad in with the good.

I’ve been cruelly dropped from my bubble, and allowed to sink into darker places that were not accessible before.

The honeymoon is over, kids.

Thankfully, I’m not alone. I’m making a bit of a journey next week. I couldn’t ignore the signs or the synchronicities. It’s not a long journey, since I’m fortunate to live where I do. I’m going to visit someone who might be able to shed some light on all this.

I’ve known for a while that June was the time where it would all come together and make sense.

I’ve been experiencing depression for the last few months as well… Something that is foreign and disruptive to me.

I’ve had too many points where I really don’t know what to do anymore and I’m tired of being so exhausted. I am spiritually exhausted. I smoke to cope these days instead of smoking to see. I need a middle ground or at least some peace.

So… next weekend, I’m going to go see Amma and get in line to get a hug. I need answers, clarity, help or something. Just being able to reach out to someone else and ask for help is difficult for me. I learned to be independent and good at managing my resources from a very young age. It’s been a good thing in my life, but not for spiritual matters. I don’t know it all, and sometimes even the most independent of us need some guidance.

I am the Fool… I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I know it’s where I’m supposed to go.

I just have to relax, let go, and get in line for once. Literally.

Oh… and I didn’t get raptured. I suppose that’s fine. I’ve got shit to do, and hanging out with Yahweh and Friends isn’t the best thing to do when Special K is lurking in your guts reminding you that life is tough all over, and you might as well make the best you can of it in your time on earth.

]]> http://erishilton.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/dont-rapture-me-bro/feed/ 0 erishilton http://erishilton.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/1052/ http://erishilton.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/1052/#comments Fri, 13 May 2011 17:04:15 +0000 erishilton http://erishilton.wordpress.com/?p=1052 ]]>

Not Red… She’ll point out things she never could have known.

When she told me that it sounded weird to her, but someone likes it when I go to the cemetary and put flowers in the dirt. I had to laugh. I ceased doing Persephone rituals right before we moved. It was right after I experienced my first complete Kundalini rising, right after I met Kali at the end of the black and blue tunnel. It was right after I broke down completely. I stopped doing any lunar work at all. One of my rituals for Persephone involved leaving flowers, beads, marbles, or other offerings at random areas in the old pioneer cemetary at the top of our old street. It’s something my husband did as a young goth kid, and something we still did together. It started with us leaving a cheap ceramic lawn gnome in a strange place, and it’s grown from there. I’d usually leave an offering to her the next Sunday after my Full Moon Ritual. I stopped doing those a while ago too.

I decided to start the offering back up again… Not to Persephone. Our time together is done. Our chords are severed. I have nothing left to give to the Underworld. It’s one path of many, and I have choices. I choose to move in a higher, more loving, and healing direction. I want to work with gods who will help me continue to grow and help me become more enlightened. I feel a lot more peace with my spiritual path, even in the dark or silent times.

It’s been really quiet here with no Erisian chatter buzzing in my ear. Oh… Our Lady of Chaos will return again soon. For now, I seek order and stability in my environment through Ganesha, Lakshmi, and Parvati. There has been great radio silence, but it’s been a blessing really. More is coming.

My health is still not good, but I am doing the best I can. Slowly I am healing, but it may take more time. Stress and medications I’ve taken and new food intolerances is the cause of all this terrible trouble.

My sex life is still way better. Wow. Way better. Fixing my busted root chakra was just what I needed, apparently.

Work is… stressful. A time of great change and upheaval. It will calm down in June. It’s not me, it’s everyone around me.

I don’t have spiritual work to do right now. Not the time for magick or tarot even. Just putting our large Ganesh altar in our bedroom and getting the lighting right was enough for me for now. I am going to make a distinction between elaborate story altars from my every day devotional ones. Devotional altars are important, but I think if I am working through a current, I need that more lucid and creative ritual form of Altar Craft. I don’t need to change all of my altars, just the one that I’m using to explore the particular current I’m surfing. I can keep simpler more subtle home altars that way. I’m very tricky like that.

For now, I am in the middle of treating the large Swiss printed Thoth deck that I trimmed to a little glitter nail polish treatment a’ la my friend Submerina. I’m going to call it… DISCO THOTH!

I’m going to have to go visit someone soon… In June. For now, I’m in a holding pattern. Not bad, but it could be better.

My new home is beautiful, comfortable, and almost feels like home. It’s not perfect, but we’re working on it.

So I heal, I relax, and I wait… I don’t know what comes next, but I’m working on reinforcements. I need all the protection I can get.

Drained. Tired. Stuck.

The airwaves are almost completely dead.

The weed stopped working.

It was too much too soon, and I’m just really tired. The dust is settling, and all I want to do is rest. I just want to sleep.

We finally got moved in over the last weekend, and I busted my ass. My altars haven’t gone back up yet, and my statuary is strewn all over the place. Our cat usually vain and ornery cat has been clingy and depressed since the move.

The ride ain’t over yet, kids. I’m sort of in a resting and holding pattern. I know when to hold them, fold them, walk away, run, and when to consult a tarot professional. I did just that the other day. Pretty much confirmed what I already knew. I thought my Kali purge was over, but I think it’s just calmed down a bit.

I’ll be able to chill for a bit. Things will be calm. I’m going low and slow with my practice. Kwan-Yin and White Tara. A little Ganesha. Loving, calm, healing, and inviting energy.

I’ve got some things I need to do, but I’ll get a brief reprieve. I’ve earned it, I think.

No shiny pink bubbles. No patterns. No Eris. No rabbit-holes. No currents.

Just peace, love, and granola for a bit.